November
18, 2001-
Mother Drags Children
to "Harry Potter"
ST. LOUIS-- On
Friday, local resident Laura Doherty, 41, brought her two children with
her to see the first showing of the long-awaited "Harry Potter and the
Sorcerer's Stone."
"It was
just as I expected it," said the beaming mother. "Very accurate to
the book."
"What
the hell?" asked her 10-year-old son, Matt. "This shit is for dorks.
God, my mom's a fucking loser."
Doherty
allowed her two kids to skip school so they could be among the first to
see the film.
"Jesus,"
said her seven-year-old daughter, Victoria. "What's wrong with people?
Get a life."
Doherty,
like many "Potter" fans, adored the movie and hopes to see it again, with
her children of course.
"It was
so moving," she said.
"I think
I'll go see 'The Wash' next time," said her son.
October
27, 2001-
Woman Farts
SEATTLE-- Local resident
Claudia Russett stunned her husband Thursday by confirming that women can
fart.
"We were
sitting in front of the TV, when I smelled something," said hubby Garth
Russett. "I didn't think it was a fart at first because I didn't
do it and Claudia was the only other person around, and the dog was outside."
His interest
remained because of the persistent odor.
"It wasn't
the air conditioner or anything—this was biological," he said. "I
couldn't stop thinking about it, so I asked her."
His wife
responded that she had in fact farted. Garth still has not recovered
from the shock.
"I can't
believe it, my whole world has collapsed," he wept. "Women can fart?"
Claudia
has reportedly alluded to the potential for women to also piss and shit.
October
20, 2001-
Baha Men to Watch
Charity Concerts
NEW YORK-- The Baha
Men, whose infectious single "Who Let the Dogs Out" exploded onto the charts
earlier this year, are planning to watch the multi-city concerts for victims
of the September terrorist attacks.
"I can't
wait to see Paul McCartney and David Bowie and the Who [perform from New
York] on Saturday," said singer Marvin Prosper. "And Michael
Jackson and Aerosmith [from Washington] on Sunday."
The bandmates
are readying themselves for the massive concerts by stocking up on supplies.
"I'm
going to get some chips and sodas," said guitarist Pat Carey. "We
will
be prepared."
"Oh,
and we can't forget the tapes," said vocalist Omerit Hield. "We want
the memories of this concert to last forever."
October
10, 2001-
U.S. Airstrikes
Make Short Work of Afghan Rocks
WASHINGTON-- President
Bush announced his pleasure over the success of the third wave of U.S.
airstrikes in Afghanistan on Wednesday morning. The targets, countless
numbers of rocks, large and small, were "absolutely destroyed," said the
president.
"I'm
very proud of our forces," he continued. "We've crushed the Afghan
rock population, leaving nothing but mere pebbles."
Rock
depositories and known terrorist rock holding grounds in the southern city
of Kandahar were targeted and easily overcome.
"This
is an unending attack on our rockpiles," said Osama Bin Laden's spokesman,
Abu Ghaith. "But we have many more rocks whence their brave, but
now decimated, brethren came."
Although
it has not been officially stated, it appears more attacks await the rocks.
"We cannot
stand by and idly let these rocks and even stones threaten our freedom,"
said Bush. "I say once more, rocks: Hand over Bin Laden or be crumbled."
September
25, 2001-
DVD Sales Doubling
Attributed to High Quality Freeze Frame, Slow Motion
NEW YORK-- According
to the marketing research firm NPD Intelect, DVD player sales will double
this year to 13 million. Experts explain the popularity of the high
resolution players by pointing to the excellent freeze frame and slow motion
capabilities, which allow viewers to scrupulously examine scenes, especially
those involving nudity.
"There
is a clear correlation between the increase in sales," said NPD analyst
Phil Ruston, "and the increase in the male public's awareness that you
can stop the disc perfectly on Sharon Stone's open legs."
Consumers
are rushing out to buy the digital machines, which put even the best VCRs'
features to shame.
"Charlize
Theron, Alyssa Milano, oh, and Phoebe Cates, of course," said one male
DVD owner. "I've got them all. I forget the names of the movies,
but I know the scenes."
"It's
not just the new movies, but the remastered ones," said another male buyer.
"Oh dude, 'Seven Year Itch.' Digital camel toe, man."
September
2, 2001-
President Bush
Returns from Vacation After Beating Mega Man 3
WASHINGTON, D.C.--
After a 26-day vacation, president Bush returned to the White House on
Thursday, proudly announcing that he finally completed Mega Man 3.
"It was
a long, difficult journey that took great focus," the president said at
a press conference Friday. "Fortunately I had my robotic dog, Rush,
at my side."
The president
continued, describing the trouble he had figuring out the order of defeating
the game's first eight bosses.
"Then,
on day 16, it hit me," he said. "All I need is the Hard Knuckle to
beat Topman, then use the Top Spin on Shadowman and the Shadow Blade on
Sparkman. Everything started clicking then."
But the
president's travails weren't over so quickly.
"The
holographic clones were rough, but once I realized I could use Search Snake
to find the weak one, it was over."
He successfully
conquered Dr. Wily's fortress on day 23.
"It was
so much work, so tiring," Bush said. "I spent the last few days cooling
down with some Dr. Mario."
August 16,
2001-
Kid Takes Shit
at School
HOUSTON-- Spring Oaks
sixth grader Adrian Casey, new to the world of middle school, broke an
unspoken rule by taking a shit at school on Wednesday.
"I didn't
think anything of it," said the 11-year-old. "I really had to go.
What's wrong with that?"
Other
students immediately took advantage of Casey's position with traditional
punishment.
"Nobody
takes a shit at school, we all know that," said Daniel Webb, a seventh
grader. "So we lit some toilet paper rolls on fire and tossed them
over the stall."
Several
of Webb's friends joined in the attack by banging on the stall, yelling
obscenities, and urinating on Casey's feet.
"That
fucker thinks he can take a shit at school?" said seventh grader Chase
Snider. "I'm glad I had my camera still in my backpack from vacation."
After
kicking open the stall door, Snider snapped two shots of Casey.
"Oh,
man, he got him wiping his ass and everything," said Webb. "Expect
it on the internet by the weekend."
August 10,
2001-
Guy Who Only Buys
Obscure Indie Music Getting on Friends' Nerves
CHARLOTTE, N.C.--
Music lover Robbie Berman, 21, has limited himself to purchasing only the
most obscure independent label records. He shuns all popular music,
and has taken flak from his friends for doing so.
"Robbie's
like this indie sponge," said friend Jerrell Weaver, 22. "It's like
he goes into the smallest, most disorganized store he can find, and buys
the most obscure, pretentious shit ever, on vinyl if he can find it."
Berman
listens to such unknown acts as Rapeweed, Flying Bloated Dead Bodies, Hepatitis
Z, and Mark Twain's 14-Inch Penis.
"I haven't
heard of a single fucking thing he's told me about," said friend Allen
Bondie, 21. "He played me some shit, uh, the Swizzleshits I think,
and I said it sounded like Radiohead. He was like, 'Who? I'm
not familiar with that band.' What an asshole."
Berman
defends his music.
"I can't
be bothered to swallow this cookie cutter rock," he said, holding the latest
release from Blunt Object to the Face. "I'm no puppet."
July 28,
2001-
Mariah Carey Hospitalized
for Sucking Too Much Dick, Probably
Pop superstar
Mariah Carey has been hospitalized for "exhaustion," according to her spokeswoman,
Cindi Berger. Specifics have not been given, leading many to believe
it is exhaustion from sucking too much cock.
"Mariah
has been tremendously busy, filming two movies and recording a soundtrack,"
said Berger in an ambiguous statement.
The only
thing tremendous about Carey is the amount of casual sex she engages in
and the number of penises she regularly engorges, much of the public believes.
"Yeah,
I bet she's tired," said one anonymous fan. "Tired of being a dick
depository for the music industry."
The singer
has canceled all public appearances while she recovers from her exhaustion.
"Exhaustion?"
asked one confused fan. "Is that a euphemism for 'scores of venereal
diseases?'"
July 18,
2001-
Teenager Attempts
to Hide "Playboy" Inside "Cat Fancy" at Local Bookstore
NEW ORLEANS-- James
Redman, 13, attempted to hide a copy of "Playboy" magazine inside a copy
of "Cat Fancy" at an area Barnes and Noble Tuesday. His covert tactics
failed though, as many shoppers saw through the trick.
"It was
clear that he had something inside the 'Cat Fancy,'" said one employee.
"So I walked behind to see what it was. Big surprise."
Redman
was visibly nervous, according to witnesses. He was sweating profusely
and frequently looked around for people watching him.
"I came
up behind him and he closed that magazine real fast," said Marilyn Abney,
an avid reader. "It was pretty clear that he had porno in there."
It is
generally accepted that Redman would have been successful if he had chosen
a larger and less suspect magazine to hide the "Playboy" in. Some
shoppers suggested "Rolling Stone."
July 9,
2001-
Radio Station Begins
Playing Nothing But Station Promos
HOUSTON-- Local radio
station KTBZ 94.5 FM, "The Buzz," which once played modern rock hits, has
begun playing nothing but station promos for the music they play.
"'The
Buzz' is now focused entirely on informing the listeners of the great music
we play," said a spokesman, "even if we never play it."
One promo
features bits of songs by popular groups Staind, Tool, and Cake.
It then identifies the station, "Houston's rock alternative," and is doubtlessly
followed by one of dozens of other promos, which include snippets of music
by Seven Mary Three, Incubus, Weezer, and others.
"It's
important that we get the word out that we play all kinds of alternative
rock, the best choice on the dial," said the spokesman. "Once everyone
is aware of what we play, then we'll play it."
July 2,
2001-
John Stamos Stabs
Man Who Calls Him Uncle Jesse
LOS ANGELES-- Actor
John Stamos, husband to model Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, has plead guilty to
assaulting a man with a knife.
Last
Monday, the man approached Stamos and said, "Hey, Uncle Jesse," referring
to the character Stamos played on the TV series "Full House" from 1987-95.
"Then
I stabbed him in the stomach," said Stamos in a press conference.
"What could I do? I'm not Uncle Jesse!" he yelled as he pounded his
fist on the table.
The victim
is in the hospital in stable condition.
"I should
have stabbed him in the face," said Stamos. "Hasn't he seen my wife?
Uncle Jesse is dead."
Stamos
is awaiting sentencing, scheduled for July 13.
"I'm
not worried about jail," he said. "I'm worried for the next sap who
calls me Uncle Jesse. Hasn't anyone seen 'Who Wants to Marry a Billionaire?'"
June 24,
2001-
Another Castro
Double Dies
HAVANA-- While giving
a speech to the Cuban people, an unnamed Fidel Castro look-alike fainted
and later died after removal from the stage.
"He was
74, just like the real Castro is supposed to be," said Defense Minister
Raul Castro. "He collapsed after two hours of speaking."
Fortunately,
there was another double offstage ready to take the place of the deceased.
"As always,
we have several backups," said Foreign Minister Felipe Perez. "Just
to maintain the image of stability."
Another
Castro double had died of a heart attack earlier in the day. This
is the first time since 1984 that two stand-ins have died on the same day.
The original
Fidel Castro died November 20, 1963.
June 18,
2001-
Seinfeld's Daughter
Displays Ingenious Sense of Humor
NEW YORK-- Comedian
Jerry Seinfeld's daughter, Sascha, an amazingly articulate eight-month-old,
has turned out to be a comedic prodigy, just like her father.
"What's
the deal with boogers?" said the observant infant. "Where do they
all come from? And why do they taste so good?"
Seinfeld
is very proud of his daughter's comic chops.
"She's
so funny, and so unbelievably smart, but she can't even walk yet," the
beaming dad. "That's a shame."
Sascha
continues to work on her act in hopes of becoming the youngest comedienne
to ever appear on the "Late Show with David Letterman."
"Hey,
what's with mobiles?" she said. "At night the shadows make it like
a haunted forest in my crib. Thanks a lot, Mom."
June 11,
2001-
Radiohead Reveals
Secrets to Breaking Sonic Barriers on "Amnesiac"
NEW YORK-- Rock group
Radiohead, whose members pride themselves on stretching the boundaries
of popular music through experimentation, let MTV2 in on some of the tricks
used to develop the unique sound of their latest album, "Amnesiac."
"It takes
a lot of work to get the sound we're looking for," said vocalist Thom Yorke.
"For example, on 'Like Spinning Plates' we used a pneumatic drill pounding
on a duck's skull, then ran it backwards and recorded underwater."
Radiohead
has been praised by many critics for their studio wizardry, which results
in unusual, but popular, records.
"They've
changed music by making instruments of everyday things, like soap," said
MTV2 spokesman Greg Baldwin.
"On 'Pulk/Pull
Revolving Doors' we played strawberry yogurt through a leslie speaker,"
Yorke said. "Most people don't realize that strawberry is the most
melodic flavor of yogurt."
June 2,
2001-
Downey Switches
Drug Rehab Programs
LOS ANGELES-- Actor
Robert Downey Jr. has quit his psychiatrist-recommended drug rehabilitation
program in favor of another, less strenuous plan.
The year-long
program includes a strict regimen of snorting massive amounts of cocaine
off hookers' bare breasts.
"This
is wrong," said Dr. Peter J. Panzarino, chairman of Cedars Sinai, the previous
clinic Downey checked into. "This experimental rehab of unrelenting
bombardment of Downey with narcotics is highly questionable."
"The
idea is to smoke him out," said a Downey parole officer. "You punish
your kid for smoking by making him smoke a whole pack of cigarettes.
It's like that."
Downey
has already begun his exhausting treatment by daily injecting heroin into
his temples, using an LSD eye-dropper, and inhaling the steam from a pot
of boiling Windex.
May 25,
2001-
Bob Dylan Celebrates
Birthday in Cryptic Style
LOS ANGELES-- Rock
legend Bob Dylan celebrated his 60th birthday Thursday at home with friends
and family in his usual cryptic, incomprehensible style.
"It was
a wonderful party," said friend and ex-Beatle George Harrison. "He
gave a speech about rhinestone-encrusted zebras."
Dylan's
speech, which may or may not have reflected on his life, lasted nearly
three hours. Afterward, he played a song composed especially for
the occasion.
"He got
up in front of us and played 'Wily Doorknob,'" said son Jakob. "It
was truly moving. I think."
Dylan
was probably pleased to take a break from his never-ending world tour to
spend time at home in peace.
"When
the desk thesaurus has no reason," he said, "The floorboards bring to replace
my lesions."
May 18,
2001-
Spy Plane Crew
to Receive Medals for Being Overseas for 11 Days
WASHINGTON-- Lt. Shane
Osborn, who piloted a damaged Navy surveillance plane to safety on China's
Hainan Island on April 1, will be deservedly awarded the Distinguished
Flying Cross today. The other 23 crew members will each receive the
Air Medal for spending 11 days overseas--longer than any other on-duty
U.S. serviceman has ever been away from American soil.
"This
crew was truly brave, being in China for 11 whole days," said President
Bush in a White House press conference. "Unbelievably they were all
able to survive that ordeal. 'Heroic' is the only word that comes
to mind."
"I wouldn't
believe that a Navy crew could stand 11 days away from America if I hadn't
seen it myself," said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "This is
simply unheard of."
The crew
members are pleased to be awarded the medals, but they are also ready to
resume service.
"I'm
glad that terrible experience is well over, and can't wait to get back
to work," said Senior Chief Nicholas Mellos. "I just hope I won't
ever have to spend more than a week in foreign territory again. I'm
in the Navy, not a foreign exchange program or something."
May 12,
2001-
Man Loses "Survivor,"
Must Have Vagina
The final
episode of "Survivor: The Australian Outback," aired Thursday on CBS, concluded
with a 4-3 vote in favor of Tina Wesson, and not Colby Donaldson,
who likely has a vagina.
"I can't
believe I won," said Wesson. "Colby must have the fattest vagina
ever to get beat by a woman like that."
Viewers
were also stunned at the results.
"What
is going on here?" asked Jeremy Colemon, a Chicago resident and fan of
the show. "First Keith was voted off, so I figured, all right, Colby,
the other guy, will win. But I guess that pussy didn't have what
it takes."
Donaldson
defends himself as a male.
"I have
no vagina and I never had a vagina," he said. "She just played the
game better. I'm not ashamed."
Many
dissenters, in support of Donaldson, are claiming that Wesson won not because
he has a vagina, but because she has a substantial penis.
April 30,
2001-
Pope Caught Masturbating
VATICAN CITY-- Karol
Wojtyla, better known as Pope John Paul II, was caught masturbating in
his room Sunday night.
"Benvenuto
[Medici], one of my Swiss Guards, went out to get some groceries," said
the pontiff. "I heard the door close, but apparently he was still
inside."
Medici
then went to the Pope's room to see if he wanted him to pick up some Taco
Bell on the way home.
"I opened
the door without knocking, and there he was," he said, "jerking it to some
video on BET."
"It was
truly embarrassing," His Holiness said. "I was sitting there with
my stuff in my hand, and just stared at Benvenuto for a moment."
The pope
then quickly zipped up and asked the guard what he wanted.
"We tried
to speak as if nothing had happened," Medici said. "But you can't
forget something like that."
The religious
implications of the incident have not yet been determined.