12 steps to the Process

-Patty Pastafazool

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. At some of these steps we balked. Thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. Remember that we deal with Duran Duran, baffling, wrinkled, has-beens! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power that One is John Taylor. He knew when it was time to leave. May you find Him now! Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon. Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:

1. We admitted we were powerless over Duran Duran, that our lives had become unmanageable and our pocketbooks had become empty.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. That power (station) is John Taylor.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of John Taylor, as we understood Him on "Being John Taylor".

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our Duran Duran collection, and found that we could make a lot of money if we sold it on eBay.

5. Admitted to John Taylor, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have John Taylor remove all these defects of character by hearing him sing "Hold Back the Rain", with PASSION. Not just mouthing the words like some bloated fat horny old men we know.

7. Humbly asked JT to remove our shortcomings, and then to remove our shorts.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. This includes Duranies that we backstabbed, or swindled, or betrayed, or stepped on the toes of at concerts. Made a list of members or almost-members of Duran Duran that we fucked, and informed them to get VD testing done immediately.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Made a web page saying that you are now over Duran Duran, and everyone that still likes them is an utter moron.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it, publicly on a message board on the Internet.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with JT as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Trust the Process.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to Duranies, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Epilogue

If you truly feel that you are ready to make this step, there are some other important things you should keep in mind. First of all, DO NOT ATTEND ANY MORE DURAN DURAN SHOWS. It's the same show over and over; you've seen it 20 times and why see it again? They are never going to like playing live because they get bored. And I was so fucking bored the last time I saw them; even the giant doobie that I smoked didn't help.
If you find yourself having the urge to fly around the country seeing Duran shows, or if you have the urge to buy their insipid music, please keep the following in mind:

a. Simon LeBon is a complete bastard who would suck his own father's dick if it meant that Simon would look 10 years younger.

b. Nick Rhodes is a wrinkled, grouchy, alcoholic Queen who is looking more like Quentin Crisp every day.

c. Warren Cucurrulo is a short, bald, squatty man who is wider than he is tall. He also looks like Zippy the Pinhead. So what if he has a huge cock?

d. The last hit Duran Duran had was in 1993. Their last album sold 11,000 units the second week of it's release.

e. Duran Duran IS PLAYING A MOTHERFUCKING RODEO. Count down the days to that show; that is the number of days Nick Rhodes has to live. "Kill the faggot!"

f. You do not look good in Zebra patterns.

With these things in mind, you will realize your life is much more complete and fulfilled without Duran Duran. Go back to school; improve yourself. It's amazing what you can do once you get your nose removed from their ass cracks.