Heaven Full, God Sends Newcomers to Hell
   In a move that has shocked religious peoples all over the world, God (a.k.a. Allah, Yaweh, Big Guy) has announced that there is no more room in Heaven, the ultimate paradise destination for all believers.  Those arriving at the gates of Heaven will be given a small amount of Heavenbucks for compensation, then sent directly to Hell.
   According to St. Peter, a spokesman for God, Heaven has seen its population grow at an increasing rate over the past decade.  "With all these professional football players spreading the word of God so effectively after game winning touchdowns and such, coupled with humans' love of having sex, which results in more potential followers, we've seen a huge increase in the number of believers," he said.
   "Plus, the rise in gang activity has grown- and gang members love bustin' caps in suburbanites.  Of course, Christianity is a current trend among these victims," Peter added.
   God's decision to send the Heavenbound to Hell came when he was informed that the population of Heaven has lowered the quality to just-above-paradise levels.  In fact, adding one more person to Heaven would affect the living quality of those already there so as to make Heaven merely a near-paradise.
   "God simply couldn't go on knowing that all people coming to Heaven would be disappointed that it isn't paradise, as he promised in the 2000-year-old Bible, available wherever books are sold," Peter said.  "So rather than allowing people to live in pseudo-paradise, God said, 'Send 'em all to Hell.'   That's the kind of guy He is- all or nothing."
   Satan (a.k.a. the Devil, Lucifer), an ex-friend of God who runs Hell, is looking forward to the diversity the unexpected Heaven-rejects will bring.  "I was getting tired of all these murderers, rapists, and Catholics," he said.  "This new blood should mix things up nicely."
   Perhaps the most distressing news for the new Hell inhabitants, apart from the eternal agony of fiery stakes  driven into their flesh and molten lava poured into their orifices, is the fact that with the current exchange rates, one can only get 0.79 Hellbucks to the Heavenbuck.