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April 21,
2001-
Chinese Reassemble
Spy Plane, Don't Know Where These Two Screws Go
BEIJING-- Chinese
authorities announced Friday that they have completed a thorough examination
of the American surveillance plane that made an emergency landing April
1 on Hainan Island. The inspection included a complete and careful
disassembly of the craft, but now, after reassembling the plane, China
does not know the purpose of two remaining unused screws.
"It looks
just fine and all," said Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Zhang Qiyue, "but
there are these two screws. That's worrisome."
Officials
claim they followed the assembly instructions diligently.
"We made
no mistakes," said President Jiang Zemin. "If there were a place
for those screws, we'd have put them in it."
China
continues to search for answers to the origin of these mysterious screws.
Some suggest that they came from another assembly project, and just got
mixed in with the plane's screws, while others believe the screws are extras,
just in case some are lost.
April 17,
2001-
Lucky Homeless
Man Doesn't Have to Pay Taxes
SEATTLE-- While the
rest of America worries about getting its taxes in on time, Edwin Anderson
has no need to fret--he isn't required to pay taxes.
"I don't
pay income tax because I have no income," said the enviable man, sitting
in a refrigerator box.
This
focused stalwart has dedicated his life to "beating the system."
He hasn't worked in 17 years, and has no plans to break his streak.
"I'm
doing plenty fine without work," said Anderson, clutching a gigantic bag
of cans. "As long as they [the IRS] doesn't bother me, I'll be ok."
Those
wondering how to get to this truly desirable position of tax-free living
should heed Anderson's advice:
"Just
move out onto the fucking street," he said. "Oh, it helps if you
can tolerate the stench of piss and rat shit."
He then
vomited on his shoulder and collapsed to the ground.
April 10,
2001-
Severely Retarded
Aikman Retires
IRVING, TX-- Troy
Aikman, invalid and former Dallas Cowboys quarterback, announced his retirement
Monday from an oxygen tent.
Aikman,
who suffered 10 concussions last season, has been ravaged both mentally
and physically by the abuse over the 12 years of his career.
"Everyone's
time comes," said Aikman, speaking via a computer speech synthesizer.
"Now is mine. I must go."
Aikman,
wheelchair-bound, then said, "I wish I could cry, but my tear ducts do
not work."
The three-time
Super Bowl champ considered signing with another team, but ultimately decided
to call it quits.
"I would
love to go out for one more season," said the shaking Parkinson's victim,
"but Lou Gehrig's disease is too big an obstacle."
Aikman
will likely sign a broadcasting deal with Fox.
"I can't
wait hustle out there and do some commentary," joked the legless creature.
"Colostomy bag and all."
April 2,
2001-
Milosevic Sent
to His Room
BELGRADE, Yugoslavia--
After his arrest on allegations of corruption and abuse of power, former
Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic has been ordered to stay in his room
during investigation.
His successor,
Vojislav Kostunica, is unsure whether or not the remand sends the right
message.
"His
room is where all his toys are," he said. "He'll be playing Nintendo
and reading comic books. He certainly won't be thinking about what
he's done."
Serbian
Justice Minister Vladan Batic disagrees.
"He can't
go outside, which totally sucks," he said. "Videos and CDs are fine
for a while, but he's going to wish he could be out playing with his friends
in no time."
Similarly,
the public is divided on the issue of the reprimand. A key point
regarding the effectiveness of the sentence centers around impending verification
or invalidation of a rumor that Milosevic has a "Playboy" under his mattress.
March 27,
2001-
CEOs, Chairmen
Preparing to Vote on Campaign Finance Reform
WASHINGTON, D.C.--
After much debate over the proposed legislation, CEOs and chairmen of major
American companies are readying themselves for the vote on campaign finance
reform.
"I wouldn't
hold my breath," said Bernard L. Schwartz, CEO of Loral Space & Communications.
"It (the bill) doesn't have a chance."
Virtually
all of the other executives feel similarly.
"I don't
know how it came to be anyway," said Haim Saban, chairman and CEO of Fox
Family Worldwide. "I mean, without unrestrained campaign finance,
who's going to run the country?"
"This
is really a waste of time," said Charles R. Schwab, chairman and CEO of
The Charles Schwab Corp. "None of us will vote on it. That'd
be like giving up power. We'd create a virtual anarchy."
Even
if the legislation does somehow pass, it will very likely be vetoed.
"There's
no way I'm going to allow the bill through," said Kenneth L. Lay, chairman
of Enron. "I'll veto it without hesitation."
March 14,
2001-
Men Killed by "Friendly
Fire" Express Dislike for Term "Friendly Fire"
NORTHWESTERN KUWAIT--
The six observers who were killed by American "friendly fire" in a training
exercise Monday made an appearance at the Udairi training ground to express
their dislike for the term "friendly fire."
"That
500-pound fucking bomb exploded right on my fucking head," said Sgt. Edward
Lancton. "Let me tell you, there's nothing friendly about that."
Sgt.
Michael Foley also spoke out against the phrase.
"Shrapnel
sliced my arm right off, then flames engulfed me, making the last tenth
of a second of my life one of unspeakable agony," said the miraculously
pristine specter. "Friendly my ass. Friendly like a heart attack,
motherfucker."
"We deeply
disagree with the term," said Sgt. Frank Bellows. "It needs to be
changed to something more apt, like 'I fucked up real bad fire' or something."
February
28, 2001-
Report: You are
a Terrible Person
A Princeton study
on your life, both public and private, was published Tuesday. The
report confirms what has long been suspected: You are a terrible person.
The 86-page
report describes many sordid aspects of your existence, including the fact
that, on a regular basis, you don't tell other persons that their flies
are open or that they have food on their chins. Also, you are more
inclined to help a stray dog than a homeless beggar, regardless of the
number of limbs he/she has.
"You
make me sick," said Dr. Adrian Gitlow, head of the study. "Look at
you. Disgusting."
Perhaps
most shocking of all is the fact that when watching TV you will quickly
change the channel if a commercial asking for money for starving Africans
comes on because you fear the impending guilt.
February
14, 2001-
Heaven Kicks Ass
LOS ANGELES-- During
a seance Wednesday night, former surfer Dean "The Dewdrop" Vai, speaking
via fortuneteller Madame Cloe, announced that Heaven kicks ass.
"Dude, this
place rocks like a shit," said Vai. "I'm actually glad I wiped out
and smashed my head against the jagged coral."
He explained
the basics of Heaven, the eternal paradise set aside for the virtuous.
He confirmed that there is no pain, as philosophers have conjectured for
centuries. Also, according to Vai, everyone is young and attractive.
"Nothing but
fine skeezers all around," he said. "Man, I'm telling you, this place
is pleasure central, no shit. Anal, oral--whatever you want."
Before
leaving, Vai gave some heartening information: "I don't think God cares
too much about people following the rules real close," he said. "Just
don't fuck up too bad."
February
4, 2001-
Christina Aguilera
Contracts Rare Disease
LOS ANGELES-- In a
press conference Saturday, it was revealed that pop sensation Christina
Aguilera has contracted an unidentifiable stomach illness.
"Doctors
suspect that Christina acquired the disease through the rhinestones she
often wears on her abdomen," said a spokesman. "We don't know if
the tacky glue or the imitation gems themselves caused the affliction,
but doctors are working on it non-stop."
Christina,
bedridden, was unable to make a live appearance, but she did issue a statement:
"Ohhhh...
it feels like... goblins trying to... rip through my belly... so
much pain... please... pull plug... can't go on... pain... fuck... ohhhh."
Doctors
are optimistic that she will make a quick and full recovery.
January
23, 2001-
Bush Loses Keys
to the Nation
WASHINGTON, D.C.--
During a press conference Monday afternoon, President George W. Bush announced
that he has lost the keys to the United States.
"I got up,
ate breakfast and got dressed at usual," said the political neophyte. "Then
I went to the key rack to grab my keys--and they weren't there."
Bush continued,
stating that he searched the house for the keys.
"Stupid,
stupid, stupid," he said, hitting his forehead with the palm of his hand
repeatedly. "I need to get one of those giant key rings so I don't
lose them so easily."
Laura
Bush, the First Lady, was apparently disappointed in the president.
"She
told me I'd lose my head if it weren't screwed on," he said. "Whatever
that means. Anyway, back to searching. Maybe they're in one
of my pants' pockets."
January
14, 2001-
Britney Spears
Gets Tracheotomy
Teen pop sensation
Britney Spears shocked the entertainment industry Friday when she announced
that she has undergone a tracheotomy, a procedure in which a breathing
tube is inserted into a small incision in the windpipe.
The surgery
was not done for medical purposes, but for money-saving reasons.
"It was
costing a lot of money to get the sound we wanted from Britney's voice
out of the computers," said manager Johnny Wright. "So, to cut down
on expenses we found a cheaper, long-lasting solution, without compromising
her trademark vocals."
Spears
seems pleased with the results.
"I plan
to be around a long time," she said, holding her index finger over the
hole in her throat. "I can be a more prolific and cost-effective
artist now."
Decemeber
10, 2000-
Britney Spears
to Write Song
Teen pop sensation
Britney Spears has begun work on her first self-written tune, "...Baby
Don't Break My Heart," for her next album. After cutting two hugely
successful albums, Spears has decided to become a musician.
"I saw
this commercial for a CD collection of singers and songwriters and it inspired
me to become a writer," she said. "My producer believes I have the
talent to write as well as anyone."
Although
Spears completed the lyrics for the song in just 15 minutes, she is admittedly
having trouble writing the music.
"The
words were easy [to write], but the sound is hard," she said. "You
have to pick a key to write the song in and there's all this time signature
stuff. Those guys were really talented."
November
28, 2000-
George W. Bush
Promises Execution of Timothy McVeigh at Inauguration
AUSTIN, TX-- Governor
and apparent president-elect George W. Bush made his first specific promise
regarding his presidency in a brief speech Monday night.
"I am
planning on reasserting the power and competence of America which has been
questioned through this troubling ordeal of counting ballots," he said.
"This reassertion will be obtained by hanging Oklahoma City bomber Timothy
McVeigh as I am sworn in as president."
Bush
chastised the federal government for its failure to kill McVeigh immediately
after conviction. He also stated that national pride comes from a
government that acts as an efficient killing machine, a Bush-coined "sharkocracy."
The governor
continued with a graphic description of what the hanging would look like,
describing it as "inspiring" and "educational."
"We must
get back the spirit once inherent in every American," concluded Bush.
"This can be done expeditiously by watching a terrorist gasp uselessly
for air, unless of course the rope breaks his neck, which it should, if
the executioner knows anything about noose-tying."
November
20, 2000-
Ford Introduces
"Turning Signal"
Ford Motor Company
has introduced a new feature which will be standard on all models made
after 2001. Ford calls this safety device a "turning signal," or
"indicator."
"Basically,
we have installed two small yellow lights in the backs of our vehicles,"
explained a spokesman. "When the driver flips a steering wheel-mounted
lever, one of the lights will blink. Which one blinks depends
on the direction of the adjustment of the lever."
The signal
is to be used when the driver is soon to make a turn or change lanes.
The purpose is to make other drivers aware of one's plans regarding driving.
If the right light blinks, the driver is turning right, if the left blinks,
the driver is turning left.
"This
will revolutionize the way we think about safety in cars," said Jacques
A. Nasser, president and CEO of Ford. "What an advantage it will
be to know when people are planning to turn and where they are planning
to go. Safety has reached a new plateau with our indicator technology."
November
8, 2000-
Rough Draft of
"I Have a Dream" Speech Found
MONTGOMERY, ALA.--
On Sunday, in a Montgomery library, an early draft of Martin Luther King
Jr.'s famous "I Have a Dream" speech was found inside a thesaurus checked
out by King in 1963. The attitude of this early attempt is somewhat
different from the stirring final draft.
The draft
contains the line: "I have a dream that my four children will one day live
in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but
by the color of their character."
King
continues, stating that he hopes for a situation in which "little oreos
will be able to join hands with little wiggers and walk together as sisters
and brothers."
Hank
Petty, the librarian who found the document, plans to sell it on eBay.
November
2, 2000-
Man Changes Channel
During Victoria's Secret Commercial, Suspected of Being Gay
PEORIA, ARIZ.-- On
Wednesday night Harvey Caulfield changed the channel during a Victoria's
Secret commercial, prompting three friends who were watching TV with him
to believe that he is a homosexual.
"It was
about 10:30, and this Victoria's Secret ad came on," said Don Shipper,
one of the three witnesses. "Then, like halfway through it, Harvey
changed the station."
Next,
a silence fell over the room. Although no one spoke, the three felt
a joint doubt regarding Caulfield's supposed heterosexuality.
"It was
kind of implied," said Paul Lupo, another in attendance. "I mean,
we all sort of looked at each other and knew this guy must be gay."
Caulfield
sees it differently.
"I don't
know why they don't want to hang out any more," he said. "I just
wanted to see the [Phoenix] Suns score."
October
19, 2000-
Man Fails to Observe Road Sign
KATY, TX-- While driving
from Houston to San Antonio on I-10 Wednesday morning, Aldous Hill failed
to observe a road warning sign which commands drivers to "Observe Road
Warning Signs: State Law."
The irony
of Hill's lack of observance threatened to rip the very fabric of being.
"I was
just driving," explained Hill, "when suddenly the road seemed all twisty
and shit appeared to be spiraling to a point of singularity."
Hill's
passenger, friend Oscar Bickle, then screamed out "Damn it you didn't observe
the sign that says observe signs!" This caused Hill to acknowledge
the sign, and existence as we know it was salvaged.
"They
really need to do something about that [sign]," said Hill. "Someone's
going to get hurt. Maybe if they put a warning sign that says obey
the warning sign that says obey warning signs. I can't speak for
everyone, but I know I don't want my space-time continuum's density
to be infinite."
October
12, 2000-
Grand Canyon Losing
Tourists
GRAND CANYON, ARIZ.--
The Grand Canyon National Park Tourist Bureau recently reported that the
famed gorge is losing popularity as a tourist attraction. The canyon
has long been considered one of the great natural wonders of the world,
and for this very reason park officals are perplexed by the sudden drop
in tourism.
"It's
hard to tell why people aren't visiting the canyon anymore," said Captain
Eli Rogers, park ranger. "I think it may have to do with the fact
that it's just a fucking hole. Mind you, it's a big fucking
hole, but nonetheless, it's still a fucking hole."
Canyon
officials are desperately trying to think of a way to boost tourism.
"I don't
know what can be done to salvage the canyon," said Rogers. "Maybe
we can fill it with some shit. Well, not shit, but stuff, like water...
or monster trucks. Yeah, I'd pay to see 'Gravedigger' drive
into the canyon."
September
27, 2000-
Pizza Hut Offers
New Pizza
Pizza Hut restaurants nationwide
have added another new pizza to their already large, state-of-the-industry
menu. The new dish is known as the Angioplasty Lover's Pizza.
"This mofo is baaaad," said
a spokesman for Pizza Hut. "You like meat and shit all the way to
the edge of a deep dish's thin, stuffed crust? You got it.
You like a New York style, hand-tossed mamma jamma covered in buffalo wings?
Well that's what you get when you order this biz-nitch. I'm telling
you, man, the density of this bad boy rivals that of Plutonium."
When asked how a pizza's crust
could be both thin and stuffed, the spokesman responded: "Hey, you don't
ask questions like that. Just let it be, baby. Else you gonna
mess up the natural harmony of the universe and what not."
September
5, 2000-
Bumper Sticker
Enlightens, Kills Man
ALTON, MO.-- After
running a red light systems analyst Henry Gray, 23, was hit and killed
by an 18-wheeler. Gray was not aware of the light because he was
contemplating a bumper sticker he had just seen.
"We were
exiting the 160 when he said, 'Look at that bumper sticker,'" recalls Mitch
Redd, friend and surviving passenger. "It said 'All generalizations
are false.' Then Henry was all spaced out. He said, 'My mind
is blown. I've reached another level of consciousness.' Then,
boom, big fucking truck hits us."
The Dalai
Lama could not be reached for comment.
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