Sound;
Sour Girl by STP. I tried to win tickets this morning for a small live
venue but alas, I never when radio contests. Okay, I really just wanted
to call in but didn't. Okay, I just heard the announcement. That's the
truth.
Sight; My ever
swelling Buddha belly. Like
it?
Taste; Cinnamon raisin bagel and cantaloupe.
Touch;
I don't know where my breasts are collecting enough skin from on my body
to cover these mounds heaped upon my chest. They are massive. To me at
least.
Smell; Everything stinks. Everything.
April 7,
2000
The rabbit's died.
- it's half last night's hibachi and half kidlet -
So yes. I have conceived. Apparently one evening in early March, Adam and I were slightly more passionate than usual... fornicating long past our normal thirty-minutes-then-sleep routine. It was wonderful, I let him do things he normally doesn't, and loved it. I've read recently that a woman's orgasm has nearly more to do with conception than a man's, the force of it drawing the little eyeless swimming creatures past the cervix with greater force than the initial ejaculation. So ladies, if it's really good, watch your ass. Or your belly as the case may be.
On St. Patrick's Day, near 10:00 I decided that my bosom was just too buxom for normal premenstrual syndrome. I bought an e.p.t. and a pack of cigarettes, just in case I was being overly cautious, in fact, I felt like I was wasting $13.00. I didn't even need to pee so I squeezed out five to ten drops into a plastic cup, instead of directly onto the strip, and let the test absorb it from there. Initially there was no second line and I was quite upset that I wasted my lunch money, then all hell broke loose while I watch white turn pink.
We weren't happy for quite awhile. I cried all day and even woke up crying in the evening. I never wanted to be a mother outside of the home. Now I have no choice. We waited a few days to tell people, but as soon as I told Big Daddy, he told me that Other Mother had volunteered to watch the baby during the day, so my fears of daycare - horrible germ pools with people that you know little to nothing about - disappeared... soon after than things began to fall into place. I had a dream that my employer would be willing to let me telecommute 2 days a week, instead they spit in my face.
Chief took me outside last Friday and asked me a few things;
Was I sure I didn't want an
abortion?
You know that the road your choosing is long and hard, right?
What will you do? You have nothing. No education, nothing to fall back
on.
What if Adam leaves?
Are you sure you're even pregnant?
I walked away so disillusioned with the man I thought was my compassionate
caring "team leader." He took a vacation this week, so I've had plenty
of time to leave it be, and just know that his issues with pregnancy are
just that, his own issues.
I've gotten right with it. I am taking it a trimester at a time mentally. There's much to do. We're going to try and buy a house (another entry all it's own) this summer. I handling it. Adam's trying like hell to catch up with me, but we're past the negativity stage.
It's easier for me to accept,
having to change my entire life to accommodate this person. I eat well
and often, I've quit smoking, I've quit getting high, I've quit drinking,
I've had to quit wearing platform shoes and eating sushi, I've had to
stop riding a bike in exchange for walking, I can't button the top of
my pants or wear my bras, I sleep maybe 14 hours a day, and thank god
I have a handle on being queasy.
It's hard.
It's really fucking hard and it's only going to harder.
At the same time it's beautiful and will continue to grow.
It's half of the man I love.
I'll be an incredible mother. Just you wait.