Wells Fargo Improves Banking Experience
   Wells Fargo, in an attempt to gain more customers, has revamped its banking programs with new, easy-to-read contracts and better service.
   "We here at Wells Fargo want the customer to never see banking as a chore or an ordeal, so we've developed new documentation for just about everything," said Joel Schmidt, a Dallas manager.  "In fact, our CD applications are so easy to read that as you look over one a beautiful woman with plump, collagenous lips will give you life-altering oral sex."
   Wells Fargo is hoping that the easier-to-read contracts, coupled with better interest rates and big-tittied women will draw potential customers away from investing in the currently booming stock market.
   "Everybody wants to jump on the bandwagon and use the stock market for investing," said Alice Spingleton.  "But there's one thing the market ain't going to give you- this."  Spingleton then proceeded to peel a banana with her teeth and insert it slowly past her glistening, red lips, into her mouth, and down her throat.
   "A lot of people are fed up with banks altogether- we have to change that," said Schmidt.  "So we've dropped all ATM service fees and replaced them with gorgeous cock fiends whose only purpose is to give out mind-blowing hummers to all Wells Fargo/Visa cardholders withdrawing money."
   Wells Fargo banks will also be keeping longer hours so that customers who work late, but still like getting smoothies from Nordic goddesses wearing nothing but thongs and pasties, will be serviced when convenient for them.
   The bank has not forgotten about its women customers, either.  Any hot female account holder who wishes to deposit or withdraw money will be forced to engorge the throbbing cock of a male customer.  Women who are not deemed "hot" by bank supervisors will be given limited accounts.  They will be allowed only savings accounts (no checking) and be required to maintain a minumum balance of $1000.
   "It's only fair that a testament of ebony perfection, such as my self, be pleasured by young, blonde, man-meat-loving testaments of white people's perfection," said Schmidt.  "Ain't no ugly girl who can handle these 10 inches."