Nope. I'm going with Chris. Over to you, Dee. Gun To Your Head!

WD's breakdown:

"Dance, bitch! Sing, monkey!"

:sigh: You're a lost soul, you know. I can't believe you picked the Beav. Anyway, back in Review Land... Song for a Winter's Night makes me forget my cheerful self for two seconds and I turn into a bucket of mush. Of course it also annoys me, but what doesn't? The point is that for a few seconds I buy into it.

That's basically what TIPY does to me. Except that it annoys me more and mushifies me less, because it's a worse song. Cheaper. Less honest. And it's not on an album called Gord's Gold. Strike three, you're out.

:gasp: You're not into something from someone who crooned "Whereever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you?" Ricky, dude, get on with your life! And get out of the cheezy pop while your name is still cool!

Oh dammit. I forgot we were talking about Richard MARX. I was thinking about Ricardo Martin. Oh fuck. That doesn't work either. Moving on.

Bottom line is that I'm predisposed to dislike it, because it's a cheesy ballad, because no one ever says stuff like this, and if they do because they're on drugs, you'd laugh at them.

See, JC got Richard to do this. Apparently dipping into his stash was payment.

So I'm watching the video and I can't take it seriously, first because I don't want to buy into it, second because I can't, due to it's stupidity. People, people! What is up with the facial hair? Justin's simplistic sign language? The café scene? The ketchup bottle in the café scene? The Turtleneck Conspiracy?

Personally, I was all about seeing this video. When it was finally set to premiere, I was psyched. Anything to top the BSB's bathroom video,

The fact that Chris described it as having a "What Dreams May Come" theme threw me. (Did anyone see this movie? I did. And I think I've blocked it from my memory due to the massive head trauma I recieved as my head hit my boyfriend's shoulder as I fell asleep.) I bet Boring/Veiny/Beaver Spice came up with this stellar concept. Geez, he's just an idea machine. See our thoughts on [you don't have to be alone].

And then it got pushed off, and pushed off. And I was thinking 'Gee, it must have needed polishing, I bet it'll be really cool now! Either that or BSB is paying Jive to hold off."

It's the day it's going to premire. WD is PSYCHED! She tries to play it cool. This works until Carson introduces the video. God dammit, I'm a teenie. I am. I hate myself.

And I watched, unable to move, overwhelmed by some sick and horrifying power. It's like an accident. You can't turn away.

I'm thinking that BSB has had some hand in this sad state of affairs.

Quite likely. As a final note before we get on with the actual review, are JC and Lance throwing each other some passionate looks or is that just my mind having a dirt party all by itself?

My point exactly, boys. Thank you.

FADE IN
EXT. REDWOOD FOREST - DAY

The stage is set out in the Redwoods. I start to hum 'From sea to shining sea'. I like the Redwoods. When I was a wee tot, we drove to San Francisco and went through the drive-through tree on the way. It's cool. But I don't understand why NSYNC was there. At first I was sure there was going to be some sort of subtle Sierra Club statement (like them all mooning the camera and having 'Save Old Growth Forests' written on their asses), but I couldn't find one. They weren't chaining themselves to the trees, or driving spikes into them, or running around saving spotted owls. They were just… there. I guess you just had to suspend disbelief for the duration. Whatever.

Justin hops out of the undergrowth.

Hopped is such a great word. The tawny colored turtleneck has such a Bambi quality.

Wait. Sorry. I feel a digression coming on. Actually, before you end up in the Trees, you're in a tattoo parlor, where some person (I say person because it could be a guy or a girl, I'm not sure) is getting "Gillian" tattooed on his or her arm. Gillian is standing next to him/her. I'm all 'DON'T DO IT, DUDE!". Getting someone's name tattooed on your body is a big mistake. Big.

Lance found this out after he had Danielle tattooed on his ass. He is currently seeking another woman named Danielle to take her place. The closest he has come is a drag queen named Dani Dreams.

Back to the forest. So Justin hops out of the undergrowth. Since we're on the set of Jurassic Park III, I was expecting a dinosaur. A cute little baby dino with big eyes. Instead we get Ghetto Boy with a goatee. Hmm. I think I'd prefer the dino.

But what happened with the cute dinosaur? It went nutso and sprayed Newman in the eyes.

After due consideration, I would like to discourage him conducting any further facial hair experiments. Chris, Joey, I'm cool with. But Justin's hair is curly. His goatee looked vaguely pubic and I didn't really enjoy looking at it.

I really do think he was trying to assert his manliness by growing facial hair. That's great, JuJu. We realize you're legal now. At least he's not growing a Cheech mustache.

True, but he is wearing a turtleneck. Bad Justin! But he looks okay, aside from the chinhair. You don't snort milk or anything.

Justin starts to sing. He does a terrible sign language accompaniment, tracing the path of an imaginary tear down his cheek. Thanks, Justin! I was really confused and that cleared things up for me.

It's for the younger fans. it's like the Pokemon thing. Don't pander to us! Horny girls are much smarter then that. At least a little.

Then he does a sort of swimming move. Comedy. He also pulls a great face when he hits the high note and I thought it was neat-O until I remembered that he was just lipsynching for the camera. And then it made me laugh. Boy, he probably felt really stupid.

Wait, it's Justin. He probably didn't.

The boy wears Trace This! clothes. He loves his beadazzler. He pretends to like AC/DC and thinks we'll all believe it. Believe me, there is nothing, NOTHING that can make this boy feel like a moron.

Now we arrive at the chorus. The rest of the group appears. They stand in that familiar staggered pattern and croon.

Suddenly we've gone from some National Geographic spread to 5 Short Morons in The Land of the Turtlenecks.

Hahaha. I'm horrified to see that Joshua's turtleneck is tight and beige.

He's skinny as shit but he has HUGE pecs. I'm frightened. And the turtleneck makes his face look even more angular. I didn't think that was possible.

And yet it is! Also, the turtleneck makes him look naked if you squint. And no, that isn't a good thing. Bad Joshua, bad! But you forget his sweater the instant you spot his pantaloons. They're fur.

This borrowing fashions from Jerome has to stop. Maybe he's your dealer, and you feel like you'll break the connection if you don't wear his clothes, but you MUST. DRAW. THE. LINE. AT. FUR! I repeat, Fur = bad.

And while we're on the subject, Skinny As Shit JC + tightass turtleneck + cold breezes = horrible, awful visuals.

For five minutes after the video was over, all I could scream about was those pants. I want to know what he was thinking when he put those on.

Really. KD and I have decided that if we ever get into a Meet The Creeps, we'll ask him. Okay, *I* would ask him, because KD claims to still not be a fan.

Oh, shut up.

Him: "Hi, how are you doing?"

You: "I'm fine, thanks. I just wanted to ask you a question."

Him: "Sure, go ahead."

You: "Your pants in the new video. First, what kind of animal is that?"

Him: "It's dog."

You: "Okay, thanks. Second, were you high?"

Him: "Sorry?"

You: "When you picked them."

Him: "Why?"

You: "Have you not seen the video? Your pants are just incredible."

Him: "Thank you! We appreciate your support."

You: "That's not what I-"

Bodyguard: "Move along now."

You know that's exactly what would happen, too. Anyway, his pants are fur. I keep thinking I recognize the animal, but I never do.

It's either Jackelo or an ostrich/deer tail hybrid. I'm leaning towards Jackelo, because I think in a past life, he was one. We've seen him run around that stage like a freak of nature. "Fast as fast can be, you'll never catch me" indeed.

The closest I can come is raccoon. It's like he got a gazillion Davy Crockett hats and had them stitched up into pants. It's just not normal. They are… really ugly. Really.

In the words of David from the Real World, "Woo woo, they are TOTALLY not my scene." Unless you're Siegfried or Roy, those pants are nobody's scene.

On to Lance. Lance is also wearing a turtleneck. People, people! This trend has to stop! But Lance is wearing a jacket over it, and it looks sort of like he's growing a tiny bit of chin decoration himself. He looks… airbrushed. I can't explain it. Too perfect to be quite real. Like a Ken doll.

"Maybe he's born with it. Maybe it's maybelline." I bet he's Cameo. That's the shade I wear.

Joey is in leather. He looks nice. There's this shot at the beginning where he's walking through the forest alone, looking around like he's worried.

Yeah, I'd be worried too, if I were wearing Bambi's mom and dad. He knows the forest creatures are out for revenge.

Actually I think he's worried that in a bizarre hunting accident someone will mistake his cowhided ass for an animal and come out a'shootin'. Either that or he's just conscious of his severe fashion faux pas. No leather in the Redwoods! Everyone knows that! C'mon Joe! A turtleneck would have covered up that Krispy Kreme double chin.

At least he wouldn't bruise you with his hipbones during sex. Unlike some people I could mention.

Anyway, I think he looks nice. No complaints.

Chris looks damn cool. Straight up, nothing I can say. He looks sort of evil. Like a magician. Like he might go "Mwah-hah-hah!". It's a good look for him. Yes, I know he's also wearing a turtleneck. I don't know. It's okay for him.

When I first saw the video, I thought..."Who does he look like?! He looks like someone!"

I've finally put my finger on it.

David Copperfield.

Horrors.

Dammit. You're right. Fuckers.

Okay, so they're singing, yadda yadda, you've seen it all before. They look all serious and earnest. I can't deal. Aaah… bubbles! Don Ho, eat your heart out, my friend. Bubbles are just the thing to lighten the mood. At random intervals, bubbles come randomly wafting through the forest. At equally random intervals, someone will reach out and try to catch one. Whatever.

It's all so sparkly and fluffy and pretty and...homoerotic in some way. Good LORD, Lance, keep your ideas to yourself next time. Bubbles = Bad.

All I'm thinking is that the world's strangest job has to be the bubble-machine operator for this video. Imagine that. You're standing there, cranking out bubbles into the Redwoods, trying to stifle your laughter as these idiots lipsynch and pull "hittin' da note" faces.

Hey, it's either that or getting to be the "fluffer." Does anyone know what a "fluffer" is?

I'm ashamed to admit that I do.

(Probably not - unless you're Hoey Bear. NSYNC fans should not have knowledge of porn.) Because I'm thinking JC has one standing by at concerts and video shoots. Happy, happy JC.

You're right. That's a weirder job by far. THANKS A LOT! Now I have this HORRIBLE visual... dammit all.

By the way, there are all these shots of people in between. Forgot to tell you about those. There's this couple, this other couple, and this little girl with her grandparents. And a Lolita moment where a really grumpy chick is sitting on a bench and she looks over to the old guy next to her, and he shows her this sketch he's done of her. I'd be backing away. But she just looks annoyed.

One of the couples is interracial. People are getting all excited about this. But come on now! They both just stepped out of a Calvin Klein ad. How surprised are we to see Jennifer and Puffy together? Not very. Let's have some unfamous, unsuccessful, ugly couples. Now that would be groundbreaking.

Now it's time for JC's solo. Yeah, yeah, you're singing, you're into it, you're a Tortured Artist, whatever. I can't get over how tight his sweater is. I guess he wasn't cold because if he had been, you would have been seeing his giant man nipples. Oh, yes, it's TIGHT.

I just don't understand the Beav. Why does he feel the need to Act Out? Everytime I see him singing, he's waving his arms around like a moron. Who does he think he is?!? Celine Dion? Mariah Carey? No. He's JC Chasez, boyband member and "Act Out" singer extrordinare. Get your action figure today! He clenches! He waves his hands! He points! He scrunches his face! He bares his teeth! It's the Christmas present everyone would want under their tree.

I know I'm putting one my list.

After the Beav's solo, there's this REALLY SCARY moment where the song goes into the middle eight and the scene shifts. The bubbles start flying up into the air. One bubble goes by JC's head. His head sort of gets trapped in it and starts flying off. The other JC reaches up after it. He looks like a zombie. I'm telling you, horrifying. Not funny, just scary. Very weird.

For God's sake. At this moment, I was ashamed to be a JC fan. Very, very ashamed. I just couldn't imagine anyone on the set keeping a straight face as the director told him what to do. "Okay, now, Chasez, here's the deal. You're going to be singing. And then all of a sudden, your head will be sucked into a bubble. It's going to be a beautiful moment. And then you'll reach, reach, reach higher then you've ever reached before. Because that bubble that's escaping, that's your soul - the soul of your MUSIC even! And it's getting away."

JC nods enthusiastically. "Man, that's deep. You are one deep cat."

You kill me. I can't believe you realize shit like this and still pick the Beav as your cabin boy, but you kill me.

Then the camera does a very cool arial pan over the city. Think Gladiator set in San Fran. Nice CGI! "I've got a friend at Dreamworks"

Alas, it doesn't last. Soon we're alighting in some outdoor café. NSYNC is sitting around a table. Singing.

Suspend disbelief now. I know you already did it for the forest scene. But do it again. More.

Done? Okay. Because at my favorite restaurant, men always sit around singing to each other.

Wait, you mean that doesn't happen over in Europe? Because I know in the states, it happens all the time. Seriously though - grown men are still traveling around the country, singing and thrusting for all the teenyboppers they can find. When you put it that way, it doesn't seem so farfetched.

Perhaps, perhaps... speaking of men in Europe, did I ever tell you about the time I flew from Amsterdam to Portland to visit mah people, and I had to change planes in DC? This was back when I still smoked. THAT'S RIGHT, I used to smoke. It was my one act of teen rebellion. I got over it. Anyway, I'm at Dulles. Dulles has this little glassed-off box in the international wing for smokers. You feel like you're in a methadon clinic. It's set right in the fucking middle of the wing and everyone looks at you as they walk by and points you out to their kids.

It was embarrassing. But I needed my nicotine hit, dammit! So I went in and sat down and avoided meeting my fellow addicts' gaze. Suddenly this steward comes and sits next to me. He lights up a Virginia Slim. I notice he's wearing eyeliner. I'm wondering if he's maybe a little gay. He starts talking to me.

Right, I flew in from Amsterdam. I'm going to Portland now. Yeah, Portland does have good shopping. And yes, the social climate of Holland is more gay-friendly than in most of the US. No, I didn't know that Germany is more homophobic than Holland. How interesting.

Oh, it's too bad that his boyfriend wouldn't walk hand-in-hand with him in Stuttgart. Okay, sure! You have a nice flight, too!

Why was I sharing this? I don't remember... Oh, right. Gayness. No, not even in this Mecca of tolerance do you spot dudes serenading each other at sidewalk cafes. Sorry.

Well... the Gay Parade is a slightly different matter. But back to the NYSNC Cafe.

The first thing that catches my eye is the mustard and ketchup bottles on the table. It just strikes me as very low class and I wonder who was dumb enough to dress the set like that. Then someone actually picks up the ketchup bottle and starts using it. That's funny. Joey is the culprit. That's even funnier. He's like "Yeah, so I'm singing this love song to my buddies, whatever, I'm snackish. Dude, I just hiked in from the forest, okay?".

When KD first mentioned this, I didn't believe her. Me and my rose colored glasses, we still think that NSYNC can be the classier boyband out there. And then I watched it again. Jesus, Joe. We know you need to eat constantly, but really...there is NO need for that. None. He's from Brooklyn. He has no shame. There's no high class for this boy. Give him strippers and Heinz 57, and he's a happy camper.

That'll teach you to disbelieve me, bitch.

But I don't think it's supposed to be funny, so I feel a little bad. Because that's the kind of video it is. It has no ironic distance. You aren't supposed to laugh. And when you do, you feel a little mean.

I don't know if Joey gets to eat his ketchup or not because the camera keeps moving around and stuff. It's okay. Lance and JC share a look. It's… I don't know, man. I'm trying to think of some other angle, but it's like Lance is silently asking if he's going to drop by his crib later for a little ghetto lovin'. Really. I'm not making it up.

It's the glasses. JC can't resist 'em. For God's sake, even I couldn't resist the Effeminate One in those shades. Hot boy love, indeed. Lance + Top Gun sunglasses = VG.

You would have been all over the steward at Dulles, dude.

I personally enjoy seeing Joey and JuJu check out that random chick that walks by. I guess the director suggested that to balance out the homoeroticism that abounds throughout.

Justin - DAYUM, bitch, youz a FINE muthahfuckah! Why doncha back that azz up! Listen, woman! Duz you mind if a'hz callz you Britney?

Joey - Hot girl? Food? Hot girl? Food? Fuck it, we can do both. Heniz 57 body shots.

But Joe gets all distracted by the condiments and doesn't notice the chick passing him by, so he stares moodily at the girl's departing ass and says:
"I'm the one who put the satin on your panties."

Justin nods sagely and goes:
"All respect to those who break they neck ta keep they hoes in check!"

Chris smacks Justin upside the head and Joey walks off after his ho.

Because he gets aROUND, knowwhatimsayin? And he's only got one night in town, and if babydoll's DOWN...

Come on now, people. He's in LEATHER! Leather=sex. Everyone knows that. Why do you think the Beav wears so much of it?

KD's random cool stuff: The arial pan is all good. There's this shot of the PC interracial couple hugging, and about a million pigeons fly up behind them in slow motion. That's just plain cool. Joey and Chris looked nice. The lighting (I'm sorry, I notice this stuff) kicks ASS. Very nice indeed. Joey's ketchup bottle.

WD's random cool stuff - No Kim Smith. Very, very good. I like the arial pan, mostly because we didn't have to look at JC's pants. Ditto for the storyline. Sure, it sucked, but at least the PETA no no's were gone. And it wasn't very "What Dreams May Come". Extremely good. Chris gets to have a hot video. Good for him! It makes up for I Drive Myself Crazy. And I liked Justy's turtleneck. I want one for myself. And was that the hump man himself, Wade, prancing by for a quick cameo in the restaurant scene? I think so.

KD's random uncool stuff: What is the deal with the bubbles? I'm worried that someone in all seriousness pitched the bubble angle as a metaphor for how fragile love is. Justin's pubic fuzz. JC's sweater. JC's pants. JC's pants. JC's pants. Lance's airbrushed appearance. Did I mentioned JC's pants yet?

WD's random uncool stuff: Bubbles = bad. JC dressing in anything anymore = bad. I would give anything to even go back to jeans and wifebeaters days. At least WT is better then GT (Ghetto Trash). And the trees? What is the DEAL? I loved how gayboy Carson described the video one day on TRL..."And that was NSYNC and some trees."

Damn right. But don't play it cool, Carson. Because you know you want some Lance of Love lovin'.

You know it. He's teasing Lance in hopes that he'll call him up and their mutual need will bring them together at last. All in all… it's not awful or anything. It's just so darn serious! And I don't deal well with the dreaded S-word. But it's not bad. And the trees are kind of cool. Just lose the bubbles and we're good to go.

I believe that the answer to the riddle of TIPY lies in the mathematics.

Trees + turtlenecks + bubbles + ketchup x 5 - dignity =
One big mo' fo homoerotic orgy.

I think you've got dat riddle figgered out, yo.


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