May 1st
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May 4th

Sound; As cheesy as it sounds, Alanis Morisette's Jagged Little Pill is what helped me through 1995.

Sight; I truly appreciate every material thing that is surrounding me at this moment, it hasn't always been there.

Taste; We ate alot of one pan surprises with tomato, paste and basil.

May 2, 2000
Katherwood.

In 1995, Adam and I along with our friend Roommate lived in one of the worst parts of Atlanta. Why? Because we could rent a three bedroom house for $550 a month. A mother of my friend owned it and I'm sure she would've rather rented to us instead of people that would sell crack out the back door. The people that lived there before us had, isn't that a fucking zany little story?

So, We had no money, no furniture, and little to no love for one another. It was a immature "girls versus boys" way of life, all of my friends were dating all of Adam's friends and everyone was very unhappy. We feed each other's fears and hatreds. When one person did something to another we all knew about it, and I'm not talking about he said she said. I'm talking about, POS stole Adam's brother's car and totaled it. Red slept with Boop's "slow" sister one night and ended up breaking her heart. POS stole Adam's credit card. Little Man is dealing coke with POS and Adam and I'm not allowed in the room, in my own house when their discussing it. Another funny thing, if they had let me in on it maybe I could've kept all our profits out of Little Man's nose. POS knocked Boop up and everyone thinks he's the father of Wigger's baby too. Ham just got sent to prison right after Country Ass found out she was pregnant. Etc. etc. etc.

Is it not acceptable to believe that Adam and I would be drawn into our own problems too surrounded by this chaos? I cheated a few times, I cried myself to sleep most nights, I waited tables.

See, my mother had just left my father also. So I was supporting a suicidal father and trying to keep my head above water in the rest of my life. This was the hardest year of my life. Then I came up pregnant for the first time. I was 18. Damn this is hard to write about.

I came out of the clinic for people without insurance that I had gone to my whole life, my parents never having insurance for us. Adam was to meet me at the Georgia Tech Marta station, when I saw him I was so happy, I skipped to him. I told him my due date, I was going over the listing of government aided prenatal clinics and I looked up at him with a huge grin. On a train, surrounded by strangers he just asked me, "Sarah, what are you doing?"

I had been under the impression that this was ill timed but the ball was rolling, I was excited in the unknowing and naive way that most young girls are when they find out. The look on his face, he was in awe that I was happy. He looked devastate. We didn't talk all the way home.

I was blown away. Then the assault by Adam and his friends began, I had to have an abortion. I was being selfish. Today I would spit in the face of someone other than Adam trying to tell me what to do with my body. Instead I sat on the couch and cried, them pacing in front of me and scolding me. This went on until I was far enough along to have the procedure, 7 weeks. I collapsed, I gave in, I went and spent 8 hours being corralled from room to room with all sorts of other ghetto mothers until finally I woke up naked, my legs flailed to the sides of my gurney, and alone. The first thing I saw was another one of the girls being wheeled in still unconscious in the same position.

When I could stand, I met Adam in the waiting room and we walked almost halfway to the Marta station, until we were in front of the Fox and I didn't want to walk anymore. I begged Adam for a taxi and he complied. It was an extravagant expenditure, but we managed to pay rent anyhow.

I couldn't work during my pregnancy, I was incredibly sick, so I wasn't a contributing member of the household. This opened me up to further humiliation and scolding by Adam and his friends. I didn't work for awhile after the abortion either. I hated everyone and I wasn't leaving the house. Fuck them.

I left a few times. Never made it out the door fully. Then I got Adam to sever our ties with the psychotic people we were surrounded by and move in with my father.

See, out of all this, what makes me cry is remember how I would take a bath. We turned our water on ourselves, and had no gas. No money, remember? This is amusing.

I bought a few hotplates and coffee makers. I would plug them all in and heat the water in all of these appliances, mixing them with cold from the faucet until I had enough for a bath. Then bath really quickly. I only got to take a bath every few days, it took about three hours. Adam on the other hand would take freezing cold showers every morning.

Writing this hurts. I regret only that I wasted an entire year like this.

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