A limo cruises along with a police escort as TUMH plays in the background. Is this a motorcade for Carrot Top? A Presidential candidate getting an early start? Some big Hollywood star?
(As if Carrot Top wasn't big enough for you.)
Fuck no. It's NSYNC, getting ready for an autograph signing at Macy's. It's entitled "FANS, FANS, FANS!" people! This Sunday, Sunday, SUNDAY!
They all enter Macy's, placing Lonnie in the front. In case some deranged shopper goes psycho and nails them with her Mastercard, no doubt. I'm blinded by the array of Adidas they'er sporting. Holy sponsorship, Batman!
JC says that their fans are just like "neighbors." Sure. Well, fuck, I don't want to live where you grew up, dude. You must have had people showing up on America's Most Wanted. But then Bowie is pretty questionable anyhoo. We cut to JC looking excited - shaking hands, kissing babies, and giving halfhearted hugs before on of Sexual Chocolate steps in to save him. Some girl hands Lance a bear, and JC looks....sad. Poor kid. He looks longingly as Lance accepts the stuffed animal gratefully.
I laugh anyway.
I realize they're all sitting in their proper NSYNC letter order. Gross, dude. I wonder if JC hates that. He's stuck on the end, where the psycho's will lunge for him first. No wonder he now looks nervous as he reaches for a new picture...out of a stack that looks to be around 500. My hand suddenly hurts. Sympathy pains. For a Meet and Greet in '98? I'm sad.
Jesus Christ! Does this parade of bad fashions ever stop? It's not 1990, it's 1998 people! Get with it! I'm half expecting to see layered skirts and flourescent pinks.
Justin doesn't look up as he signs. He's all "take from Chris, sign, hand back to random person." Wow. Methodical. As he signs I see they're autographing the picture of them all looking like Color Me Badd and sitting on the front steps of some brownstone. Joe must have suggested this. To remind him of his Brooklyn ROOTS, dawg.
Some girl in a Nike visor parades past the camera screaming about how cute they are. I wonder if they were allowed by their contract with Adidas to sign a pic for her. Someone's gonna lose their job.
Lance turns to the camera and waves his hand in pain. "Ow." Suck it up, you wimp. I'm not feeling sorry for you. You got a teddy bear. So quit yer bitchin. One of their people must have stepped in. "We just got a call from Johnny, and he requests you cut that. People must think that these boys are being treated like Gods, being fed grapes and given massages, not signing bad pictures of themselves in a department store that's not even Saks."
Then Lance proclaims that the fans are "INCREDIBLE!" Shut UP, you loser. You're just glad that someone gave you the teddy bear that completes your set of Bears From Around the World. NOW your hand doesn't hurt so much, does it? Just think of that money, bitch.
Oh, SURE. Now it doesn't hurt, does it?
Now we get to go to a real pre-concert M&G! Oh, the replacement shame of it all. Where the fuck are they? In some swamplands? The backstage area of Disney World? Because when we went there to sing in high school, we got to go back there. It looks suspiciously like the back part of the Jungle Cruise. Did you know they don't let you take ANY pictures back there? I did anyway. I thought they'd sieze my camera.
Anyway.
JC's schmoozing in a big white collared shirt and sunglasses. Wow. I don't know which is worse. His skateboarder/golfer/basketball hybrid days or his gay pimp fashions today. I'm blinded by the whiteness of it all. It makes him look like a Stay-T Puft Marshmallow dude. But with really bad hair.
Joey signs someone's pass. How the FUCK will the marker stay on the laminate? Weird. He's wearing the Superman hat. I'd hate to go to his house. I bet he shows off his collection to all the girls and they run away in fear.
Justin heads up to a group of freaking 12 year olds wearing Polo. Poor kid. His hair is in the Anna Nichole stage, and the glare blinds me. Jesus. Whoever thought the platinum was a good idea, I hope they've been fired.
It's just one big firing clip here. But it's during Lou's reign. And we all know that he ruled over NSYNCdom with an iron fist.
We trip over to a clip of two girls dancing and singing, while the other girls around them give dirty looks. Ooooo, catty. But then I'd be glaring at them too, just because they didn't realize what moron's they'll look like when this tape comes out. Oh well. I bet they realize it now.
That must suck. People come up to them in school and are like, "Hey, weren't you..." And they're like "No. Absolutely not. I was, in no way, shape, or form, affliated with that piece of garbage," and walk away, while the other person's like "I was just going to ask them if they were in my pre-calc. class."
Sensitivity issues must be a dime a dozen with these chicks, who probably now listen to Marilyn and Slipknot and ICP and throw darts at their old NSYNC posters and use the CD's as coasters.
Which will surely be me in a few years.
Wow. Reality is...harsh.
Take me away to part three
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