for
3/25/2000
Writer's note: The film that so nearly put me in the hospital last weekend has been completed as I write, Sunday evening. Now I just need to get the Super8 developed, and edit it. The film is dead; long live the film!
It's that time of year again. No, not the one you're thinking of. Every year, Caption This! fans get together on the darndest-near official (and, by the way, lavishly designed) Dementia web site...
...to honor their fellow cappers, and the random still frames of the Scifi Channel that allowed them the fun they've had. The Demmys are the annual awards show of Dementia. Voting is open to the public, and has begun. This year's show promises to be a lot of fun.
Now, perhaps it's time I dimmed the lights a bit and said a few things about the Dementia web site. Updated weekly by a chap who goes by the name of Artanas, the site features numerous interesting tidbits, like bios of certain cappers (yes, SpaceToast is one of them), banner ad spoofs, and, yes saved captions. The archive of favorite captions stretches back several years and includes everything from Wonder Woman to Barb Wire to early morning infomercials. There is, however, one glaring omission: SpaceToast.
Your host is not featured, even once, in the archives. The why of it is even more puzzing. It would make sense if the Toast simply wasn't funny, but that is not the case. Actually, maybe it is. We don't know, because the Toast can never catch Artanas capping. Archives go up every week, but never are they sampled from the hours he spends on Caption This! most weeks. But he's not bitter. (Grumble) On to the Demmys.
This year's Demmys, presented in Flash4 format (but not until June or July), promise to be better than ever. Let's browse the categories. Fortunately, I might add, I'm not in the running for any awards, so I can't be biased about the entries! Go me. Oh right, let me put on my colorful best.
The Best Cameo category honors caps dealing with sightings of the famous. From Shatner to Short, they can't hide forever...
BrakYeller"Now, Bing, while he's mesmerized by his own stardom! Hide Shatner's toupee! Hide it!"
boskoI hate it when Skeletor takes his time at the ATM
TravisBickleYeah, I remember the first Vanilla Ice concert. Hearing the simultaneous cry of every minority in the world saying, "Oh man, come on! Don't do that!!!"
GotMilkJesse the Body celebrates his victory.. "Stupid Wisconsinites!" 'Uh, sir? This is *Minnesota*!' "Aw, SHIT!"
Somehow, you always know the commercials immediately. When a show's been slogging on and on in near darkness for lack of a lighting budget, or an old B-movie has been shot on such cheap stock that it remains grainy even when shrunk down to a capper's-eye-view thumbnail, the commercials come on, and they look decidedly different. They're also trying to sell things. I think my train of thought has entered dark territory and Steven Seagal has begun crawling around on it, but it's too late at night to care about that...
BuffoonI'm just guessing here, but I don't think the next line of this commercial is "Buy side-by-side cemetery plots."
keoghCharter member of the "Mistaken for a Golfball Association."
TravisBickleActually, not at all what I was expecting when I looked down in my Pringles container.
GersonK"And in frame 457, we can clearly see the bullet impacting on the back of Buzz's helmet"
The McCorked Award celebrates early morning infomercials, and the psychos who are awake early or late enough to cap them...
HippieLesko's Million Gimp March was a frightful disappointment, a setback for nerds everywhere.
vendo"I worked only 6 hours a week using Don Lapre's method and made $12,000..."
Balderdash"...and it adjusts easily so you get the most out of- *KLANK* *CRASH* *BAM* -OUCH! My thumb! My thumb! Oh, I hope they can sew this back on!"
EnoheadBilly Blanks IS The Prince of Egypt: "Let my people Tai-GO!"
Gnasche"...instead of A-1."
MirandaRamsey"Dive in!"
vendo"I have returned a Cabin MAN!"
YibbleGuy"I'm DELICIOUS in drawn butter!"
The Best Musical category salutes captions dealing with songs, both real, made up, and somewhere in between. Fortunately, the winning capper is not on tap to perform during the show. Fortunately, that is, if they sing anything like I do...
NightTrainThe Songwriting Process with James Brown: "Ow! I feel well.... Nah."
JediCloneo/'Who can take your entrails/tear them inside out?/Rip a hole in his face and laugh as the bugs crawl out?/ The Caaaaandymaaaaan/The Candyman can...
TravisBickle*sings* I'm gonna wash that heroin right outta my hair... *sniff snort gobble slurp* Aaaaaahhh....
Hippie"She was a sex machine, she kept her motor clean, she was the best damn woman that I--" *"When I asked you to play, I meant something a little down-tempo."
Threads pop up from time to time, go for too long, and then just sort of peter out, only to come up again and again. Some of them are quite funny. When you see one to the right, just remember that there are several dozen more where that came from...
Xena Sez What?:Things Xena doesn't say to often #23: "Gabrielle, stop playing in that bush!"
Mad Margot:Helen Slater flies away screaming as Margot Kidder leaps out yelling "I'm wearing Kryptonite panties. Fear me!"
Sci-Fi Me:I want to see endless reruns of second-rate USA Network movies. I want to see Jerry O'Connel's shit-eating grin. I want rid of witty satire. Sci-fi me.
Little Miss Ample:"Don't worry! Amplewoman is here to save you! Up up and...would somebody help me out of the sofa...."
And finally, Best Whafuh. Whafuh is a whafuh? Well, it's just one of those things that makes you go "whafuh?" like Bush 2000 and the Telletubbies. You know what I mean...
NightTrain"Hello. My name is Fred. Sometimes I roll naked in honey and sawdust and crawl into a cage full of woodpeckers. And you?"
Mr13Out of all the heads on the pikes,hers was the perkiest. I looked at my bracelet and thought "What would satan do" so I threw a potato
keoghIt was true, Herman found out: you really do live for several moments after having your head chopped off and dropped out a bomb hatch over France
E_B_A"Did I ever tell you about the time I sang on stage with the Backstreet Boys? Well my cousin Erma, remember her, the one with the extra arm? Well she died..."
Well, I'd like to thank all of you who waited for this to load, and in this, the season of award shows, I hope that you've all enjoyed looking in on one that you've never even heard of and don't care about in the slightest. In the case that you have or do, get out there and vote! Make Jack Palance proud....
Touch the Toast