since
9/9/2000
Over the past few years, many of you have come to rely on the Space Toast News Service, not as your favorite news source, nor as your best, but definitely as your other. And as your other, we strive to provide you with the same things that the "big boys" do, only with half the depth. So while titans like GaryColemanNews.com and the 24-hour Virtual Larry King continue to duke it out in the ruins of CNN and Time Magazine, we present you with a rehash of their retrospectives.
Few outside of Space Toast News could have guessed, back in 1999 at the height of the land mines debate, what our own cub reporter Minni Paulkman (Now at GaryColemanNews.com--roast in hell you lucky bastard.) would discover about then mere candidate George W. Bush seconds before being ejected from a press conference and into a stone pillar. Minni's report, from our very own archive, appears here....
That's right. George W. Bush has a mouth on him.
The rest of the country, however, would not find this out for ten more months. (Back then, the Space Toast Page was read by very few people, much like today.) Here, from CNN's archives (courtesy of the Virtual Larry King Project) is a reminder of the event that would change the direction of a campaign, a presidency and a world....
"There's Adam Clymer, major league a------ from The New York Times." In spite of never having met Adam Clymer, I couldn't have said it better myself.
And it is an amusing irony of history that this comment could well have been buried and forgotten under a slug of uninteresting campaign stories. Indeed, Bush II could well have forgotten his own comments as quickly as his word meaning if his polls hadn't jumped 10 points overnight.
And so it was that the famous "Real George W. Campaign" began. "I'm gonna give you a f------ tax break and you f------- are gonna f------ like, you p--- sh------ a-------; it doesn't matter to me where the sh-- wiping money comes from and it shouldn't damn well matter to you co-- su----- bastards where the money comes from, all right?" The crowd cheered. "Damn f------ right," he concluded.
It was a torrent. Nineties cynicism snapped with an audible "f---!" and into the void roared the phenomenon of "0 Swearing." No longer did one have to grin and bear it--now we could yell and swear it, and our drum-leader was none other than George W. Bush.
He won by a landslide. The major parties snap-dragoned like the Reform Party, and out of the primordial soup came the modern political parties we know today--the Psychotic Fringe People and the Largely Apathetic Majority--balancing like previous parties, but now due to lower voter turnout.
And so here we are in the twilight hours of the re-Bush Administration, looking back prematurely at where we have come in so few years. Allow us, if you will, to reminisce...
Opponant Al Gore
"The guys a sh-- brained spotted-owl f-----! If he had half the gnus I do, he'd get off his f------ hump and attack my educational record. What do you mean he already has? That co-- sucker!"
The United Nations
"You want your f------ back dues, I got your f------ back dues right here! What the hell is that thing on your head, a double-long roll of toilet paper? Go back to Swahili-land, a------. You! That's a dress; you're a god-damned man in a f------ dress. Get the hell outta my city. New York doesn't want you loons, and you can forget about 'your' crack money."
[It should be noted that Secretary General Kofi Annan beat him quite handily in a fistcuff in the parking lot afterward, but Bush's words remain.]
The National Debt
"Do you think I give a rat's a-- about this country's national dept? Nobody's gonna cut us off! We're the f------ United States of A-f------ -merica! Who the f--- are we borrowing from, anyway? What do I care, though? I've got enough c--- sucking money to buy Latin America. They'll love me down there; I can cuss in Spanish, too."
The Big Lebowski
"F------ crude, stupid movie."
Nothing in Particular
"...a right-good p--- sh------ christ-humping can of sh--, bull sh--, horse sh-- and camel sh--. Holy sh--, f--- that chicken!"
Perhaps it is the words of this great, swearing man that should be allowed to end this essay. But I'm paid by the inch so I'd best get on with it. Truly will we miss the man who led this country through the great Internet Bust, the mighty Almost Fusion Age and the Gary Coleman Comeback. This was not merely a Presidency; it was an epic, a shift in the very conscience and vocabulary of the American people. None of us will ever be the same. And truly, Adam Clymer, you probably were a major league a------.
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