KD pointed it out, and it's SO true. Yes, Hoey is the tallest. Jesus chris. What is GOING on with the height conspiracy in NSYNC? Pick a height people, and stay that way.I missed NSYNC on Regis because I was at class. Had I not reached my 4 missed classes limit in Spanish, my ass would have been in my room, watching. You hear that, fuckers? I'd skip class for your sorry asses!
Oh, who am I kidding. I'd skip class for Backstreet Boys if given the opportunity.
Anyway, I taped it. But in my "DMD-must-love-JC" to write mood, I couldn't bring myself to watch it. Until tonight. So here's my rundown. Like a dork, I actually sat down with a pen and paper and took down my random commentary. Let's hope it still makes sense. And let me tell you, they were in full randomness that day. I have over 5 pages of comments.
Anyway, we're told NSYNC is on the show. And they're going to be...modeling the latest "fresh and funky winter coats"? For fuck's sake. Only Lance would say that!
They're all shadowed and silhouetted behind this screen. It's very...Laugh-In of them. I want to gag.
The screen goes up. And there they are, in fashion victim glory.
Justin -
Camel Leather? Hot.
Reddish brown leather? Not.
Survey says? Badsync.
Chris -
Is Fuman ripping off Sean John now? Because I swear, I saw the same sweater with Sean John emblazoned over the chest where Fuman Skeeto is now proudly displayed. But I like it.
Survey says? Goodsync.
Joey -
Plaid is bad. Repeat after me. Plaid is bad.
Survey says? Badsync.
Lance -
He always manages to come out on top over all of these fashion disasters. Sure, he looks just okay. But still, he's an improvement over our next moron.
Survey says? Goodsync.
And then...JC -
For fuck's sake. I mean, okay. The front effect is bad. The sweater is BAD. And he's wearing a sweater VEST over top. But it's not awful from the front. He could be goodsync, if you didn't see the shoes. But then he turns around. And there are these random...yellow STRIPES on the vest. I want to die.
Survey says? Badsync, to the Nth power. (Thanks KD.)
KD pointed it out, and it's SO true. Yes, Hoey is the tallest. Jesus chris. What is GOING on with the height conspiracy in NSYNC? Pick a height people, and stay that way.
They're fucking with our heads.
Joe: "Yay! I get to be the tall one this week!"
Justin: "Fuck you, muthafuckah! Ah'm gone cap YO ass!"
JC? Start wearing lifts. Because I am SO taller than you.
It's disturbing.
And eat more too. Because I bet my ghetto bootay weighs more than your skinny azz.
Moving on.
They sit down for the standard patter. Oh, this should be fun. I revel in the fact that Regis keeps cutting off Lance for a moment. Then I feel bad. Hey, everyone else pushes Lance to the back! Regis, I thought you'd be better than that. And then, our poor albino freak gets picked on for the rest of the show.
Lancers, you just call 1-800-RagOnMe. We know scary people. We'll have Regis fucked up quietly for you.
You know, it could be like a twofer. We'd have Regis fucked up and then the guy who did could go over to Lance and do him. 'Cause scary people always look good in leather and Lance would be all over it.
JC fiddles more than any person I've ever seen. Looks like someone missed his daily hit. And in the crack capitol of the world? I'm so disappointed in you, Yaycee. He's sitting next to Lance. I'm so on the lookout for meaningful glances now.
Regis asks them to clap for Marie - this poor girl who waited outside in the cold rain, with the homeless and the ho's. She should get like...autographed freaky marionettes or something. Those things bring in big bucks on Ebay. She should at least get $250 for all of her troubles out there for this crew. She just gets to meet NSYNC for five seconds. Rip-off. I'd be pissed. Justin starts to clap early, then pauses. That boy doesn't have two brain cells to rub together. "I've got a hot ass! Who needs smarts?" Moron.
To make up for the awful ensemble, JC does score points with his kind treatment of poor, disheveled Marie. I think if I walked in there, looking like that, and there was NSYNC, I'd turn, knee Gelman in the balls, and run out of there sobbing. Poor girl. But anyway, JC asks her if she's all right, then gives her a hug...the first hug I've seen him give in a long time that doesn't look like he thinks they'll pull a knife on him. Then I notice his shoes.
Fuck.
Marie is shoved towards Gelman, and then they look at the paper. Wow! Our Justy has made the gossip columns. Liz Smith, I love you! Anyway, he's caught buying pearls for Brit at Tiff's. Dude. I'd be pissed. Diamonds please! Where do you wear pearls when you're not 80? Anyway, Ghetto Spice breaks out the homeboy talk in full force. JC looks hopeful when Justin says she might be watching. "Britney? Do you like my sweater vest? I wore it just for you! Oh my god! She's going to see me looking especially hot! Even hotter than that Ghetto Bitch! I bleached my shoelaces for her!"
Or maybe that's me just seeing things.
Moving on.
They exchange Christmas presents? I bet they get each other the same thing every year.
Justin - Jehri Curl
Hoey - An economy sized bottle of Astroglide and Zovirax
Lance - A year's subscription to Martha Stewart Living
Chris - Blackmarket Ritalin
JC - Crest whitening strips
Oh wait. That's what I'd get JC.
Regis brings up the fact that he ate dinner with Bryant Gumbel the night before. Then he mentions that NSYNC made a cameo at Bryant's daughter's birthday.
FUCK Bryant Gumble.
And FUCK the audience for clapping. What are they? Humanitarians extrordinare because they went to the birthday of some rich girl, who's dad is a famous morning show personality? Fuck.
Oh, they're up for a fucking Nobel now, baby. Clinton better not think he's got a shot for all the Mideast deals he's brokered. NSYNC is in da HOUSE.
I wish my parents had 2 mill sitting around so I could get these trained monkeys to show up at my bat mitzvah.
And I'm not even Jewish.
God, I'm going to have to read THE article after this.
I'm beginning to think Grandma Funnelcake knitted JC's sweater. Hey, she made orange cookies, which made it to Rosie. I bet she knitted the sweater just so it could be seen on Regis.
They make fun of Lance some more for being on Millionaire. Poor kid. They just revel in that he lost at 125 thou. He looks sad. I want to punch them all. Jesus. It's not like they're genius asses would have done any better. Chris was the only one to make it to college, for god's sake!
Oh, yeah, Chris was Lance's phone-a-friend for sports. Please. Chris? For sports? And not the Playstation kind? Why not call Dani? She graduated with a dual major and works for the Deuce. Now that's money baby. On second thought, that's probably why Chris really came off his list. Chris is adios, hola Dani!
But really, poor Lancers. Isn't making fun of it during the NSA show and degrading him to answering a POKEMON question enough? Lance, even if one of your eyes is higher then the other, you're still cool.
I just defended Lance.
Moving on.
JC is quick to correct Reeg when he says "happy sack" instead of hackeysack. Shut up J. You try to act all cool, but we know that your crackass sucks at hackeysack. Pot smokers are good at hackeysack. It's what they do. Crackfiends don't get a cool hobby. Didn't you ever see Trainspotting?
He then says he's TIDY. God. I hate him. I'm glad I watched this after I finished Chapter 9. Iz, run. Fast.
KD revealed tonight that she wants to be Joey's bitch. I knew it. I knew it! But I feel bad. Because I made fun of her. But then...I noticed IT. Joey's shit eating grin. GOD! Now I see how the little black book got so big. Joe, you could lure me anywhere if you smiled like that.
Regis continues to be a moron. Yeah, Chris' big secret is he wears glasses. Good GOD. We're running out of dirt. Five of them have tat's, huh? As the NSYNC fan I hate to be, I sat there and yelled "NO! JC IS AFRAID OF NEEDLES, FUCKER!" Regis still doesn't get it, even after they correct him. Moron. He should be the 6th member. He fits right in.
JC constantly looks at the crowd. Or the monitor, to see how he looks. You look like a moron, Josh. Give it up.
They give away a prize. Lance looks psyched at the thought of a spa treatment. "Oh wow! Mud baths! My poor, poor skin. And I can get my nails done, and..." This poor woman, she can barely hear them. I've never seen this segment done without the person saying "I can barely hear you, Regis!" JC nods intelligently at everything she says. Lance does his appreciative "clap and nod." You all know what I'm talking about. I hate when he does this. They're mean to him some more, but after the clap and nod, I don't care. Lance, I'm done defending your ass. And he has THE BIGGEST Adam's apple ever. Joey looks impressed when she says how many years she's been married. He's had WAY more lays than that. Justin suddenly morphs into Kathie Lee. I knew there was a reason I hated that boy.
Regis begins to introduce Adam Sandler. Thank the LORD, a breath of fresh air. JC picks his nails. I want to throw up. He CONTINUES to pick his nails! STOP IT! They need Jerome standing by to administer an emergency hit.
Adam comes out. Oh...this will be fun. He looks like he'd rather be on The View than stuck with this gig. Poor dude. He politely shakes hands. JC says "Wassup, buddy?" JC sits back down and his feet don't touch the floor.
Ay dios.
Regis begins molesting Adam, grabbing his arm and crowing "Have you been working out? I'm sensing some beef here."
Adam looks ill. "Well, a little. I don't have JC muscles or nothin'."
Que laughter. JC looks embarassed. Not because he's trying to be modest. No. It's because his arms used to look like this.
Jesus chris.
They begin to talk and Chris hangs on every word. It's not everyday he can talk to his "kind." He and Adam can "relate." Adam talks about how he used to be smart. "Now you're just funny," says Justin. Yeah, and you used to be white. What happened? Adam SO wants to kick his ass.
Lance tries to act smart and asks about the election. Fuck you Lance. You were second to last up on Millionaire. You wussed out at 125 thou. QUEEN LATIFA did better then you! EMERIL TOO! Bam! Take that, flamer. And then he acts so girly and shy when he says he won 125,000. Stop it.
JC is tired of his shit. Because you know he's been saying "I'm so proud of you, honey" for months. Now he's like "Lance, suck it up, you whiny bitch!"
Justin claims that's not too shabby. Oh shut up, Justy. Your jTr necklace probably cost more than that.
Chris always laughs the loudest. Okay, we get it, C. You're funny, Adam's funny. We understand.
Joey leans in intently when Adam mentions Brooklyn. See, now he can relate.
"Broo? Broo-ck Lin? Yay! Dat be Joye's *home*! Joye *lick* Brooock Lin! Adam say more!"
Adam says Reese Witherspoon plays his mom. Now Justin relates. See, he thinks he's Ryan Philippe. In your dreams, boy.
Adam gives a brief overview of his movie. Damn, this is the best movie rundown I've ever heard. (Sarcasm. Oh wait. This whole thing is sarcastic. Moving on.) JC looks lost. Okay, they all look lost. Even Regis. Okay! I'm lost too! Damn.
They cut to a commercial - thankfully. I revel in the fact that the show is sponsored by yams. Somehow, it fits.
And then they're back again. There's a chick wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with "Justin's Girl." Freaky.
Apparently our boy wonders and Adam have been reminiscing about The Waterboy over break. Oh, what I wouldn't have given to be there, to see that convo - wrought with uncomfortable silences and nervous laughter.
And you know Chris brought up "At a Medium Pace". And he's all "Dude, that was so (giggle) dirty!" and Adam's like "Whatever, you shortass FREAK! Leave me alone before I call security." Lance tells everyone that they were supposed to entertain the crew as one of their first gigs. He seems SO happy. I want to strangle him. Does he remember those days, when he looked even more so like a girl? They never did though get to play on the set, though. Bet ya anything Adam nixed that idea himself.
Smart man. He wasn't Opera Man for nothing, you know!
"Guess who plays the devil?" cries Reeg. They look at him as if he's sprouted a third nipple. "Harvey Keitel!" I see Joey's face flash over with recognition - he's the only one. He's all about the full frontal.
Justin acts like he knows all about Rodney Dangerfield. Shut UP, young'un. "He's that dude from Ladybugs, right?"
JC's still fidgeting like a maniac. I'm scared for his well being.
They show a clip of Little Nicky. I won't get into how much I despise this movie - and I haven't even seen it. Justy's the only one who laughs. Surprise. JC does look excited at the fact that the clip was about Pepsi. "Caffeine? Oh, I just had 20 latte's from Starbucks, but...what the hell!"
He's still looking out at the audience/camera/monitor for approval. "Hey Bob? Do I look okay in my sweater vest?"
JC's still swinging his feet. Suddenly I'm reminded of that character Lily Tomlin used to do. Where she sat in the big rocking chair?
Chris asks if Adam's friends are taking partial credit for the movie idea. Dude, I knew it! He wrote Space Cowboy and JC took the credit. Poor elf.
Regis mentions his cameo in the movie several times. No one looks impressed. JC does smile and laugh a bit, then he turns to the audience for approval. For god's sake.
They show a clip of Reeg in the movie. Justin laughs again. God. Can he kiss Regis' ass more? He's already sitting next to him. NO, Justin. You can't take over for Kathie Lee. JC and Lance exchange a look after the clip ends. They don't laugh. However, JC smiles and nods intelligently.
Adam says Regis reminded him a bit of Farley. Lance nods knowingly. He lived in a van down by the river. He is sad.
They all clap. The segment is over.
However, Justin has zoned out. He looks up and starts clapping 10 minutes after everyone else. MORON!
Justin's like "Ah hope Brit will like dose pearls I done bought her ass! Ah'm wonderin' if Ah shoulda got her da ice instead, yo. Mebbe she wone gimme no more head now."
JC's still fidgeting. I find myself becoming obsessed with his constant movement. It's...hypnotizing.
They play "I Need Love" to get to commercial. Mother fucker!
The commercial ends. Random crowd shots. Damn! No "Lance I'm Legal!" But there is a "JC, can I have a hug?" Sure, if you've got a brick of heroin, he'll be your bitch for a week.
We see Joey and his dad, dressed up in cooking gear. Chef Joe and Chef Joey. My god.
And where's Steve?!
Joe's dad looks quite uncomfortable. He just...stands there and smiles at the camera. I'm scared. He does make Regis do all the work. I'm liking this. This is what they have Steve for at home. "Cook for us, unfamous son! Make yourself useful!"
Joey just stands there and eyes the food hungrily.
Joey's dad begins talking a mile a minute. It's no wonder Regis screws up. Geez, and we thought Joey was the dumb one. Joey steps in to fix his mistake. GO JOE! I like to see him being the smart one.
Regis gets pissed at Joey's obvious one up, and he begins to bite back. "Why isn't he doing anything?" He yells. "Do his earrings weigh him down too much?" Ahahahaha! Score one for Reeg.
Dammit. Dammit all. Joey is...he's....CUTE! In an Emeril way. I hate him.
Poor Joey. You can tell Regis thinks he's a moron. Prove him wrong Hoey! Start quoting Plato!
Joey's Brooklyn accent is in full gear by this point. Do me. Do me. We can play with the chicken marsala and...
Oh, whoops! Sorry.
Joey carries the finished product over to the guys, who are seated at a table. I have an "Eat Eat Eat, all day long..." flashback.
Justin digs right in. Dude! No wonder JC's so skinny. Wonderfro eats it all before it gets to him.
Regis' hand is resting on Lance's shoulder. He likes it.
Oh wait! JC is going to eat! He flags down Joey. "Food bitch! JC eat now!"
Fade to commercial, giving JC a chance to go to the bathroom to "check his hair."
And they're back. It's time for the "fun and funky" fashion show! We're greeted by the fashion expert dude, who's leering at Regis. Fuck. Flamer. Oh yeah. He says he's wearing a "little leather blazer." Bet Lance liked him.
And here we go! To the strains of Bye Bye Bye, It's time for:
(dun dun dahhhh!)
Fashion Freaks.
JC and Chloe -
Oh my god. It's kneelength. It's off-white. And he's doing this robot movement as he walks. Run, Chloe. While there's still time! But on an upside, she's cute.
He swivels! He turns! Mark Vandeloo he's not.
He shows off the lining. "Pssst! Ova heah! I've got some nice Rolex's I wanna show ya."
He pulls off the coat. Fuck. I notice the big blue...thing on his sweater vest.
Poor Chloe imitates him. I feel for her.
And then it's their cue to leave. He looks clueless and tries to yank the poor girl back. Leave it to a woman to know the right thing to do. She heads off and he does this Popeye jig after her.
I hang my head in shame.
Joey and Jen -
He's in red vinyl. For fuck's sake.
But at least he's better at this fashion thing. He twirls her around at least. He then preens while Jen steps back.
I bet he gave her his digits after they walked off.
Chris and Kathlyn -
Have you all ever seen Ben Stiller's character from the VH1 Fashion Awards? That Zoolander dude? That's Chris in a nutshell. I'm scared. I don't even notice what he's wearing, he hams it up so damn much.
Justy and Random Girl -
I'm too distracted by the screams to catch her name. Dude, I wonder if he just becomes immune to it all after awhile. They come out and I half expect them to be like "Prom King Justin Timberlake, escorting the Queen Blah Blah Blah..." Jesus, boy. Where did those manners come from?
Then I notice he's walking with a switch. He doesn't have the ho stick, per se. But, he's walking like he does. Oh, fuck it, you all know what I mean. Oh my god. His coat is "urban flair."
FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
Leave it to him. Homey. He's still all ghetto'd out as he models.
*Sigh* At least the girl's coat is cute. And he does rub her shoulder comfortingly.
God, he's hot.
Lance and Christine -
And I did not just see that. No. Sweet, backwoods Lance. Backing his azz up on that poor, poor girl. My god. I guess he did that to make up for hitting on Gay Fashion Man backstage. Flamer.
Five...four...three...two...and there's the smile. Yeow. Get out the sunglasses.
They all come out again and preen. Flamers! All of them!
Next up, TIPY. Oh yay. I can't wait. It's been such a fun filled show. This should just be icing on the cake. Let's watch our "Act Out" boys in action, shall we?
The song starts. They all bop like those stupid dogs people have in their cars - you know, the bobbing head ones? - and smack their legs with the beat. Nice. This should be fun.
And....cue the infant! He sounds a bit better today. No major gruffness for him. No act out! Of course, they're mostly focusing on his face. At least we didn't have to see it if he did some air piano. But there's no tear move, KD. I know it's your favorite. Someone has cleaned up his eyebrows. Thank the good lord.
And...on to the chorus! Justin's riffing already. For god's sake. Can he not hold off?!
He's a slave to the rhythm, dude.
And...cue JC's part. I'm eagerly awaiting this. Will he do his "move" before he sings, at the cymbal crash? I've got 20 on yes. Apparently he's done two lines backstage, because he wipes his nose. I think this is a presong ritual, because I see him do it EVERY FUCKING TIME he sings.
And...YES! He does it. Trained monkey.
Is it just me, or does he not look so Ethernopian? I think it's just me and my wishful thinking. Starvin' Marvin indeed. Wow...he does have pretty lips and...
FUCK! Tooth shot! CLOSE YOUR MOUTH! Jesus Beav, at least warn us before you do that.
And...cue the act out. I hate him.
Oh, who cares. I love the line "This is a battle we've won." God, it's like...porn song hot.
And...cue the teeth again.
And...cue "Begun" to be VERY off. Yikes. I cringe. I think the boys do too.
And...it's over. Thank god for time constraints.
Regis comes over and tells them how wonderful they are. Chris has to jump off his chair to shake Regis' hand.
Fucking midget.
Sadly, all this fun must come to an end. Poor JC, he looks so lost as they say goodbye. Did he say ANYTHING all fucking show? Oh wait, now he's nodding intelligently as Regis mentions the ornaments. "Buy Buy Buy! Put more money into my pocket! I need my fix!"
Jerome probably takes 30% off the top of whatever JC makes.
I'm half expecting them to do the dating game kiss. Thank god they don't. Although they do bop around to Bye Bye Bye.
The screen comes down again. It's GIANTSYNC! HORRORS!
And then...it's over.
It's over?
I almost want more.
No. Wait. I don't.
Don't expect the next chapter to come for a very, very long time.
I'm off to read THE article. I suggest you all do the same.