2003 Oscars
Preview
Grammy nominees set up, knocked down, and forgotten. Now on to the
Oscars. The juggernaut just keeps on rolling, baby. |
Best Picture
Chicago- Well, it's a musical that's not called
“Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,” so I haven't seen it. Quick,
name three other Catherine Zeta-Jones movies. Not so easy, is it?
Gangs of New York- “Fuck ‘Taxi Driver,’ ‘Raging Bull,’ and ‘Goodfellas.’
Let's give him an award for his worst movie in, like, a decade.”
The Hours- Another one I didn't see. I won't let that
discourage me, though. Any movie with three chicks on the poster
has to be some pretentious, soul-searching, emotional hogwash. Except
“Caged Heat 3000.”
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers- Hey Academy, we already
know you're giving the third one the Oscar, so why waste the spot on this
one this year? “Mr. Deeds” was unfairly forgotten.
The Pianist- Wow, I've seen two of the nominees! Maybe
the Academy's slowly shifting its focus toward good movies. Odd that
they'd pick this one, because considering its length and the age of the
average Academy member, they'd have to take a piss about five times during
the film.
Best Actor
Adrien Brody, “The Pianist”- Hell, anyone with
a nose that big is going to make for a convincing Jew.
Nicolas Cage, “Adaptation”- After snubs for “Windtalkers,” “Captain
Corelli's Mandolin,” “Gone in Sixty Seconds,” “The Family Man,” “8MM,”
“Snake Eyes,” “City of Angels,” and “Con Air,” it's about time he got nominated.
Michael Caine, “The Quiet American”- I find it hard to see movies
that are only playing in 10 theaters nationwide.
Daniel Day-Lewis, “Gangs of New York”- Quick, call Vegas.
I've got a lock.
Jack Nicholson, “About Schmidt”- Yeah, he was good. But
he's Jack Nicholson, for Christ's sake. A balloon with a comb-over
could have played this part.
Best Actress
Salma Hayek, “Frida”- Anyone who can make that
unibrow Frida Kahlo look hot gets my vote.
Nicole Kidman, “The Hours”- As a depression-riddled Virginia
Woolf. Hey, Woolfy, take off the prosthetic shnoz, realize you've
got the tightest ass in Hollywood, and get out of the house. Nothing
like some cathartic promiscuity to cure those blues. (And make me
want to see your movie.)
Diane Lane, “Unfaithful”- With this and “Chicago” being nominated,
Richard Gere hasn't been associated with so many respected movies since...well...birth.
Julianne Moore, “Far from Heaven”- I think this movie's about
a married man who's actually gay, so I went and saw “Die Another Day” instead.
Then I went home and broke boards over my head and masturbated to “Wild
On.”
Renée Zellweger, “Chicago”- She looks too much like Traci
Lords to be taken seriously.