In my opinion, that's not a good thing. I never want to not miss him, I can't imagine how hollow things would be if it didn't hurt to be alone so much.

See, this leads me to my argument against mood-elevating prescription drugs. Life isn't up to us, pain is not up to us. If we drown ourselves in medication, what is our existance worth? Squat, jack squat. Pain makes people who they are, the blues inspire the artist, the greatest minds of our time have not been happy ones. Are we erasing the very things that make us who we are?

My mother thinks that I'm a snob and only seeing one side of the issue because she says I don't know what kind of life people live before they have to began the morphine drip that is Zoloft. She say I don't understand that sort of pain and the minds these fine folks live in everyday.

And mayhap I don't.

Take for instance Back Fat. That's what I've dubbed the woman sitting nearest to me at work. All day long I hear her on the telephone with her daughter's myriad doctors. Mental and physical. Her oldest is on seven medications as of the last time she was in the office. She sounds proud. Though I know she wants folks to commiserate with her. And in this day and age, people are most likely to do so. I on the otherhand bristle like a boar when she starts off. Her daughter is no different than I was at that age. I, however, had parents that refused to dope me up...even when they were told to.

When I proofread, I sounded like a snob. Did I?

Now I'm all for a Valium on a day when say, a family member dies, or your stock crashes and you lose millions. But just to make it day to day?

I think my mother defends the institution so vehemently because she's taking medication and not telling me. When she's so far away, how would I be able to know if she didn't tell me?

This seems to be one of the only things I haven't let go of from my recent year of black and white thinking.

My twenty second year on this fine little planet I got uppity. Now before you judge me, I was not bigoted, outwardly snobbish, and never once did I force my opinions on anyone else. I just saw things so clearly, everything in life seemed so black and white, choices were obvious, and I could not understand the thougth process behind some people's skulls.

My life is spent making other people happy and creating good energy. EVERYTHING else is a waste of energy. Now this of course falters here and there, but we all have our faults. In short, I'm a pleaser, because it pleases me to be one.

Mean people, women who breed with unemployed alcholics, those that act as if they aren't part of the entire pond, I guess I could just say evil people in general. I've learned in the past year that there are entire spectrums in our world that consist of nothing but shades of grey. Not for me, that is. Everything in my life is still black and white, I'm just more tolerant of those that don't share my view.