She
walked bare foot down the side of the motorway in the rain. Shoes in hand ,
her hair , her greyed summer dress clinging on tight to her, too terrified to
let go of her in fear of what she might do alone.
Every so often, she'd veer towards the road and cars would
hoot and with a vacant look she'd redirect her path along the side of the busy
carriageway.
She could feel the cold, the rain bashing against her pale reddened cheeks, it soaking into the cuts from broken bits of glass that had bitten into the soles of her feet, she could feel the grazes against her ankles, the bones aching from the intense cold spread throughout her body - little reminders that she was still alive, still fighting, still something keeping her from being dead. She could feel it but she was too numb for it to matter. She couldn't think of anything that did matter anymore, she couldn't think at all, thoughts interupted thoughts, colliding into each other before she could focus on any single one and when she could focus on one, it would be him and she'd cough out fits of angry desperate tears and lose her track, falling down into the puddles around her, blood and tears diluting with the oily water that lapped up against her knees.
So this is what it had come to
This is how he'd made her feel, so useless , desperate, worthless - without him. Her life solarised around him. Every bone every organ every cell empty without him. All the things he'd stolen, too many things. All the things she'd beleived, the things he'd said that made her feel secure, made him seem so dependable - laughing now, spitting at her, biting away huge chunks of her life, scavenging every memory and chewing them up regardless. A desolate, vandalised body left to rot .
Nothing left, nothing left that was hers, nothing that she hadn't given to him or he hadn't infected, poisoned, engrained, stamped his mark on. The lies, the gifts, the love he'd fed her, the land she'd lived off, the ropes she'd clung to for too long.
All gone.
How could I be so wrong? How could I be so so wrong? How could I be so wrong
Nowhere to run, nothing she could see in a world screaming his name.
And the rain crashed down, thoughts dazzled her head, nails corroding into palms. Legs driving into madness; down streets of hopelessness and roads of despair to too many places she didn't want to be.
"Exit sign, exit sign, where are the exits signs?"