Video concept: May I keep this boyband, Mother?
It followed me home!
NSYNC are dolls. The villagers rejoice because they found a way to continue
the circus/puppet/doll theme for one more video.
We're in a toy store and the chick from the Bye Bye Bye video has showed up
to do some really slow-paced shopping. The way she's inching her way through
the aisles makes me think she must have injured herself on the BBB shoot.
Maybe she broke her leg or something and she's just getting over it. NSYNC
are dolls on a shelf. They break out of their boxes, do battle with some
GI Joe dolls, become lifesized, and leave for scary group sex with the shopping
chick. In between, they go to a party at the Playboy Mansion.
NSYNC have scary-ass prosthetic shit on their faces. Justin wears acid-washed
denim. JC makes a really ugly doll. Joe looks like Albert Einstein on some
bad acid. Chris gets to jump around. Lance made no impression on me. Sorry,
Lance.
JC attacks the camera. I'm sure WD was pleased. Justin does this little
wiggling thing where he stands on one foot. I love it to death. The
choreography for this video is just stellar. Joey has a big giant head.
I am troubled by several philosophical questions:
Why don't the soldier dolls come to life as they're run over the scanner?
Why does NSYNC leave with the girl? Did she buy them? Are they now her
personal property? Doesn't she know slavery is illegal?
Were NSYNC anatomically correct dolls? If not, did they become so once
enlarged? If not, how will they pee?
If they weren't anatomically correct dolls, what were they doing
macking on the Barbies? There's not much point if you're Ken.
Why does no one else notice all the living toys in this store? Is the
chick hallucinating, perhaps?
Why does the chick smile as she watches them dance on their shelf as
opposed to screaming and calling for a priest to exorcise the store?
When viewed from the dolls' perspective, why aren't the chick's pores
huge and horrible? I've read Gulliver's Travels. I know how it works.
What is the deal with JC's pleather pants?
Why is Justin wearing acid-washed denim?
What do they do when they leave the store? Is the chick old enough to
drive? Does she have a car? Will they all fit in the car?
Does she take them home? Where will they live?
Will her parents let her keep them? What does one feed dolls that have come to life?
Will they work? What as? Will they be able to get a Social Security number?
What was she shopping for,in the first place? Why would anyone buy five
NSYNC dolls? Is she a crazed fan? If she's a crazed fan, why do they look
so happy to be leaving the store with her?
There's only one of her and five of them, yet as they leave the store
they all look thrilled. Does that mean that they think of her in a purely
platonic light and nothing of them will be hitting it with her, or that
they all will and that the option of some boy-on-boy love is what's making
them smile?
Why didn't they make themselves marionettes in this video? They aren't
selling dolls, after all.
Verdict: simultaneously lame and cool. Love the choreography. After due
consideration, I've arrived at the conclusion that
the chick is experiencing a psychotic episode after her adventures in the
BBB video. She's in a mental hospital, and all of this is one long
hallucination.
Homoeroticism rating: 6 out of 10.
That is all.
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