THE BIRTH
OF JOHN PEEL
Written by Beccy Bland
There was once this frog.
His sister was a princess who had everything in the world. including musical talent.
One day the princess
was sat in her front room talking to the voices inside her head .
She was polishing her crown and thinking of how much she would like a nice man in her life. As she was a princess and had everything.
Then she summoned her personal fairy - she was in distress as her original fairy had been taken back by her evil step father and hence she had been forced to buy a smaller model in the January sales ... The model which she had been callously forced into buying was a 'pay as you wish' fairy with 2 hours wish time per month .(of course she tried to divorce her parents over it, however the solicitor she had approached had said that forced purchase of pay as you wish fairy was not trivial enough for such a divorce!!) .
The fairy arrived fluttering her merry wings and also singing 'ba ba black sheep' , she perched herself on the bottle of prozac near to the princess . It was obvious she needed a new SIM card- her wings were dropping , her face pale and her once coherent speech , was, well ... incoherant.
The fairy asked the princess what she desired. The princess announced her yearning for a man.. a good man, a kind man, a strong man. (first rule of wishing - always wish for what you know will never come true) . The fairy cocked her head to the side and in a drawn voice announced that her pay as you wish voucher had run out.
"Damn"
said the princess .
"What
a rotter" said the fairy!
The princess decided that she needed a man, so she would have to venture to the broomstick wish warehouse to get another voucher.
The princess set
out on her treck wishing she had wished for a rental fairy instead of a bottle
of vanish mousse last time she had a wish.
As she arrived a helpful wizard lead her to the wish counter . Her options were
quite clear... Pay as you wish vouchers only came in two varieties after all.
She brought a 16 wish top up card and also a funky new union jack dress for
her fairy - quote 'trendy these days' so she was told. However the wizard who
had served her quite cleary had his wand up his own ass. Or so she hoped.
When she returned she found her brother sitting on the table . Her and the fairy joined him and indulged in a conversation mainly orientated around modern art.
The princess then decided to wish for her man.
She took the fairy and grasped it's cover in her hands .
"Oh cheap and nasty fairy I wish Ihad many things but grant me a man." silence .
The fairy then explained that she would not grant any wish whilst looking like a cross between Geri Halliwell and tinkerbell (they fell out - apparently peter pan did her, then did her again on a sexual harassment charge. Tinkerbell couldn't take the truth and stopped speaking to her). The princess sighed - took prozac and took off the outfit. The fairy (looking like Courtney love now) fluttered her wings and cast a man in her direction .
The man was tall , dark haired, blue eyed and faintly resembled Dale Winton.
The princess smiled . eyyyyyyyyyyyy the fairy stood quietly singing about waking up in her make up .
The man swept the princess of her feet. quite literally and carried her to the bedroom .
The princess looked
at her man.
"i call
you Roddy as i don't think you need a little discourage . do you see shapes
when you argue??"
Meanwhile........ the frog, still reading the guardian downstairs began to talk to the fairy .
He told her of his many experiences involving bands, his voice boring and tone dull . He warped on and on about the seventies and bands with stupid names . 'ah ha' decided the fairy
"You shall
become a radio presenter . you shall travel all the world and drivel to all
those you meet. you shall inspire a generation to drivel like you . you will
specialise in irrelevant tangents........... you will be JOHN PEEL." the
fairy fluttered her wings and soon the slimy frog became a slimy human with
beard and stomach .
The frog
now John peel turned to the fairy and went on a massive tangent to thank her
for her work on him. the fairy however felt lonely.....................
so she turned into Courtney love and flew away to shag Kurt Cobain until he screamed with joy.(I always wondered how she ever new if it was joy, when he did more or less scream all the time ... ) tangents like this are not worth exploring thought John "the frog" peel and simply played def leopard.