for
5/27/2000
Many of you have been wondering what the Space Toast News service has been up to lately. Have they simply been sitting in their little rec room, watching that same particularly unfunny joke go by again and again and again on Saturday Night Live, courtesy of their "live replay" digital VCR that no one of them can seem to get unstuck? Have they?
No! Nothing could be farther from the truth. In fact Space Toast News has continued to do what it always has, namely provide you with the single finest news reporting in the world. As proof of this, we present these recent articles, lumped together as the Space Toast News Spring Update. Enjoy!
SPACE TOAST NEWS- Backing up statements by CEO Bill Gates that his Redmond, WA-based company was indivisible "like an atom" the Justice Department-spawned split of Microsoft Corporation has caused a thermonuclear explosion. The massive blast leveled trees and houses as far east as Wisconsin, and threw billions of pounds of ejecta into the atmosphere. Only 52 square miles of the great state remain, making it the new smallest state in the Union, and prompting the firing of two US House of Representatives members who were, fortunately, killed in the blast.
A crater is all that remains of the rest of the state. It is currently filling with water.
"The Justice Department, with full sincerity, regrets that it ever undertook the actions that led to this event," said spokesman Kent Miller, regarding the case that led to the breakup/nuclear holocaust. "We should never have pursued any sort of legal action against the Microsoft Corporation. I am sorry that your relatives are dead, but glad that I'm alive. I hope you are too. I am willing to move on." He was met with sickly, agitated applause.
Possibly unrelated news, back in January, that Microsoft had become a nuclear power sparked outcries from rivals Pakistan and Netscape, and prompted the Justice Department's investigation that led to the charges and conviction.
This story is not all tragedy, however. Idaho resident Jerry Dahms reports that he now has water-front property. "There was just this ugly house next door, and now... hell, you know?" Indeed we at Space Toast News do. A large cunk of ledge, fractured from the surrounding bedrock near the epicenter of the explosion, managed to tear a 30-mile long inlet up to Dahms's backyard, burying itself beneath the property and placing the surviving 2/3 of the house up onto a "really pleasant little hill."
News of the breakup explosion caused little more than a titter on Wall Street however, with the NASDAC finishing marginally up 5.3 points on news of the failure of Red Hat Linux. Said Red Hat CEO Paulo Apollonia, "It was a dumb idea anyway."
SPACE TOAST NEWS- A man was seen walking around town this afternoon. He is believed to be between 20 and 35, and 150 lbs. in weight, with a face described by witnesses as "kind of attractive." He was unshaven for an estimated two days.
After proceeding down Maine Street, he entered a deli/bakery, owned by local resident Frida Gingrich. She later told reporters that she was in the back of the store at the time and witnessed nothing. "Nope. Didn't see a thing," reported Gingrich. She would be among the lucky ones.
Julia Chawa, working the counter at the local ice cream store, would soon sell the man a quart of mint chocolate chip. The man flashed her a "nice" smile, in partial view of the assembled customers, giving Chawa a "warm feeling," which, along with his healthy, bronzed tan, may have destroyed her precious sense of self worth for years, if not decades to come.
Says Marianne Grossman, author of "Teaching Lesbian Sex: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls" "How can we, as a society, continue to sit idly by and watch while men flaunt their 'menliness' with such blatant displays of daddy? Did I say 'daddy?' I meant, daddy! Sorry--'daddy!' I mean manli-DADDIEEEEE!" The police, as some have charged as being the norm, took no notice of this incident, and refused to answer Space Toast News's repeated TTY calls. "Who the hell is this? What's that noise?" stonewalled a voice, believed to be that of Deputy Sergeant Thomas Peters, adding fuel to the man-friendly police force argument.
The incident ended peacefully by 7:15PM, with the suspected man returning to his sailboat in the harbor. There, spotters report having seen him interact with children which, it was feared, he had created through sexual intercourse. This was confirmed by wife Judith. "He's good in the sack," reported witness Judith, who went on to recount with chilling lightness his handy use of power tools, loving care of the boat and inability to ask for directions. "We thought we were in Casco Bay yesterday, but we were actually in Muscongas; it's funny when you think about it."
Anti-coital penetration legislation remains bogged-down in an allegedly do-nothing Congress.
SPACE TOAST NEWS- While clothing buttons have not yet come into fashion with the simple Amish people of northern Pennsylvania, one "button" has. With the successful test of their first wooden A-bomb at the ground-breaking of Isaiah Samson's new barn, the Dutch Amish (actually from Germany) have become the world's newest nuclear power. The Amish design is estimated to have a blast power of 1-millionth of a megaton, or about that of a single stick of dynamite.
"Ach aye, ye shoulde have seen the Firmament split and yon stump go flyeing!" said an excited Amishman, who prided himself on being too backward to have a name.
President Clinton, when asked about the aquisition of nuclear weapons by the Amish, said in a press conference, "Hey, that's not a real press pass!" moments before our reporter was escorted away. He slipped through lax security soon after to steal a stapler.
"To reach critical mass with an oak pile, rather than a Plutonium or Uranium one is nigh-on impossible. I have been struggling for years with more fissionable plywood and have yet to receive any real results" said Harvard physicist Walter Kates Espagne (actually from Germany). "I applaude the Amish, not just for building a nuclear bomb, but also for finding ways to avoid taxes like Harvard does."
All of this comes as a blow to rival Shakers who claim that they will soon posess a newer, "hand-crafted, and thoroughly timeless" wooden A-bomb, and further request that our perky young reporter "please, for the love of God" not say "blow."
SPACE TOAST NEWS- This is the first paragraph, which announces what happened. It then goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on for a bit, as per the template.
This is the second paragraph, which probably is supposed to heighten the tension or something. I don't know; my style guide was hastily scrawled on a napkin by a drunk man, and we ran out of toilet paper last week. At least the paragraph can be short.
"I should damn well have a quote by now. 'Hey, who cashed the doughnuts? I'm only an hour late!' I quote before putting this all in quotes and changing the double quotes I just used to single quotes. End quotes." Now I should probably put something out here.
I just typed these words and these too.
Having typed a simulated full story, I can now pass it along, expecting no trouble from the barely-existent editorial staff. Watch, I'll add a spelling eror. "Write an article, quick!" said Space Toast. "I need to print something this week, and it's already Monday night!" Well fuck him. In fact, fuck 'em all. Plus that girl who won't even talk to me, over by the boss's office. Oh yeah, you baby. Fuck you and the boss you rode in on.
Finally, back to my porn sites. COPY!
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