Newly Discovered Solar System Resembles Ours
“Probably Full of Same Assholes We Have,” Say Scientists
WASHINGTON, D.C.– After 15 years of searching the cosmos, astronomers announced last week the discovery of an extrasolar planet whose size, orbit, and distance from its star are akin to those of Jupiter, making this the first solar system found that resembles our own in any significant way.  These similarities have brought sky watchers hope of finding a planet like ours, though, experts warn, it would probably be packed with the same sort of assholes found on Earth.
   “This is a small step forward, and we won't have the technology to look at the system very closely for another decade or so, and as far as examining the planets themselves, that's a long way away,” said Carnegie Institution of Washington astronomer Michael Greene.  “But once we can look into it, we're going to see some real douche bags.”
   In a press conference Tuesday, Greene and colleagues explained their expectations.
   “We may see intelligent beings whose technology surpass ours by millions of years,” said Dr. Jonathan Hillenbrand.  “Still, they'll probably drive 40 in the fast lane, pass on the right, and signal after they've already started to turn.”
   Green continued: “Taking their shoes and socks off on airplanes, slurping their soup, handing cashiers crumpled-up bills.  Or wet ones.”
   This first step toward the long and seemingly impossible journey of finding intelligent extraterrestrial life has many in an optimistic, but realistic mood.
   “I hope we can make contact or at least verify the existence of a planet like ours in my lifetime,” said amateur astronomer Paul Gibbons, 28.  “And even if they don't hold doors open, flush public toilets, or put items back on the shelf, we'll except them as intergalactic family.”