June 9, 2000
Mary Stewart Masterson is the queen of lesbian undertones.

And Shelly is the Punk Rock Queen.

Just a moment, I have to go take the bowl back from Adam before I can properly greet you fine people. Please, don't go I'll be right back.

Now then, on with it.

Situations I have yet to have the chance to experience but before I die, I'll have high drama while looking devastatingly glamorous at the same time.

I want to be dressed in an aviator getup on some exotic island, sweaty with the constant sound of insects darting under the low ceiling with constantly moving ceiling fans... surrounded by drunken gamblers and filthy glasses of whisky, women laughing while dancing between tables carrying rotgut to the patrons. Some handsome but dastardly dark skinned man will grab one waitress, her tray crashing to the floor and she screams while he laughs. I'd push away the table and stand up sending startled lushes to the floor, back straight, stone faced and with one hand on my gun get the chance to say, "You take your damned hands off her, or you're a dead man."

I want to walk into a room and see my husband's eyes trained on me, locked there. I want flirt cleverly through the evening with just enough distance to drive him further. I'd walk to retrieve my coat before leaving to be surprised by his hands spinning me around by my waist, to be bent back and have a bourbon soaked voice to tell me huskily, "...that this, this is what I was made for."

Well goddamnit. I got distracted by that awful movie. Had nothing to do with the marijuana. Nothing to see here, move along now.

Parking Lot Update...

Today the new downstairs neighbor, Damsel, came home to find Subtle Bitch in her parking spot for the third day in a row. Another bitchy note, another brick in the wall. Adam and I were outside smoking when she got home so we listened to her rant for awhile. I understand though, The Bitches have really done nothing but shit on us. Then again, why would I give a good goddamn about this inane bullshit? It's a parking lot for Christ's sake. Then again we park on the street and they constantly act like their shit doesn't stink. I'm going to key her car, just wait.

So the last few days have been just chopping wood, carrying water. Oversleep, every day, get to work late so you have to stay late. Tension, and plenty of it. Work a full week, shave everything three times in said week, pluck, moisturize, exfoliate, paint, don't forget your top coat, tame unruly hair, get by one more day on the clean clothes you have left, cook dinners, disinfect the bathroom, get the kitchen floor while you're at it, change the bloody duvet, and some clean sheets would be nice. Hey, why don't I move the bookcase and it's hundred of heavy occupants. Remember, Dad's coming for dinner so defrost the flounder in the freezer and pick up fresh veggies on my way home, company's coming so I better clean the toilet and that spot that's been on the living room carpet that looks like a hair turd.

There's no way this will all be ready by 6:30 tomorrow.

Speaking of high drama, we have a situation with Sanmitsu, my brother in law. At first I was too angry with him to fully explain and express it all. I still am, but now I know other people feel the same way so I feel justified. I suppose that makes it easier to talk about. This will take some background though, get a cup of coffee and I'm having a cigarette before I start.

So, Sanmitsu and Adam have both been studying ninjitsu for quite some time. Neither have been studying it very hard as of late. Adam had to drop out because of money and Sanmitsu stayed on, making a higher que over time. During this period, he lost all of his extra weight, of which there was plenty. He began to make lots of money and got laid for the first time. He began to buy everything that he thought you needed to be successful. He met a beautiful girl and they fell in love. We thought he had his shit together mentally, spiritually and physically. We saw another side of him when we all took a trip to St. Simon's with them and Red, Sanmitsu's best friend.

We had a great time at first, we had gone to celebrate Sanmitsu's birthday, which traditionally was met with mind altering hallucinogens. Hepburn, the girlfriend didn't have much experience here so we all sort of had to baby-sit her while we were tripping. Then she began to think the bathroom was evil. Now I don't know about you, but when I'm tripping there's nothing more wicked to do to someone than to plant that seed in their mind. I knew the bathroom wasn't evil. But the more she talked about it the more I was positive that bathroom was the Gate to Hell. So that was that, I didn't just sit and expand my mind, I spent the whole night with my legs crossed and folded under me... scheming on my outdoor pee plan once everyone was asleep.

Did I mention a D.E.A. Agent lived upstairs? We're quite a bright group.

Anyhow, Adam and I had gone of our own accord to pay the fee for the weekend cleaning. Somehow, people didn't think that we should pay less than them when it came to the food. They didn't mention this until we had been back for a few weeks, then we find out that they've all been stirring the shit amongst themselves and bitching about us.

Finally, I get tomy point here;

They've done it again, the three of them. Sanmitsu left for Japan a week ago. He left out of shape, overweight and without a permanent place to live prearranged. He went to train under the 33rd Don of My Left Tit, or something along those lines. So he's to be gone for 3 months. Everyone had volunteered to help out, feed and play with his cats and so forth.

The day before he left, I just happened to be in the bathroom with Pita at this point, Adam came home and told me that he had had to tell his brother to go fuck himself. It turns out that he passed out a fucking memo that had phone numbers and then stated that only Hepburn and Red were allowed to be in his apartment for anything other than the animals, and if he found out that there was there would be a problem. He had the balls to give this to us, his mother, his father and a few friends.

This note of course was for us. We do laundry at my father's and Adam's father's house when they are out of town. The reason being, we don't have our own and our parent's like having someone in the house while their gone. Apparently he thought we'd just come over and make ourselves at home, and he even admitted to it straight out. I was so angry when Adam finished that I had totally lost my kitten concentration and was frothing at the mouth.

But Adam wouldn't let me do anything about it. He's ashamed of his brother and his actions, but if I was Adam I'd be angry for another reason. He is allowing his friends access and slamming the door in his brother's face. That pompous jackass, I'd slap him square in the face if he was here. I wanted to go over to his condo and squat right in the middle of his expensive carpet and piss all over it, signing my name in marker. We talked it to death, Adam trying to make me understand why anger really had no place there. He spoke of astonishment instead of hurt. I didn't really believe him.

Now, his mother comes into play. She lives in the same house that has been split into condos that he recently moved into. She is so enraged that she can't even talk about it right now. She hadn't read her own copy, but instead found a copy taped up in the kitchen while she was doing him the favor of feeding his animals. After reading it she ripped off the part about "there will a problem" because she was embarrassed for him. Then, even though she has her own, she went and gathered up her dingy white and soiled colors and did a few loads of laundry at his place for the hell of it.

You have got to love this woman sometimes.

I feel sorry for him when he gets back, he has made some righteous enemies. But that won't matter to him, because he'll have all his things surrounding him, his stocky woman and backstabbing best friend. I honestly hope he's having a good time.

There's a nekkid woman sitting on a desk on HBO. End of story because my concentration has been irretrievably lost again.

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