Money has been such a great focus for me lately. Perhaps even to an unhealthy point. A year ago, I made Adam the "High Mighty Big Brother Budget Keeper and Bill Payer." It had gotten to the point where I was revamping our budget everyday, and worrying about it even when there was nothing I could do about it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a worrier of the first brood. I worry before it is even necessary to worry. I worry before I fall asleep if I'll have clean and matching socks when I get ready for work in the morning. The sad truth is that my mind seems to have something to munch on at all times.

Adam, being the oh so Zen-like individual just looks at me and says, "That's why you can't ever meditate sucessfully..."

Thank you Big Brother Buddha alMIGHTY. I know this. I realized this a long time ago. However, realization may be the first step towards correction, but that second step is a bitch. Quiet the mind, quiet the mind...

If only I could quiet the mind. I look around at everything we have, material wise. We have so much compared to so many other individuals. I don't want anymore. We have the best of everything we need. So if we aren't buying anything, where does our money go? The both of us have an expensive espresso habit, it's up to about 15 dollars a day. Cigarettes cost a hell of a lot more than they used to. We have four, count 'em, four cats to feed. Should that eat up our entire income? We have two cars, mine always has problems. It's currently blowing smoke up my ass (or under the hood, take your pick) when I push it too hard. My brake light comes on even when the brake fluid is ample and the emergency brake is off. I have a way with things electrical.

I also make clocks go forward 4 minutes everywhere that I spend more time than most...at work, in the car, at home in the bedroom. It's always done this. I also carry a charge, I can zap you if you want me to, just ask.

All of this aside, I was pontificating on monetary matters.

Why is it even important to me? My childhood was spent at yard sales and thrift stores (my adulthood is much the same). My parents didn't place that much importance on money to me. We just didn't have any. Could the answer be that simple? Because I didn't have it before...I find ways of making it disappear now, in order to perpetuate the cycle? That would be a good idea to meditate on if I could meditate in the first place. What irony.

I have so much to do this afternoon, but I have stopped myself from making a list. Things will be done when they are done. I conciously make myself ignore my tendencies to organize things down to the route I'll take to maximize my gas mileage and time spent in the car. But I'm sorely tempted.

Quiet the mind, quiet the mind...

I continue to have jumpy nerves about New Years.

My father says that it won't matter as long as we got a full tank of gas, candles, firewood, and a big bag of weed. God love that man.

Too much rushes through.

Quiet the mind.

Quiet the mind.