on
11/30/2002
Dear Sudan:
There is a place of darkness in this modern world. Although it doesn't lack the cellular telephone technology you increasingly enjoy (as well as more old-fashioned land lines), it has to date received virtually no knowledge of spiritual enlightenment. I write, of course, on the state of Utah, in the republic of the United States of America, where the teachings of Allah, through the prophet Mohammed, are practically unknown.
A geographically expansive desert state on the central shelf of the North American continent, Utah has been, for much of her settled history, an isolated outpost of humanity. Increased congress with the rest of the wide world has come slowly and unsurely, hampered by the current religious majority, which holds power in the capital city of Salt Lake. The majority are followers of a Christian sect known as "Mormonism," which is referred to by its followers as the "Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" -- a synonymous but more polite (if somewhat wordy) term which should be memorized by the traveller. Salt Lake has modern sanitation, power...
...and food delivery facilities, and boasts an international-quality airport. The outlying areas are also reasonably developed, although many communities remain in a settled-nomadic state, existing as loose collections of stationary trailer houses. As in Islamic countries, alcohol is discouraged throughout the state. Travellers are encouraged to purchase a used vehicle for covering the extreme distances between cities. (Negotiation is not only polite but recommended in these transactions. A fair suggested price is $500-600 American. OBO means "or best offer.") A strong command of English is strongly encouraged.
With minimal funding solicited from other Muslim countries for this good work, I suggest the dispatch of Islamic missionaries to the dark state of Utah. These volunteers will encounter resistance along the way from the current religious majority, but with proper diligence could well establish a beachhead for missions to the region.
It may be best to establish the initial mosque, living quarters, school and mission gate somewhere outside of Salt Lake; religious violence is not unheard of in America, and fire arms are plentiful -- though not to the extreme that you may have heard. The outlying regions also host communities of potentially receptive malcontents, polygamists angered by the Mormon church's outlaw of the practice.
In short, Utah is calling out. Will the good souls of Sudan be the ones to answer?
Respectfully yours,
[etc.]
Touch the Toast