HOW I BEAT MY
BOYFRIEND UP TODAY
By Andrea Vaughn
Right. I have Multiple Sclerosis. Blah Blah Blah. How sad. . I have an uncle's brother's teenage daughter's boyfriend that has that too. First of all, I don't care who you know that has it unless it's someone cool. And second of all, I don't have it bad. I'm very lucky and very aware of how lucky I am at how easy I have it. However, my boyfriend doesn't have it so easy.
We go to bed (yes, we live in sin) and I wake up having muscle spasms. Which Daniel is very good at dealing with. He wraps his arms around me (to hold me still, I'm convinced) and tells me he loves me and how much he cares about me and how everything will be alright. Then he'll make a few jokes at my expense and tease me and generally do anything, including fart noises and hand stands to make me laugh. Oops, we have one small problem. Not only am I having muscle spasms, I'm also having major problems with conveying to dear Dan that I don't want to be touched. I don't want to be talked to. I don't want to laugh. I want to sit over the airconditioner and be left alone to cry and be scared and hate what is happening. But I can't say that. He'd be so upset and hurt and I can't do that to him. So i do something much better instead. I mumble and mutter and make weird sounds and constantly shrug him off. Yeah, he's so much better equiped to dealing with that. Yes. Okay, not really. He just gets confused at what the hell I'm trying to say and hurt because he thinks I don't want him around. Ever. So I suck it up (remind me later to do a rant about how much I hate that fucking phrase) and climb back onto the bed and have my spasms with him holding me and kissing me on the cheek and telling me everything will be alright. Eventually my spasms start to go away and I realize with his support and strength, everything DOES become okay again. I reach my hand up to put it on his cheek and tell him how much I love him and appreciate what he does for me and to thank him for being such a great person.
And then it happened.
As my hand, still clenched in a ball, reaches up toward his face, I have a muscle spasm. And punch across his cheekbone. My pathetically weak hands reach out to catch him as he falls backwards. I catch him before falling off the bed and then he slips through my fingers because I still don't have the strength to catch him and watch with tears in my eyes as his head connects to the floor with a great 'THUD.' Dan looks up at me and sees the tears and tells me it's okay, it's all right. And then we both end up on the floor as I can't hold myself up anymore because I'm laughing way too hard.
Word of the Month: "Fluid" Phrase of the Month: "Sons of Bitches"