for
1/22/2000
Hello, everyone, and welcome to the first annual Space Toast Page Oscar Preview Special. I'm your host, director Paul Anderson.
Now, many of you may not be familiar with my work as a filmmaker. Sadly, this is the nature of the director's post--forever hiding behind the camera, working one's fingers to the bone so that you may be entertained as you sit in a darkened cinema, sipping your 200 shilling small diet coke and wishing you'd brought an extra five pound note for popcorn.
But no matter. You're all familiar with Magnolia, aren't you? The Paul Anderson film now in theatres across the United States?
Well I didn't make that one. You see, there are two semi-big-name directors working today named Paul Anderson. Paul Thomas Anderson directed Magnolia, as well as Boogie Nights, under the name "PT Anderson." I directed Event Horizon, the first Mortal Kombat movie, and the highly competent Soldier (with Kurt Russel).
Ahh. None of you saw Soldier, I see. Well it was good. Much better than that Roland Emmerich P.O.S. Godzilla that snowed us under at the box office in '98. That was two hours of your life you'll never get back, wasn't it?
I do apologize for Event Horizon, though. The locations were cool, you have to admit, but, I dunno... I guess I shouldn't have been expecting Sam Neil to carry a scene.
One thing I'm not apologizing for is Mortal Kombat. You all had a blast and you know it. That was my first feature film, too. I'd like to see what Paul Thomas would have done if he'd received a thankless video-game-to-movie job when he needed to pay the rent. Probably come up with another Super Mario Brothers movie, that's what.
But I digress. You're all here to hear about this February's Oscar nominee favorites, and the movies most likely to win best of category. First... who the hell are you?
I'm director Paul Thomas Anderson. You been bad-mouthing me, Plotless Anderson?
Plotless Anderson?! Why you--I turned a video game franchise trash-flick into a sleeper hit, you bloody burke. They show my movie, Mortal Kombat, on T.B.S. all the time. What about you?
Hey, I get premium channel airplay! And not midnight to 2 AM, right before Confessions of a Horny Cab Driver in Dallas, either.
I'm also boinking Fiona Apple.
Well I can only offer my condolances about that.
You wanna take this outside?!
I'll wipe the floor with you, you piece of Yankee crap! I made the best space-western since Star Wars. Hell, I got a good performance out of Kurt Russel, albeit one without many lines. Did you see Soldier?
No. Did anyone?
Grr... Bloody bastard.... You probably saw Godzilla instead then, didn't you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Boy, that was two hours of your life you'll never get back, wasn't it? A randomly shrinking and inflating lizard, characters you hoped would get stepped on, Godzilla dying in the end--and it wasn't even a volcano that did him in either; it was just a bunch of crappy helicopters. What was the name of that director again? Roland...?
Emmerich. Roland Emmerich.
Did somebody say my name?
Hey, it's director Roland Emmerich. You did that sucky Godzilla movie, didn't you? It was painful. Like having a year of your life extracted by that machine on The Princess Bride. Do you apologize for making it?
Apologize? No. It was bad though, wasn't it? Whew! I really slept through that one. Still, I made $3 million after merchandizing while you two "quality" movie guys were still saving up for a second package of socks.
That's it! You're going down, Emmerich!!!
He's gonna feel that when he wakes up. Well, Paul, I hope we can be on friendlier terms from now on.
Indubitably, my fine colleague. Most indubitably.
Well, I'll let you get on with your Oscar Special, Paul. Remember to see Magnolia, everybody; in theaters now!
Thank's Paul. I'd go on, but it looks like we're out of time. Remember, folks: Soldier. Rent it tonight and go home happy-!
Writer's Note: I really don't know what came over me this week. I'm done, though, so now I can go see Magnolia.
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