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FBI Investigating
High Death Rate at Nursing Homes
WASHINGTON, D.C.- The Federal Bureau
of Investigation has begun an extensive investigation into the reasons
for the alarmingly high death rate of nursing home tenants nationwide.
The investigation comes as a reaction to a recent Harvard University study
which reported that the death rate of people living in American nursing
homes is 100%.
"This is without a
doubt a major conspiracy," said FBI Director Louis J. Freeh. "This
could involve Cubans, the mafia, the Wayans—God only knows how high up
this goes."
Several hundred agents
have been deployed to observe and document the goings-on at various nursing
homes across the country.
"We have noticed some
glaring similarities in all the complexes," said Freeh. "These women
dressed like doctors frequently give the tenants cups filled with all sorts
of pills: tablets, gelcaps, geltabs, liqui-caps—you name it. We suspect
they are poisoning the dwellers for money and/or pleasure."
Agents also reported
that the "nurses" would often gather the tenants together into groups which
they would play some lottery-like game, thought to be a method of brainwashing.
Other techniques of dehumanization include forcing the wheelchair-bound
to stare out of windows and somehow (early speculation points to the drugs)
disallowing tenants the ability to control bowel movements.
"It’s a true shame
that these people are being tricked into thinking they are moving into
wonderful communities," said Freeh, "but they only end up trapped in some
sort of sick drug-testing death factory. Apparently the drugs have
ravaged many of the minds of the tenants—some can’t even remember how to
operate doors. Horrifying."
Once the investigation
is complete, prosecution against the country’s three leading nursing home
companies (Drooltown Park, Oatmeal Dreams, Mushy Pears) is sure to follow.
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