Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder,
or,
Strange Behavior by Normal People
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, or OCD, is a very frustrating mental disorder which causes people to involuntarily dwell on things mental and/or on things physical. My description of OCD as "a very frustrating mental disorder" should not suggest to you that other mental disorders are not frustrating, but since this is the one that I have had to face in my own life, it is the disorder I will be discussing.
When people have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, the "obsessive" part means that thoughts which would probably cause anyone some worry or concern but which normally go away fairly quickly just won't stop bothering the person with OCD. One example of this is a person who can't stop worrying that he or she might kill a loved one. The "compulsive" part deals with the physical objects or acts that become a, or even the, focal point of an OCD sufferer with compulsions. One well-known compulsion is hand-washing, where a person can't seem to stop washing his or her hands for long periods of time. OCD sufferers, particularly those who are aware they are suffering from something, know that whatever obsession(s) and/or compulsion(s) are things they should not worry about the way that they do, but some part of their mind causes them to dwell on these things nonetheless. I have had to deal with both obsessions and compulsions at different points in my life, or what at least seem to be one or the other in retrospect.
The earliest possible sign of my own Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder occured when I was still very young. I was in elementary school and living in the first house I can remember, though there was at least one other house and an apartment or two I lived in before then. Anyway, in addition to various habits I periodically moved into and out of, there was a time when I'd go over to a friend's house and tell my parents where I was going when I was at the back door (the house was at an intersection). I'd keep asking "Okay?" several times to make sure they knew where I would be before I finally felt comfterble leaving. My parents claim not to remember this little episode in my life, but I do. I'm not really sure if this would fall under "obsessions," "compulsions," or both.
It was an obsession that gave me extreme unhappiness for quite a long time and played a significant part in my Christian life before I deconverted. I was a Christian fundamentalist, and kept having doubts about whether I was really "saved." Knowing one is really "saved" seems to me to have been a recurring theme in my former church, at least in my teenage / young adult years, and although I can't say for certain that that caused my particular obsession or at least contributed to it, I could never quite see what my former church held as requirements for salvation in my own life for very long. I always worried that I didn't "pray right" (the prayer being the one where I accepted Jesus as Savior), that I didn't really repent of my sins, or whatever. I never got baptised after the second time I publicly professed my faith in my former church because of this. That really bothered me, too, as well as where exactly baptism fit into salvation and the Christian life.
It was compulsions that finally got me to realize there was something wrong with me and to see a psychologist. This started early in my college career and caused me to be suspended for a year (1998) because of my grades. I started college on September 25, 1995, though I don't remember exactly with this particularly severe bout with OCD started. I'm also not sure whether to call this multiple compulsions or one compulsion, because while the compulsions were primarily repetitions, the things I had to repeat varied. Mostly I either felt that I didn't take a step "just right" or that I didn't read something "just right." I also kept putting things off and had trouble adjusting to the changes from grade school life to college life. I started sleeping later into the day, which affected my arrival time at school, since I was now driving myself, and the University of South Alabama is farther from where I was living at the time than my grade schools were. My parents had also suddenly stopped taking me to church on Sunday morning, allowing and/or expecting me to take myself, so this affected my Christian life as well. This was a very hard time, as it had both emotional and practial effects on me and my life, and I had little or no understanding of what was going on, and little willpower to find out.
In 1998, when I was suspended, this severe bout with OCD seemed to die down. I was fairly happy, or at least content, for a person who had to miss out of a year of college. Then, in or near the middle of the year as I was reading JRR Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, my OCD started surfacing again as I was reading books. It actually started while I was reading Watership Down by Richard Adams, but I was able to get past the problem it gave me there with little trouble. The Lord of the Rings was another matter, however, and I finally decided that seeing a psychologist was the thing to do. I had seen a psychologist once already after starting college, but at that time I was far from understanding, much less adequately describing just what was going on that was giving me problems. Even if I did, I wasn't exactly eager to take up perscription medication. However, this second time around I had a better grasp of what was wrong, and I think the term "Obessive-Compulsive Disorder" had actually entered my mind, though I can't seem to remember how. I also went to this second psychologist at my own choice, while it was not my choice to see the first one. I was diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and started taking Zoloft on a regular basis. An awareness of what was going on greatly helped me. I'm pretty sure Zoloft has helped, too. At least, I have not had any severe bouts with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder since being diagnosed as such, and I'm not exactly willing to invite another return of the severe forms of the symptoms that gave me such trouble, especially now that I'm taking classes again (as of 1999).
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is not an easy thing to handle. My life was Hell during the worst of it, and I'm still recovering from the effects it had on my college career. If you read this and experience anything like what I described, you are not alone. I know the phrase "you are not alone" is a cliche, but I hope you realize that there are other people who understand exactly what's going on and don't think badly of you for it. I was not initially open to seeing a psychologist until I had something approaching a firm grasp of exactly why seeing one was useful, if not necessary. I was also not initially open to taking any kind of perscription medication, as I felt that I should handle any problems on my own without any drugs, medication, or whatever. I still like to think that medication should be an assistant rather than an emotional dependency or crutch, but I also realize that mental disorders are just as real as physical disorders, and that both kinds need treatment. If you think you might have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, you should see someone who can provide a professional opionion and diagnosis and try to get some kind of help for whatever's bothering you. It's not a bad thing to seek help to get a handle on seemingly insurmountable problems in your life.
Finally, I have tried once to start an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder e-mail discussion list at eGroups, which was either cancelled by eGroups or labelled inactive, because no one joined and therefore no messages were sent. However, I am willing to revive it if enough people want me to. Just let me know, and I will make note of how many people contact me about it.
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