for
5/26/2001
Your allegations that the Eisenhower administration's military-industrial complex could have spun off into a shadow intelligence agency, with ties to the CIA, NSA, Russian Mafia, MOSAD and KFC, while simultaneously operating on a higher, string-pulling level, above all chains of command except for an unknown U.S. Senator who serves as its only authority, exercising command under the name "Mr. X," as did his father, and his father before him, as they were both created in a test tube on Pukka Reservation in Arizona under the code name "Fisher Kosher," which is actually a front for a Greek Illuminatti operating since 680AD at constant war with the Freemasons, are completely false.
Stop publishing them or we'll erase your memory.
Sincerely,
Nobody
p.s.- This letter has been laced with nanotech molecule droids, and will self-destruct if duplication is attempted.
* * *
Dear Percy:
You saw nothing on the night of January 7, in Tallahassee, FL. Seven SUVs did not merge together into a giant robot on hiway 57. There is no hiway 57. There is no Tallahassee, FL. There is no you.
There isn't if you attempt to go public, that is. We have the power. Fear!
Sincerely,
Nobody
p.s.- Rimshot, but do you know Brad Wilkins?
* * *
Dear Sir or Madam:
Yes! I am very much interested in the Portable Post Office, by your company. I have much use for a product that would allow me to meter mail in the comfort of my office, and free me up from ever having to go out for stamps. Please send me a unit at your earliest convenience.
Enclosed please find a cheque for the retail price of $129.99, plus $7.99 shipping and handling.
Sincerely,
Nobody
* * *
Dear Bureau 5:
The sample sent of Hydrothaloid Psychosis Serum has been compromised in transit. The vial was cracked as if by linear compression. If a new sample can not be obtained, our goals will be compromised.
Signed,
Nobody
* * *
Dear Mr. Catkins:
Your cellphone conversations have been monitored, as well as the use of your pager, fax, internet, e-mail, telegrams and so on. If you persist with these allegations that drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is a cover for unearthing an alien vessel that has been buried there for the last 5 million years, we will take action against you. We are everywhere, and know all there is to know.
Be prudent in your future allegations. Grave consequences await you, otherwise, as they do your mother Sylvia and brother Tom in such a case.
Sincerely,
Nobody
* * *
Dear Nobody,
Just thought I'd give you the heads up- Bob moved out last week. The dorm closed on the 15th; I'm just here finishing up some shit. Hope the letter wasn't too important.
Ciao!,
Nancy Freeman
Residence Assistant, Clabber Hall
* * *
Dear Nancy:
Is it possible that you have a forwarding address I could send stuff to Bob Catkins at? It's kind of crucial.
Yours truly,
Nobody
* * *
Dear Nancy:
I'll take your lack of response as a sign that you had moved out of the building before my last letter arrived. However, if this is an effort to ignore my demand, be aware that grave consequences will befall you and everyone you love. We control where you go, what you think, who you see and when you do it. We are greater than the sum of all parts. Live in fear, or respond to my simple request.
Sincerely,Nobody
p.s.- If this is not the Nancy Freeman who served as an RA at Clabber Hall this spring, please disregard this letter. Thank you.
* * *
Dear Mr. X:
In order to forward the noble work of this shadow intelligence office, I must request a small addition of $315.29 to our current operating budget of $1299 annually. This money would go toward useful upgrades to this office, such as a stapler, and a new digital eavesdropping box to replace the analog one; I feel confident that the savings in not having to replacing vacuum tubes on the old eavesdropping box would easily pay for its up-front cost in three years time.
The great work begun by my predecessors, who have been operating this office for more than half a century, would be greatly forwarded by a one-time influx of so small a sum.
Thank you for your concern.
Sincerely,
Nobody
* * *
Dear Mr. X:
Obviously you are a busy man, and a request as outrageous as the previous must have come as an insult. I plead that I was under the influence of cold medicine when I typed the figure, and must have punched an additional key on my typewriter. You can, I'm sure, understand my mistake.
I thus submit a CORRECTED budget request of a mere $35.29--as, again, I at first intended. Such a small expense would, I'm sure, be much easier on your tight budget to okay.
Sorry about the slip-up!
Best regards,
Nobody
* * *
Dear Mom:
Bureau 5's still being a pain in the ass. I submitted a 12799 form for a replacement vial of serum. It took five weeks for them to respond. Now they're saying that I must have sat on the package myself, and that I have to file a 1346589 replacement form. But that would come out of my budget, so I'm like... you know. I keep calling them but they just give me the "Empire Airlines" run-around and put me on hold. They know who I am.
Still in the basement office here in the Department of Agriculture, you know... running things. Massive conspiracies just aren't what they used to be. Actually, I suspect that the whole "massive" thing was just part of the conspiracy, too, and that it was never much larger than this.
Sad. Oh well. Suppose that's how the universe keeps its equilibrium.
Much love. Send cookies.
Love,Nobody
* * *
Dear Nobody:
Our magazine is interested in doing a profile on you. Would you be available for a phone interview on Tuesday 24, from 2 to 3PM?
Please be aware, when considering our request, however, that the material written from the interview may not appear in the magazine this or next month. This "Who Let the Dogs Out" thing is being prepped for a cover, and its substories may force us to bump the article. Please note that a fee of $40, standard reimbursement for an interview of this length, is offered.
I sincerely hope we can arrange something.
Best regards,
Matt Paulson
Editor, Fate Magazine
* * *
Dear Mr. Paulson:
This address is unreachable to all but those with the highest level of security clearance, and, indeed, unknowable to any with a clearance level below Cyan. I don't know how you've come across this address, but know that forces are mobilizing as we speak, and if you don't burn the address immediately, you will suffer the gravest possible consequences. This is not a joke. Heed our wishes, or be destroyed. It's your choice, but I warn you only to fear for your life, and the lives of your loved ones and acquaintances.
You have been thoroughly warned. Live in fear.
Signed,
Nobody
* * *
Dear Nobody:
Obviously our offer was not suitable. I am authorized to offer you $50 for the interview. Editorial space issues force me to scale the interview back to only 2-2:30. (The dogs are big, big, big this month!) This is really an excellent offer. I hope you'll agree.
Best regards,
Matt PaulsonEditor, Fate Magazine
* * *
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Pres. Madison Banks
* * *
Dear Mr. X:
Enclosed please find my letter of resignation. This massive global conspiracy is a joke.
And so's the one down the hall, so you know.
Signed,
Nobody
* * *
Dear Nobody:
Know that leaving this organization is an impossibility. The aims of your shadow intelligence agency can not be compromised by such human actions and inactions. You are like the grass, over which the wheels of state tread. Wheels, inside of wheels, inside of wheels, ad infinitum. There is no beginning and no end to our shadow power. We are the true overlords of America, micromanaging every aspect of its population. Fear the shadow.
Thus, as your final action before leaving the organization, please exterminate yourself and destroy the body. I would oversee it personally, but tomorrow and Tuesday are booked shit solid for me. You will receive overtime pay for any extra time spent at the office doing this. Don't forget to fill out your time card.
Your time in this organization has been valued. Please accept this gift basket as a token of our gratitude.
Much thanks,Mr. X
Touch the Toast