What Would Morona Do?

Dear Morona,

What is the best way to disguise a colostomy bag?  I hate when people can see the bulge in slacks and know that I have no bowels.

Desperate in Diarrhea

Dear Morona,

How can I remove a red wine stain from my prosthetic leg?  It is very unsightly and embarrasses me in public.

Ever so grateful,

Gimpy

Dear Morona,

I am new to the internet and trying to make friends.  It seems that I got off on the wrong foot with a group of people and they don’t seem to like me much.  What can I do to make them like me?

Signed,

Lonely Louella

Dear Desperate,

I have always found that being proud of your shit bag is much better than hiding it.  Try making a festive and colorful “Cozy” for it and make it a fashion statement.  I like to wear mine as a hat.  It is trimmed with faux fur and feathers I plucked from a boa worn by Nick Rhodes in the early 80’s.  Believe you me, it always gets the looks.

Try it, you’ll see.

Dear Gimpy,

First, make a paste out of baking soda and water.  Rub it over the stain, covering generously.  Then take the leg and beat your stepchildren around the head and shoulders vigorously, while calling them foul names.  Prick is especially effective on red wine.

Repeat if necessary until stain is gone.

Dear Lonely,

First, make up a new screen name.  Then use that name to post that your first screen name was killed in a horrible accident.  Try to make them feel sorry for your first screen name and regret that they were mean.  If this doesn’t work, blame any offensive posts you’ve made on your stepchildren.  Be sure to use nasty names to describe them.  If this doesn’t work, then you can always deny all responsibility and blame it on your evil twin or your clone.  Trust me, I’ve used these methods and they DO work.

Now, when you’ve made amends with these people, the best tactic to take online is to lie about everything.  There are evil people online and you must protect yourself by making up stories to make people feel sorry for you.  Then, if they won’t let you into their group, insult them.  Insult them, their children, wish them dead.  Heck, even threaten to kill a couple.  I guarantee they will never ignore you again and you’ll be the belle of the ball!

Have fun!