for
6/24/2000
No one really cares about "stars" when a movie is in the theatres. It's not until we see the movie listed for tv that we notice the familiar *** [Title of Movie] [Year] [Actors.] [Blurb, if there's room.], the *** being the number of stars or "star rating" that a movie has recieved.
For the unaccustomed, after a movie is released, a film is awarded a number of stars, probably by a committee within the industry. Maybe they just averages out the film critics' reviews. Clearly, I'm not accustomed either. I'm a film major, so don't feel bad--not that you would.
The system is intended to be a measure of how good a movie is. Generally, it works: Titanic (***) was a hell of a lot better than Godzilla (*). However, movies are one of the most subjective experiences possible, I've found, so it doesn't always work. Let's see what we can uncover when we go beneath the star ratings and look at the Best One-Star Movies of All Time....
Mortal Kombat: Director Paul Anderson (yes, that Paul Anderson) scored not exactly big, but moderately and at all with this destined-to-fail video game crossover. In the wake of the failures of such unwatchables as the Super Mario Brothers and Street Fighter tie-ins, MK's enjoyable design, enthusiastic crew and sparkling fight scenes managed to catapult it to TNT status, rather than shelving it into a late-night "Movies for Guys Who Like Movies" second feature.
Notable in this movie is the use of a veteran actor to keep the inexperienced cast in line (tv's Qui Chang Kane from Kung Fu and Kung Fu: The Legend Continues as the thunder god Rayden) and the use of techno-industrial music so designed as to have a beginning, middle and end, rather than leaving it chained to the endless dance loops of ecstasy-fueled ravers who could care less whether they were even conscious.
Knock-Off: Want to see a Van Dam movie that you won't hate? Admittedly, that's a tricky thing, and it's hardly something I'd promise. Still, those with an open mind might enjoy this Hong-Kong action flick, resplendant with faces familiar to American and Asian audiences. Miniature bombs placed inside of knocked-off brand name products threaten to blow the bejesus out of many thousands of random American children if the plot isn't foiled. At heart a buddy movie with tons of kick-ass sequences that actually manage to forward the story, this fan-servicing flick should be worth the rental. Be careful your video's not a knock-off, however.
Notable is a fun rickshaw race sequence, some good effects and locations, and a lot of Van Dam hitting his mark. Not bad, but why green fire?
8mm: I went to see this R-rated Nicholas Cage movie for one reason: to see whether or not the director of Flatliners had indeed forever forsaken the people who believed in him right up until he did Batman and Robin. I was pleasantly surprised by this dark, moody detective flick, with its signature visuals and genuinely interesting delvings into the blackened underbelly of the American porn scene (don't ask). In the end a Heart of Darkness-style plunge into evil without the distinct visual metaphor of the river, 8mm managed to be intriguing.
Notable for some cinematography that far surpassed any of his earlier work, some great scenes and an unflinching style, this movie might not have been Fight Club, but it was one of the best genuinely dark movies of the decade.
Paris When It Sizzles: On the lighter side, the only classic-era movie to make the list is this enjoyable American Movie Classics resident. Audrey Hepburn was seldom more beautiful than in this tale of washed-up hack screenwriter meets optimistic young typist. Sparks fly in a confusing way for the two characters, but we manage to stay with it as tale and reality begin to inter-twine. A genuinely fun movie for the Hollywood lover and anyone who knows that the script for Casablanca wasn't finished even after shooting had completed, this one's worth a Saturday afternoon with AMC.
Notable are the "walking through the script" scenes, angry swipes at method acting, and Audrey, Audrey, Audrey.
Touch the Toast