Sound; Nothing, I'm blocking distractions out. All I'm aware of is the blood rushing through my ears

Sight; I'm unhappy with the artwork I've been doing lately. I'm not sure what's wrong either.

Taste; Narcolepsy Special again. Meatloaf, mashed potatos and green beans.

Touch; It is just too hard to leave the bed in the morning during the winter. I've been late everyday.

Smell; Patch oil.

January 27, 2000
A Whole World of What If.

Funny how people's thoughts can alter their reality.

Three days ago I was questioning the path that Adam and I had chosen concerning having a family.

Yesterday I fainted at my desk while doing nothing.

Today I realized that I was a week late. With no signs of Aunt Flo on the horizon, no soreness, no high riding emotions, no cramps, no weight gain.

What to do. Well, that question is already answered for me. It's keeping things in the hypothetical that is keeping me focused. See, bearing children is a complicated issue for me. I've had two miscarriages previous to an ill decided D&C when I was very very young. I'm not sure if the procedure caused the miscarriages, though the women in my mother's family each and every one, have had miscarriages. Each of them has eventually borne healthy children. One aunt in particular had between 8 and 10 before carrying to term. Being RH negative doesn't help the situation either.

The question of if I want a child is not the important issue at the moment. My health comes first.

If I want to attempt a pregnancy, I have to have weekly/semi-weekly injections of Progesterone ~i believe that's the spelling~. I'd also be bedridden. I'm terrified. It is incredibly painful to miscarry, I'm so afraid to conceive because that's all that pregnancy means to me. Pain. For a long time I refused to even have sex because the thought alone was enough to bring back phantom pains. It's been long enough now that I've forgotten the specific feeling of the pain, but not mental. I know it hurt, I just don't remember exactly how it hurt.

Fuck fuck fuck damn. I should not be even allowing myself to get so wrapped up in the thought. I can't be sure until I leave work, picking up a test on the way home. I know that Adam and I both believe that there is a time and a place for everything, this not being the time for us to be parents. But what if you don't get a choice?

This is enough. I have whipped myself into enough of a frenzy that I can't wait until after work. I'm leaving to go to the grocery store right after uploading this. Think good thoughts about me, folks, alright? I'm grateful for it.

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