Bush Suggests Drilling for Oil in Orphans' Heads, Others
WASHINGTON, D.C.– In a surprising announcement, President Bush has suggested drilling for oil in the heads of doe-eyed orphans as an alternative to the controversial plan of tapping the reserves in Alaska.  White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer announced the proposal in a press conference Wednesday.
   “President Bush is aware of the potential environmental damage of drilling in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge,” he said.  “So he will put forward a plan to search for oil in other parts of the country, namely the skulls of bereft children.”
   Bush will submit his formal plans to Congress next week.  The administration is confident that mining the soft brains of easily obtainable parentless children will be a reality by 2003.
   “It is in the nation's best interest that we murder children for the oil that may be encased within their heads,” said U.S. Interior Secretary Gale Norton.  “We have an energy crisis on our hands, people.”
   In anticipation of acceptance of the proposal, the president is already urging Americans to be on the lookout for orphans, who are often identifiable by slouched posture, slow movements, and unpleasant dispositions.  Bush asks that the children, no older than 12, be captured for drilling purposes. 
   “Do not kill them,” he warned in a statement.  “They must be alive as we bore through their tiny faces for the precious resources that lie within.”
   If the his plans are successful, Bush will consider expanding the drilling to other lamentable groups, like baby ducks and kittens severely burned in house fires.
   “There are so many reserves that go unnoticed,” he said.  “Anything majestic, beautiful, or even cute may contain the oil we sorely need.  We must take advantage.”