Sound; My building installed a new fire alarm that makes your brain leak slowly from your ears. I think it's called the Aneurysm 2000

Sight; My heart nearly stopped and I laid back my head to catch the first snowflakes of the year.

Taste; Stuffed bell peppers that had no pepper to them, just a lump of meat with rice.

Touch; Snowflakes caught in my eyelashes.

Smell; The scent of the not-yet-thrown away meat/rice ball.

This morning Frau Schoozenheifer had her way with me, I felt incredibly violated. I keep meaning to retroenter for the last few days but have nothing to give. It seems to be catching, the entries in the journals I follow are few and far between for the last week, for some unknown reason. Maybe it's not me, maybe the ennui doesn't have me by the teats, maybe there's a planet in retrograde that made me almost storm in and quit the best job I ever had last week, I promise to retroenter, really.

January 24, 2000
It's all yellow, I may as well eat it.

I'm not sure which is more full, my heart or my head. I reside inside a hurricane whose path I am more than familiar with. At the start of the month I am a creative force to be reckoned with, a driving spirit, burning fiercely.

Towards the end of the month I wind down, and right now, I'm winding with no end in sight. Everything is too damned hard, everyone is against me...and if they aren't against me, they sure as hell aren't with me. This fades in and out as the month wears on.

I'm questioning the path that Adam and I have chosen when it comes to having a family. I want to end my life with Adam's hand in mine, surrounded by our children and their children and their children. But I don't want anyone to ever have to stay the night with me. I know that it doesn't work this way, but at least I'm honest with myself about what it is I'm after. Questioning doesn't mean changing.

I feel like I've got so much more to give than is needed at my place of business. I would love to be working behind the scenes on an up and coming webzine, a shitty little site that no one knows about yet, but with my eye and someone else's HTML expertise, and maybe a real journalist, I could really be a part of something. Instead of the lowest of the low in a semi-corporate company that could care less whether I live or die? Well, they care, because then they'd have to deal with my left behind 401K.

My mind is under the restraints that I have placed there myself. I am the one who listened when I was told that I had better get an office job, because without any education, I wouldn't be able to do anything else. Stability.

How important is my stability?

It's important if I like to live in anything other than a cardboard box. I've lived without heat and gas and power and anything else for extended periods of time before. It wasn't that bad. What was the worst was that I was under my father's eye at that time, and he was judging me by my actions, not by my intent.

My intent was to find out the adult that I am. But now.....uproot my life? Hold down horrid temp jobs while desperately trying to find someone who thinks I have a little talent? Well frankly, hell yes.

Now's the time for action. My father's eye is elsewhere, my ground at work is shaky, my heart is aching for more than I'm getting. There has got to be a better path than the one that I chose.

Big talk from a little pussy.

I have to be honest with myself. This is where I belong right now. I have to have a firm footing to begin my path. I say that, and I've said it for years...I'm almost 23, it's time for that path to become clear....where the fuck is it? What am I meant to do?

You know, I've always thought I had what it takes to dance at The Cheetah.

I'm restless. I'm anxious. I'm uncomfortable in my surroundings and my own skin. I look in the mirror and the face staring back at me isn't the face that I feel inside. I know this makes little to know sense but it is a feeling, not a fact. I am the exact opposite of my actions. I am not the person everyone knows. I am not the person that I have become. I am not this cornerstone of conformity. I am young and so goddamned old. Overnight I became an adult, because my father needed me to be. But once he no longer needed that...well, after that I have no one to blame but myself.

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