JUST DESSERTS
Because people, more often than not, are the same as the place they live, you won't be surprised to learn that the silliest people on earth live in the silliest place on earth.
The place itself looks like a child's drawing, complete with lollipop trees and wonky little houses, the people, too look like children's drawings, with spindly arms and legs and sticky-out hair. Silliest of all the places in this land is of course the castle, and silliest of all the people it's Royal Family.
The Royal family (namely Fat King Bob, Queen Alma, the two Princesses Cream and Custard and little Prince Rhubarb Crumble) are, at present, engaged in a game of Monopoly (all but Prince Rhubarb are playing, he's only just old enough to appreciate the joy of chewing the hotels). Fat King Bob and Queen Alma are sadly quarrelling over property deeds, until the argument gets beyond control, whereupon Bob, grabbing a poker, and Alma, arming herself with the toasting fork, stab one another and fall down dead in an instant, both of them scattering the Monopoly and staining the carpet.
A shrill squeal bursts forth from the throat of Princess Cream and Princess Custard's mouth hangs wider open than you would think possible, whilst Prince Rhubarb's reaction is to crawl over to Fat King Bob and tweak his nose, gurgling with laughter.
At this lull in the action I'll sketch a little picture of what remains of the Royal Family. Princess Cream is the younger of the two sisters, but always insists on being first; she is built like a beanpole, always seen in pastels and very prone to squealing. Princess Custard however is shaped more like a Christmas pudding, laughs too loudly, has delusions of grandeur and gets just a little too excited about the word "war". Prince Rhubarb Crumble is just a toddler, puts everything he can pick up in his mouth, and anything he can't pick up gets pelted with small objects till it runs off, caves in or shatters.
At times of emergency (such as the King and Queen stabbing one another) it is customary to consult someone wise, and so the Princesses quite dutifully sent for the wisest man in the kingdom.
Barbara, the wise man, soon came scuffling in, he looked remarkably like Dale Winton, although his position required him to wear a fake beard, which was as long and grey as it was itchy, and a Merlin costume from an old film. When he sees the couple he pronounces them both quite dead, tells the girls they are in charge and scuffles back out.
"Well!" exclaims Cream, "Have you ever in your life seen anything quite so widiculous? He was useless, I want a new Wise Man, that shall be my first act as Queen."
Her speech continues unheeded as Custard gleefully begins compiling the death warrant for Barbara.
"Custard, are we weally WEALLY in charge now mummy and daddy are dead?"
"Well of courthe we are, who elthe would be?"
"Oh Custy, you stwange girl, you're so silly."
Custard makes no reply to this but dispatches the death warrant with a gleam in her eye.
"Custy, do we have to go and talk to all the people about how we wule the countwy now?"
"Yeth, of courthe, Iām going to write a thpeech"
"Ooooh," squeals Cream...a speech, how fun. I'm going to wite a speech too!"
Half an hour later Cream and Custard are stood upon a balcony, addressing their silly subjects.
"Thitizens, it ith with deepest regret that we inform you of the thad passing of our parenth."
"We will miss them most awfully, and nothing will weplace them in our hearts."
"But, thith ith altho a time to look to the future."
"And our first act, as your new wulers is to put to death Barbwa the Wise Man."
And so poor Babs meets his maker, the silly citizens cheer and Cream and Custard become the new rulers of this silly country.
As they sit dealing with state affairs one day they hear a commotion downstairs, and rush to see what it is. A messenger on a horse is trying to ride up the stairs.
"That's dweadfully bad manners, widing a horse indoors, WALK!" orders Cream. The messenger reluctantly dismounts and continues advancing through the hall towards the Princesses, only to fall over. By the time the messenger reaches them she has a broken arm and mild concussion.
"Gosh you're clumsy," squeals Cream.
"Your Majesties, I come with a message"
Custard interrupts with "Well, you are a methenger aren't you?" obviously thinking that it's clever.
"A message from your neighbours in Box. They consider your murder of Boxian, Barbara, the Wise Man, a malicious act, and have accordingly declared war on you and your country."
"War?" this screech is, of course, Cream's, "you can't wage war on us, it's not wight, you're weally unfair, I hate you." As this tirade goes on her voice is reaching a frightening crescendo.
All the while Custard has become increasingly excited, and as a result jumping up and down, reaching a greater height with each bound.
"If ith war they want, ith war theyāll get!" This maniac's roar was Custardās contribution to the debate, along with what she thought was a fierce and determined waving of her fist, but which actually looked quite like the disturbed twitchings of someone having a seizure.
And so the war effort began. Custard busied herself rallying the troops. "Rallying" consisted chiefly of more of her crazed jumping and yelling "WAR" very loudly, until all the soldiers seemed to form a strain of rabies and had to be restrained. As for Cream, her job was to prepare the Home Front. Anyone not involved with the military had to devote their time to the knitting, sewing and general construction of a giant blanket, of Custard's design, to drop on the attacking armies and so disable them.
n accordance with the rules of A Jolly Good Fight, both sides met on the battleground, lined up, in very straight lines. Custard marched to the centre, with Cream trotting behind her, and there they tossed a coin with the leader of the Boxians, watched by an independent adjudicator. The Boxians won the toss and chose to attack. As the Boxians advanced Cream and Custard got their troops on the defensive and smothered the Boxians with the giant blanket.
Many weeks after the battle Cream and Custard are sat quite happily in their castle playing a game of Monopoly. Prince Rhubarb Crumble is busily engaged trying to stick the metal boot up his nose.
"Custy, do you think we'll be good wulers?"
"Of couthe we will, we'll be thenthational!"
"Oh bwilliant. Custy, you just landed on my vewy expensive hotel!"
It is at this tragic point in the tale that Custard loses her fragile temper (and probably her sanity) and does away with her sister my walloping her over the head with an expensive garden ornament, much to the glee of Prince Rhubarb, who promptly sneezes the old boot out of his nose, putting an end to his other unfortunate sibling. Prince Rhubarb, too young to understand, chortles to himself before falling out of the open window.
They were all buried together, in a very nice crypt, well nice as crypts go anyway, and that was the end of that.