Man Who Masturbates to MTV Starting to Like the Music
CINCINNATI– Jason Meyer, a reasonably intelligent 28-year-old who often masturbates as he watches music videos on MTV and VH1, has begun to like much of the music the cable networks play.
   “I realized I had a problem when I caught myself humming that ‘la la la, la la la la la’ part of that Kylie Minogue song [Can't Get You Out Of My Head],” Meyer said.  “Which is weird because I'm mostly into indie stuff.  I don't get much more commercial than the Flaming Lips.”
   Meyer's friends suspect that his newfound enjoyment of music he would normally dismiss as contrived and corporate is due to the large amount of time he spends watching music videos as he masturbates.
   “Whenever you hear a song, like, a hundred times, the melody's going to get stuck in your head,” said friend Landon Dahl, 27.
   “I swear to God he knows the words to every song by Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez,” said Meyer's 28-year-old former college roommate, Will Marlin.  “I once walked in on him while he was looking for some food in the fridge and I could here him singing under his breath, ‘Stronger than yesterday/Now it's nothing but my way.’  Man, I just backed out of the room.”
   Meyer explains that he only recently began liking the music because in the past he would mute the sound as he masturbated to a video.
   “I just didn't want to listen to such crappy music,” he said.  “But then I realized it was better than the sound of my hand smacking against by balls over and over again.”
   Meyer's friends have also noticed his unusual familiarity with popular non-female music acts like Nickelback and Creed.
   “At first I was like, ‘Jay, is there something you're not telling us?’” said Dahl.  “But it turns out he only knows those songs because he watches them while he waits for a hot video to come on.”
   Despite the obvious drawbacks, Meyer, who is single, says he will continue to masturbate to music videos as long as MTV plays them.
   “I can always just put some Badly Drawn Boy on or something to cleanse my palette when I'm done watching a video [and masturbating],” said Meyer.  “Right now, I can't wait for that new J. Lo video to come on.  When and how did she get so goddamn hot?  She wasn't like that in ‘Selena,’ you know?”