Resistance is NOT Futile

I come before you to speak of a great threat to our well-being. Our individuality, our sanity and our souls can all be wiped out by this great force of evil. The Zoid Collective has caused many problems for me in the past. All of my friends have been devastated by this sadistic hive. Most couldn't face the terror and were driven off, like me. Some became allies of the Zoid. But for a very few, they didn't have the luxury of being driven away. They continued to fight and were eventually assimilated. 

My friend, Duranie Mommy, was one of these people. She was initially driven off, but came back with a new identity…Lava Lamp Lady. This marked the end of the individual I knew. She fell victim to their assimilation.

Not so long ago, a voice from my past brought hope for the future. Nicky Bates, my old friend, set on a quest to free Duranie Mommy from the Zoid. Her plan was to do very pointless things that nobody cared about. I was hesitant with the plan at first, but realized that she is smarter than me. She's much more attractive too. Which isn't saying much. I'm quite hideous. But I digress…

We transported to the Zoid Homeworld with fake screen names. They wouldn't be able to tell who we were if hid our identity. Just as we hoped, they completely ignored us. Just like they did before we spoke out against them. Just like all the kids in school did. Kids are evil too. When I was a kid everyone picked on me because I never bothered to learn about soap or shampoo. Boy would they feel dumb if they could see how great I turned out!

Anyway, we were walking near the garbage disposal when we smelled the faint scent of chicken broth. We knew that the Zoid didn't eat, that they just lived on drugs, alcohol and the torture of others. Why would there be chicken here? The smell led us to a toaster which looked like it had been partially assimilated and then tossed off to the side. I toss off to the sides sometimes, but that story would better at another time. I grabbed my ability to state the obvious from my backpack and was able to determine that the toaster had a coating of dried urine on it. I didn't even get a chance to tell Nicky my findings when suddenly the urine began to glow with a pinkish color. It took shape and formed something similar to a human. Actually it was all human except for the head. Nicky looked with great pleasure because she knew who it was. I wish someone would look at me that way. Most people just gag and walk the other way. Why do I have to be so ugly? Why can't I keep a girlfriend? I bet even this creature of urine wouldn't want to touch me. Speaking of the urine creature, the only thing it could say was "Nicky". It didn't actually look at Nicky while saying it though. It was like its mind was somewhere else. I scanned the beast and it registered as a Babulan. So off we went on our way to find Duranie Mommy.

We were completely lost within a few minutes, as usual. Luck was with us that day, though. We saw Lava Lamp Lady walking towards the Zoid Queen's alcove. We used our portable anon-buttons to cloak and followed her into the alcove undetected. There were no others in the room. We figured the Queen had gone to another message board to do bad things. The Queen is a bitchy fagot from Chicago. Chicago is really close to where I live. One time I saw him/her/it at a Duran Show. The pussy ran away when he saw me….. just like the bully he is.

Suddenly the door to the alcove slid shut and the sound of a high-pitched giggle filled the air. I knew immediately that it had been a setup. They knew we were here the whole time. I still don't know how they figured it out. Our anon disguises were flawless. Regardless, we had to save Duranie Mommy.

I shot my redundant-flame shooter at the Queen as she ascended from a panel in the ground. The flames had no effect and she continued to giggle. Nicky ran up behind Lava Lamp Lady and disconnected her modem while the Babulan started screaming and carrying on about a mascara brush. I think I liked it better when she just kept saying "Nicky". The evil Zoid Queen just stood there as I made a complete ass of myself. I hurled flames left and right but it was no good. The other Zoid had arrived by now. We grabbed Lava Lamp Lady and started to retreat when she suddenly stopped. Lava Lamp Lady then proceeded to call us losers. Nicky tried to assure her that everything would be ok once she was free of the Zoid mind. Without a second thought, Lava grabbed a nearby seebass and slapped us each in the head. At that moment, we knew it was hopeless and we went home to wallow in defeat…..

This isn't the end. This is only the beginning. We will fight The Zoid Collective until they are stopped. Then I will be cool! I just know it! Resistance is NOT futile!

Love and hugs, Milk