THE TERRIBLY PLAIN PRINCESS
Written by Pamela Oldfield

Once upon a time there was a terribly plain Princess. I won't beat about the bush - she was terribly plain. All the visitors at the Royal Christening remarked upon it.

"How extraordinarily plain she is." Said her aunt as she handed over a solid silver spoon as a christening present.

"Quite exceptionally so." Said her cousin-once-removed as she put a solid gold napkin ring into the Princess' tiny hands.

I say tiny hands, but her hands were a great deal larger than those of most Royal Princesses. Her mouth was wider, too, and her nose was hopelessly snubbed. She also has twenty-three freckles over her nose and cheeks.

The King and Queen watched anxiously as the pile of presents grew higher and the comments on the princess' plainness grew franker. Finally the Lord High chamberlain presented the child with a portrait of himself wearing his full robes of office.

"We shall be hard put to find her a husband." He said gloomily shaking his head with the worry of it all. The poor queen could bear it no longer. She burst into tears and sobbed all over the King's best ermine cloak, which, did it no good.

The Princess, whose name was Sophia, lived on an island with her mother, Good queen Matilda, and her father, good King Ferdinand. The island was the Island of Toow and was one of a group of islands with original names like the Island of Wun and the Island of Thri. Further over the right was the Island of Faw but nobody talked about that one. It was uninhabited and a bit of an eyesore with trees and wild flowers all over the place and no street lighting. All the islands were surrounded by seas of an incredible blue and the golden sun shone all the time.

The terribly plain Princess thrived in this beautiful kingdom, but any hopes that she might grow out of her plainness faded with the passing of years. She didn't look like a Princess and she didn't behave like one. Sometimes her Royal cousins from Thri and Wun would come over to visit. They would play very genteel games like 'The farmer's in his Royal den.' and 'Here we go gathering Royal nuts in May.' but the Princess Sophia was bored by it all. She would slip away to find Bert, the gardener's boy. He was her one and only true best friend in all the world - so she told him.

Bert was also terribly plain. He had a snub nose, large hands a wide mouth and twenty-eight freckles. He worked very hard because the gardener was bone idle and spent most of his time sleeping in a wheelbarrow in the shade of the Royal pear tree.

Bert trimmed the hedges and weeded the paths and raked the leaves off the grass. When Bert wasn't working in the Royal gardens he was busy with his secret plan to grow a giant blue marigold. He confided this secret to no one but Princess Sophia - and the cook, and most of his relations (and he came form a very large family).

The Princess loved to help him, and together they mixed powders to sprinkle and solutions to spray. They grew a giant orange marigold and some small blue marigolds but never a giant blue one. It was very disappointing for Bert but he was a sunny sort of boy and refused to give up hope.

When the terribly plain Princess was fifteen, Good King Ferdinand sent for the Lord high Chamberlain.

"Look here," he said "what are you doing about finding a husband for the princess sophia?"

The Lord High Chamberlain bowed low.

"Everything is in hand, Your majesty." He said proudly "I think I may say, in all modesty, and without fear of contradiction, though I say it myself as shouldn't-"

"Get on with it, man," said the King. It was rather unkingly of him but his nerves were frayed by sleepless nights spent worrying about his daughter's future.

The Lord High Chamberlain tried again. "Bearing in mind the Princess Sophia's terrible plainness of face and largeness of hands. I have now discovered the ideal husband for your daughter."

The King sighed.

"I supposed her too, is terribly plain." He said.

"On the contrary, Your majesty. Prince Archibald is of royal and noble countenance."

The King began to feel much happier.

"And where does this Prince live?" he asked.

"On the Island of Ayte." Said the Lord High Chamberlain.

The King lowered his voice to a whisper.

"And what is it that makes the Prince and ideal husband for the Princess Sophia?" he asked.

The Lord High Chamberlain Lowered his voice also.

"Your Majesty." He said "the Prince Archibald is terribly shortsighted - in a Royal sort of way. I doubt he will notice that his bride is terribly plain.

Good King Ferdinand was delighted. He told Good Queen Matilda who was delighted and together they told the Princess Sophia who was horrified.

"But I don't want to marry him." She protested and she stamped her foot and looked plainer than ever.

"I want to marry Bert the gardener's boy and help him grow a giant blue marigold."

"But dearest child," said her mother. "The gardener;s boy is terribly plain and the Prince Archibald is of Royal and noble countenance."

"Royal and noble poppycock!" said the Princess.

"I want to marry Bert"

But her protestations were unheeded and the date was set for the wedding.

You may well be wondering what Bert had to say about all this. The fact is that he didn't say anything because he had designed a square parasol to shelter the marigolds from the sun's rays at midday and was trying to decide the best position for it.

On the Island of Ayte, Prince Archibald was not looking forward to his coming betrothal either, because he was a confirmed bookworm. His room in the palace had books where books should be and books where books shouldn't be. Scattered among the books were various pairs of spectacles to help him with his reading. (There were times when his parents worried about him.)

The day of the Royal wedding dawned bright and clear. The Royal party set sail from the Island of Ayte in the good ship Aytee, bound for the Island of Toow.

The Princess Sophia waited on the quayside with Good King Ferdinand and Good Queen Matilda and the Lord high Chamberlain and hundreds of lesser mortals. The terribly plain princess wore a beautiful gown of white and gold lace and a rather thick veil. As the Prince's ship drew alongside the quay a great cheer went up from the Princess' supporters and the Prince put down his book and went up on deck. It was a proud moment for the people of Toow when the Prince Archibald, of Royal and noble countenance, prepared to meet the terribly plain Princess Sophia.

But it was not to be. It so happened that the Prince Archibald had forgotten to take off his reading spectacles and put on his walking-about spectacles. Instead of stepping onto the ship's gangplank he missed it by a good few inches and stepped straight into the incredibly deep blue sea!

Now, although the people of Toow were nice, well-mannered people, it isn't every day that you see a Royal Prince plopping into the water like that. I have to admit, that they all fell about laughing. Some of them laughed so much that they fell into the water as well.

Poor Prince Archibald was very upset. As soon as he was fished out of the water he gave orders to sail back to ayte and turned to the next chapter in his book.

The terribly plain Princess was also upset. She ran away to find Bert and weep on his shoulder, but when she did find him he was at the top of a step-ladder, adjusting the square parasol over his precious marigold plants.

The Princess fell to her knees on the grass below him , and wept terribly plain tears all over the marigold

When Bert came down five minutes later to see what was going on he could hardly believe his eyes. The marigolds were beginning to grow! The plants grew taller and taller and produced giant buds which burst into bloom. Yes! You've guessed it. Bright blue marigolds!

That's almost the end of the story. Bert was awarded a medal - the Gardener's Silver Cross - and he was allowed to marry the Princess.

They went to live on the Island of Faw where they raised many new and wonderful plants with the help of Princess Sophia's terribly plain tears. (She could cry to order by thinking how nearly she had married Prince Archibald!)

Oh yes! They also raised a large family of happy, but terribly plain children!

 

[fairytales]