March 13^th 2000 8:03 PM

Dear Diary- Never EVER EVER eat broccoli casserole when you plan on having anal sex that same night.  Big MESS.  Let’s just move on.  (Andre’ just kicked me out of his condo moments ago, screaming “Gucci sheets are not cheap, missy!!” as I ran out into the cold New York rain).  Love is so empty…it leaves such a big gaping hole.  No pun intended.  ::Sigh:: Diary, I miss Nick in a weird way.  He would have never screamed at me for spoiling his sheets.  He would have just washed them and made some kind of new scarf out of them or something. 

So I got the call I have been waiting for.  I am the new makeup artist for some fat man on a new TV show called Survivor!  It’s a show that is set on some island out in the middle of nowhere.  I am SO Brooke Shields now. 

I guess it’s a good thing that I spewed acid showers on Andre’.  At least I don’t have to write a break-up letter now.  OMG Buffy is on! I will be back later.  GET GOODY GIRLS!

March 13^th 2000 10:16 PM

Dear Diary- Andre’ just called from the emergency room. He called me the “NYC Killer Colon” and says he will get me back. Thank God I leave tomorrow afternoon for the Island.  I must go to Wal-Greens tomorrow and buy some Preparation H and some Sunblock.   I wonder if Preparation H has Sunblock in it?  God I wish I could call Nick…. He would know the answer!  I feel bad for having to lie to him and everyone else about dying.  But he would have been jealous and would have laft at me.  Just because he is an alcoholic bitch with a need for dildonic attention, he would have shot down my dreams. When he auditioned for the Broadway musical production of FAME, I didn’t laff.  But hello?! Earth to Nick.  No one wants to see a drunken Shirley MacClaine in tights for 2 hours.    You know, I am not gonna regret this.  Mr. Magic Brush is dead.  It’s time for a wonderful new beginning!!! This will be the best days of my life!!!

March 24^th, 2000 6:30 AM

Dear Diary-  It’s 6 fucking AM and it’s already AFRICA HOT here on Borneo!   I am sweating like a whore in an abortion clinic!  What the fuck am I doing here? Oh GOD the horror of being on this hell-hot island with naked women’s twats in this blistering sun.  This morning I woke up being humped by an ANT! AN ANT!!  I felt this tiny poke in my backside and for a moment I thought I was still in Nick’s bed.  I woke up with my usual morning ‘plastic’, and had to take a serious wee wee!!!  I threw on my turban and ran around for 10 minutes before I realized there are no toilets here!!  Oh holy gay hell no.  I cannot dinkle or wee wee in front of all these people.  Richard (the guy I have to work on) told me to go in the ocean and do it.  I just stood there and blinked my eyes.  WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN TO ME IN SALT WATER?  I yelled.  He put his hand on his hip and said “well just shit yourself then bitch” and walked off.  That fag should talk.  Last night I kept hearing this horrible windy noise, I just knew there was a hurricane a comin’.  Turns out Richard was sleeping in the buff and his ass was pointed up in the breeze. 

Just moments ago I thought I was hallucinating.  I thought I saw Nick running naked down the beach with a spear in his hand shouting “God is Love”.  But come to find out it’s this guy named Rudy who is a contestant on the show.  Time for production.  Bye.  TOOTLES.

April 19^th, 2000 11:32 PM

Dear Diary- Richard just touched me in a place that made me feel uncomfortable……….

So I got out the fingernail clippers and now it feels much better.

April 25^th, 2000 3:35 PM

Dear Diary-  I have been hanging out with the Tagi tribe lately and my dedication has been leaning towards them.  Last night I snuck my advance copy of ‘Pop Trash’ into the sound system near the Pagong tribe’s hut, and this morning they all woke up vomiting.  I found out that Richard likes to be rimmed last night too by mistake,   He kept moaning and calling out my name…”lick it Angie, lick it good!”  (he calls me Angie) I took the cucumbers off of my eyes to see that an iguana had snuck up on his ass and was licking it clean.  I rolled my eyes and went back to sleep.  Joan Crawford would never lick a grown man’s ass, and neither shall I.

June 10^th, 2000   5:30 PM

Dear Diary- I am a little depressed right now.  The show is almost over which means I have to go back to being dead.  Richard has lost all this weight and now he prefers fucking coconuts to having sex with me.  It was this day 5 years ago that Marcia spread ketchup all over Warren’s bed to make him think she was a virgin.  ::Sigh::  I am starting to miss my Duran family.  Yes, I know. They were always drunk, high, broke, ragged, boring, contrived, talentless…..  But I miss them.  I wonder what will become of me and Richard,  It looks as if he will be kicked off the show soon and all that is left is tuna.  I will be 1000s of miles away from home with nothing but a gaggle of aging pussy in 110 degree heat.  ::Sigh::

June 25^th, 2000

RICHARD WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OMG OMG OMG OMG !! HE WON!!!   We are heading back to the states tomorrow and Richard has promised me I can live with him and we might get married if I will learn to “eat a little ass”.  I am so happy now and will have a million things to do, so I am not gonna be writing to you for awhile…. I will catch back up soon!!!!!!!

January 22, 2001

Dear Diary- I got a call this morning from The Giz (who must have had a sex change or something because he sounds like a dead fish.  Oh hell, maybe it was Rubbergirl?)

They want me and Richard to come be the surprise guests for Nick’s Flicks.  I am kinda excited and kinda scared. He thinks I am dead.  How will he react?  How will the public react?  What will I wear?  Does Nick trim his bush now?  Did Warren finally come out of the closet?  Oh holy hell……only time will tell.  Get Goody Smack Hits…cuz here I COME