Sight; The Onion is back from it's holiday hiatus today! Hence the format of today's entry.

Sound; It's raining, there's no sound like it. It never fails to make me calm and blue.


Taste; Coffee coffee coffee.


Touch; I'm wearing my fuzzy topped leopard print socks today, very very soft. I'll try to get a photo before the day is out. Alright, in the photo, I'm pulling up my pants leg, you can't see the sock top if I don't. I'm not that tacky folks.

~ ~ ~

January 13, 2000
Local Woman Shocked to Discover It's Been Over a Week Since She Got Any Action.

SOMEWHERE BENEATH THE MASON DIXON LINE--Sarah Sheppard, 22, a self-described "overworked yet loving wife" was aghast when confronted by our reporters.

"The first question I have is, 'Why didn't anyone tell me?'" asks the usually randy woman, a 6 year veteran of romping with her husband. "I'm just as shocked as the rest of you." Though Sarah's libido has been questionable in the past, neither she nor her husband has had anything negative to say for quite some time.

This observation has been supported by the two men living down stairs from the couple in question. "Oh yeah, this place contains noise like a paper bag holds water. That crazy bitch is always screaming and moaning, usually after midnight," said Bruce, who is a delicous blond who we hear from one of our sources, does a great deal of screaming like a woman too.

"That's all I know," Bruce stated before scurrying back inside to listen to Ricky Martin again and again.

We attempted to contact Mrs. Sheppard after our story initially broke, only to find that she was quite upset over our whistle-blower investigation. "'What the hell are you asking me about this for anyhow, how'd you get this number?", asked Sarah.

We will not allow this stone-walling to continue, we WILL find out the truth. Speculation is vague at the moment. No one can quite put their finger on the reason for such an abrupt "cease fornicating".

"I'll bet it has absolutely nothing to do with the new web site, and the time she spends on it," Adam Sheppard added before shaking his head miserably and heading back into the bathroom with lotion and a box of tissues.

Just as we were giving up ourselves, we spoke to a very close friend of Sarah's who had this to say.

"It's Adam's own damned fault, he should've known better than to install that new massaging shower head last week."

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