Nick’s Flicks!  

Nick:  …..Oh hush, I bet you say that to all the girls!!!   What?  Oh stoooopppp it you big silly!!  ::Nick puts his hand over his mouth and crosses his legs::  Now Lizzie poo,  you know good and well  :::puts hands at 45 degrees::: I do not like dressing up like Lizard Queen….I could put my waist through her neckline for goodness sakes! ..not to mention I can’t STAND to cross my eyes for such a long period of time!!   Oh my, you wanna what??  Oh goodness golly Lizzie poo,  my little gordito,  I had no idea you were so kinky!! ::smacks gum and giggles:::

::::Nick sticks his Malibu Ken Doll between his legs and rubs his nipples:::

Nick:  Ooooh Lizard King, you are such a bad, bad boy!!!!  :::presses the doll’s head to his crotch harder::: Now nibble mama’s peach and get it all nice and wet……….

:::RING RING!!  RING RING!!:::

Nick: Oh good heavens to mergatroid!!  That had better not be you Warren!!   :::Nick puts the Ken Doll back into the pink corvette:::  Now you stay right here Mr.Lizard King-a-lingy-dingy-poo….  Madame Rhodes will be right back!!

:::Nick drapes his sachet across his neck and swishes over and picks up the phone ala Bea Arthur style:::

Nick: This had better be good, Mary!!

Voice:  Hi Nith?  Nith how are you thoing??

Nick:  :::holds phone away and purses lips:::  Um, excuse me???

Voice: Nith it’s me Martian..I was justh calling to…

Nick:  :::puts hand on hip:::  Martian?  Don’t you have some sandwiches to make or something?   And for the last time, NO!, you cannot borrow my ‘Clairol Tips For Dummies’ book because you never returned my ‘Pantyhose Craftbook: Make The Most Of Your Hose’ book that you borrowed last month!!  :::slams phone down::::

::::wipes slobber off of his chin:::  That girl really needs to cover her mouth……GaROSSSSSS!!!

Nick:  :::sniff sniff:::  I smell beans!  ::looks around to see Ken Doll on the ground::: OH silly me-oh-my,  it’s you Mr. Lizard Stud!! :::skips over to the corvette:::

:::RING! RING!!!!   RING RING RING!!!:::

Nick:  :::stomps foot on the ground:::  Well Dookie poo!!!! :::stomps all the way back to the phone and jerks it up::: Listen here Sprinkler Mouth, I said no!!!!

Voice:  Mr. Rhodes?

Nick:  MISS, it’s MISS Rhodes!!! And who the fuck is this?!  :::flips frosted bangs:::

Voice:  This is the receptionist. Your guests for Nick’s Flicks are on their way up Ms. Rhodes!

Nick:  Oh HOLY GAY HELL!  I totally forgot about this Smack Hits reunion thing!  :::Nick squeals very loudly and stomps his feet:::  And just when I was finally about to lose my virginity to Lizard King TOO!!!

::::Nick storms around the room in his diamond studded jelly shoes, denim bellbottoms with ‘Girl Power’ stitched on them, an N’Sync T-shirt and 2 plastic clips to hold his blonde bangs back.  He kisses the Ken Doll on the head and throws him into a shoebox labeled “Martian’s Panties” (No one would dare look there).  He hides the shoebox and straightens everything up in a hurry::::

:::DING DONG!! DING DONG!!!:::

Nick:  Oh my goodness I just heard a ding dong!  ::fans himself::: Oh my stars I just made myself have a hot flash… ::snorts and smacks his gum::

::::As he skirts on over to the door, he stops dead in his tracks as he hears a familiar voice coming from the other side::::

Voice:   Jes, so I haz no idee how hees gunna reack to dis, jew no?  I mean for Gots Sakes I sed I wuz det and bureed!!?!?!?!  Jew no?  Dat beech better not slap me …hellz, I will fricasee his homo ass, Ho Kay???!!  Any self repectin Brush wood take an offah to bee on Survivor, I meanz come on Ho kay?!?!

:::A loud thump hits the door:::

Mr. Brush:   Wut waz dat?

::::suddenly a high pitched squeal accompanied by a another loud thud against the door::::

Mr. Brush:  Oh lort, sheez havin a hissy!!!  Ize getting the hellz outta here, honky!!!

Richard Hatch:  Listen here missy, I am getting paid HOT STUFF to do this silly movie thingy, so you ain’t going anywhere.  I’ll take care of HER!!  Remember I survived that whole Island, I think I can handle her….

Mr. Brush:  Nuh Uh, jew don no what dis bitch can doo!!

:::suddenly the door bursts wide open to reveal Nick with a look that could rival Cruella DeVille on slim fast::::

Nick:  Mr. MAGIC BRUSH????????  WHAT IN HOLY HOMO ?????  IS THAT REALLY YOU???  :::Nick presses the back of his hand to his forehead and passes out on the ground:::

Mr. Brush:  Grab herz purse and lez go!!!

Richard:  No I will just slap him in the face til he wakes up! 

Mr. Brush:  Don jew do enuff of dat to jour kid, Rishard????

::Nick let’s out a loud queef and starts to roll back and forth.  He grabs his ass and mumbles “no Warren these are brand new panties”:::

Richard:  Mr. Rhodes, are you ok?  This is Richard,  Richard Hatch from the TV show Survivor……..Nick?  NICK?  …:::Richard puts Nick’s face against his chest and drags him head first up off the ground.  He pulls him over to a chair and sets him in it.  His shirt is covered in beige, blue, and red makeup stains:::

Nick:  :::rubs his head:::  OMG did I mess up my hair??? 

Mr. Brush:  Neeekkkkk……Neekkkk are jew ho kay???

Nick:  :::Nick rubs his eyes:::  Oh dear sweet pink Jesus……I have done died and gone to hell!!  :::starts to sob uncontrollably:::  Oh my stars,  this is it,  I have really died………..now I will never get to crunch Lizard King’s taco……..  Mr. Brush, is it true?  Have I died or am I just dreaming….??

Mr. Brush:  :::suddenly drops the accent:::  Oh homo please!!!!  You have enough Aqua-Net in that weave of yours to protect your head from a speeding bullet!   You haven’t died…..it’s me, Mr. Magic Brush and I am alive! Now sit your ass up, bulletproof blonde, and come give me a hug!!!!!!  Get goody girls cuz here I come!!!!!!

Nick:  Mr. BRUSH!!!!!!! IT IS YOU!!!!!!  :::squeals:::  I have missed you sooooooooooo much!!!!!  Where have you been????????  I have been so lonely without you, my little pussy comber!!!!  How…how are you alive??  We watched you get flushed down the toilet last year???!!

Richard:  Hi Nick, I am ..

Nick:  I know who you are heffer, you are here to be my co-host, now sit down…

Richard:  I’ll show you heffer, missy!!!

Nick:  Um, no thanks, I work with Katy…Mkay? :::Nick sticks his hands up in the air like the Karate Kid and starts making sounds that resembled a dying bird:::: Come on bitch….come on!!!!!!

Mr. Brush:  Ladies! Ladies please!!   This is supposed to be a happy reunion, not a catfight!

Nick, I am sooooooo so so sorry I lied to you.  Last January, my agent called to tell me that I had an audition for a new TV show called Survivor…but I was in a contract with Smack Hits.  So the only way I could get out of the contract was to fake my death and to give myself a new identity and life.  So I faked my death, moved to LA and got the part for Survivor.  I changed my name to Britney Martin and started all over.  But I have been feeling so guilty, and I miss you so much that I just had to come clean with you.  So when Richard got the call requesting he be your guest on Nick’s Flick’s, I just had to come see you.

:::Nick is sobbing uncontrollably once again.  His eyes resemble that of a raccoon, and his lips are together trembling:::

Richard:  Ok now that this little episode of Touched By a Mascara Brush is over, can we get on with this Movie review so I can go???  ::crosses legs::::

Nick:  Listen up you big bully :::still sobbing:::  You think you can just come in here and push me around do you?  Well ..well……….well maybe you can, and maybe it would just give me an erection and maybe I just might stick my finger in your ass….but this is still MY SHOW!  And what I say goes…

::::straightens up and takes a deep breath:::

Nick:  Oh my goodness golly dear Smack Hits readers!!! Welcome, welcome to the biggest, meanest and longest Smack Hits ever……oh my goodness, did I just I just say biggest and longest???  You are NEVER gonna believe who is here with me……!!  Mr. Brush has come back from the dead, just for you special kittens out there!!!!

Mr. Brush:  meow

Nick:  :::lays on stomach, kicks legs up and crosses them and purrs:::  I know it’s been a long time since we last met, but we are back and bigger than ever!!!

Richard:  Um, hello….like, aren’t you going to introduce the star??

Nick:  I just did you kid-beating fag…. :::sucks in lips:::    …….And we also have that fat guy that got skinny while eating rats and masturbating on Sea Turtle eggs….From last years Survivor Richard Hatch…

Richard:  I just want to let everyone know that I have a new book and..

Nick:  Yes, and I have a ripped rectum…….who cares?!!!  Now on with our first interview!!! :::smacks gum:::

Mr. Brush:  :::Changes back to accent:::  hour furst moviee today stars dat phoine, hot, lickable Tom hankses…and is called Castaway…

Richard:  This movie was just a rip-off of my show, and I hope someone sues his scrawny little bitch ass….

Nick:  Why would he sue me silly??? ::giggles:: Now hush up… MMM Hmmm Mr. Brush….I totally agree…  2 hours of watching that hot, hunky, tan, sweaty, muscular man walk around in nothing but a Fed Ex sack?!  I would book a flight right now if I could crash on that island with such a stud like that!!!!

Mr. Brush:  :::::::whacking sounds::::

Nick:  ::::gurgle:::::

Mr. Brush:  :::::squish:::::::

Nick:  Watch the hair bitch!!!

Mr. Brush:  ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……………

Nick:  ::::::queef::::::

Mr. Brush:  Oh Neeek …..I missed jew so much!!  I will never leaves jew agains!!!!!! Can jew ever forgives mee???

Nick:  ::::wipes a tear from his eye:::: Oh Mr. Brush…….yes, yes I forgive you!! I am so glad you are back!!!

Richard:  Alright goddamn it, I have had enough……… Now I was asked to come to Smack Hits because I am the star.  Not some half-dead, fermenting, frosted-hair tinkerbelle!!!!!!

Nick:  :::stands up and straightens his blouse:::: WHAT?? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY??? My hair is highlighted! NOT FROSTED!!!!!  ::::Nick turns a cartwheel leading into a back flip, then handsprings across the room until he lands in front of Richard.  His legs wrap around Richard’s head and then he lifts one foot and starts smacking him in the face with his jellie shoes:::: I am the star!!!!!!!  NOT YOU!!!  It’s me, me, me, me!!!!!! 

:::Richard grabs Nick’s nipple and starts twisting really hard until Nick finally falls off::::

Nick:  My titty!! Oh my goodness my titty!  Let go of my titty you brute!!!!

Mr. Brush:  Alright you whiney twats!!!!!!  I have had enough of you both!! You want to prove who is the biggest and best star….

Nick:  OMG you just said biggest!!

Mr. Brush:  ::::smacks Nick in the teeth::::  Shut up Nick!!  Now I am gonna settle this once and for all.  Since you both think you are big, bad homos…. I will give you a way to prove it!!!   Tomorrow you will both be shipped off to a terrible, smelly and desolate place…. a place where wild beasts roam, and the chances for survival are slim….  You will be shipped off to Martian’s house in Ohio, and there you will be without outside contact!!!  You will be given a tribal name, and you will be put up against terrible gay hazards…like not having a hairbrush and…

::::Nick squeals::::

…and not having any alcohol and….

:::both Nick and Richard gasp:::

…….even worse……. not being able to wear designer clothes!!!

Nick:  TORTURE!!!!  ::falls down and cries::::   Can Warren come?

:::Brush smacks Nick in the teeth again:::  

Mr. Brush:  I wasn’t finished!  And absolutely no short, old, bald Italian men with big weenies!!!!!!!

::Nick cries::

Richard:  Well Mr. Brush, I take the challenge…..  If this little wuss agrees, we shall leave tomorrow…..!!!

::::they both look at Nick::::

Mr. Brush:  Nick???

Nick:  :::Sobbing::::  Can I at least take my mother-of-pearl inlayed dildo named Veronica?

Mr. Brush:  :::whispers::: Oh my goodness!!  You have a mother-of-pearl inlayed dildo?  I have always wanted one of those…..

Nick:  Yes, they were on sale for such a fabulous price that I…

Richard:  Enough of this!!  Will you or won’t you accept this challenge…this challenge we shall call GAY SURVIVOR?!?!!

::::Nick sucks in his cheeks, stares Richard down hard and puts his hands on his hips::::

Nick:  For the sake of all decent, red-blooded, honest, cocksuckers around the world…….YES!! Yes I take your challenge.  You will see who the REAL star is, missy!!!!  Just you wait and see………..just you WAIT AND SEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Brush:  Nick, you will be on the Felcherbum tribe.   Richard, you will be on the Pedophilastonica tribe.

One month.  2 fags.  No cologne. No malls. Trapped in a whore’s home.  

Survivor: Code Homo…soon!!!