Ooooh, lolli the all-knowing...
I've learned a lot over the years, and thought it would be nice to share what i know.

1. Always have some sort of backup plan. Know where you can go, or who you can call if something unexpected happens.

2. Don't look in the mirror when you trip on acid... and don't try to have sex.

3. Clove cigarettes start to taste nasty about halfway down.

4. You can have fun without money, if you're with someone you love

5.  cheap black nail polish: color your fingernails with a black sharpie marker, then paint on a coat of clear nail polish

6.  The most dangerous lies are the ones you tell yourself.

7.  always lock your car.

8.  It is easy to steal from places like Wal-Mart, and usually they won't press charges.

9.  Don't steal from friends, ever.

10. ladies, don't be afraid to swallow. It isn't -that- bad. 

11. Don't bother worrying about things you cant change, or things you have no control over.

12. (CENSORED)

13. It's better to regret something you did, than something you didn't do.

14. Be honest with the people you love, always.

15. Cheap lipstick: color in your lips w/ eyeliner pencil, then put on some chapstick or lip gloss over it to keep it shiny.

16. Drugs and alcohol do affect judgment.

17. Take a basic first aid and adult/child/infant CPR class. It doesn't cost much, it looks good on a job application, and it's good stuff to know.

19. Everyone needs a Zippo, or matches. Even if you don't smoke.

20. It's better to have friends in low places. ;) Think about it: they will put their ass on the line for you, because what do they have to lose anyway? Now, with the rich, political-whatever friends… they say they'll help you, but they have a lot to lose if something goes wrong.

21. Don't bother with AOL.. i know, it's tempting, but restrain yourself. 40 hours of free internet service is not worth the hell your computer will go through.. not to mention the shit you'll have to deal with to cancel (and you -will- cancel..  no one wants AOL.) Also, the AOL people will call you for -years- afterwards. *fuck! rawr!*

22. Drink plenty of water. Eight glasses a day!

23. When you have no more cigarettes and you really, really need one.... roll the tobacco out of the cigarette butts in the ashtrays, getting rid of the burnt end and as much ash as you can. Then, roll it up and light.

24. You always have a choice, and every choice has consequences.

25. Don't ever lick cheap construction paper. *uck*

26. Learn the difference between love and lust... and save yourself a lot of trouble later.

27. If you have ever been a patient in a psych ward, you will never be able to become a licensed psychiatrist.

28. Duct tape is amazing. It can fix/create/destroy anything.

29. Be yourself.

30. Sometimes you have to lie, but when you have to, make it something *close* to the truth. It's easier. If you lie, -live- the lie.. it must continue on forever. 

32. It is better to get in trouble and then ask for forgiveness.

33. Learn to love to read, if you don't already.

34. Everything is temporary.

35. Spray paint works well as shoe polish.

36. Don't lie to police about anything you know they can prove you wrong on.

37. Don't hate people you don't know. 

38. Always pick up hitchhikers.  And guys?  Be careful. Don't try anything naughty.

39. add sugar (a quarter cup or so) to the mix when you make cornbread; it's delicious! also, go for the good stuff... don't buy off brand. get Jiffy, because it's the best.

40. Something fun... write on someone with a hilighter and send 'em out under a blacklight.

41. Something even more fun... Blacklight Water!  Get some bright hilighters (any color, but yellow works best) and "milk" them into some water, usually a cup or so. To milk the markers, pop the cap off the non-writing end... shake/pull out the  thingy inside and squeeze the liquid out. The less water you use, the brighter the blacklight water will be! Now, put it in a spray bottle and get creative. Put it in your hair, on walls, whatever.

43. Anything that duct tape can't do, safety pins can.

44.  If ever you get in trouble, god forbid, take responsibility for your part. Don't blame anyone for your mistakes, and don't accept the blame for anything you weren't a part of.

45.  it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, if you're happy. (except in situations where the law is involved)

46.  Cheap eroticism: fine ash and water makes nifty body paint. Experiment with it... use other liquids, and varying shades of ash. White, grey, whatever. My favorite combination is  scented oil and black ash. It's lovely.

47.  If you don't sleep, that "morning after" thing isn't quite so bad.

48.  Two wrongs often do equal a right.

49.  Concerts are a good place to meet people.

50.  Bars are not good places to meet people, unless you are looking for a socially retarded and probably old and unattractive alcoholic.

51. Ivory bar soap is good catfish bait.  Cut it into chunks, string it onto the fishing line, and wait.

52.  A duck's quack does not echo.  (thanks, sarah!)

53.  Don't tell other people's secrets; you have no right to. Now, gossip is different. It is ok to talk, but never take any gossip too seriously.

54.  quick grammar lesson: your = singular possesive. Ex: "i like your pants".
        you're= you are. Ex: "You're looking very lovely tonight." 

55.  don't be so shy. Why do you care what other people (that you probably don't really like anyway) think about you?

56.Cranberry juice will make a "dirty" urine test come up clean.. It's more effective than water, and not traceable like the chemical things they sell in magazines and head shops. Trust me on this.

57.  Pink Floyd's Dark Side Of The Moon, and the infamous movie The Wizard Of Oz.... Play them together!  You must start the CD just as the MGM Lion roars for the third time. You can tell if you have hit the right spot if the transition from 'Speak to Me' and 'Breathe' occurs just as the producer credit appears. If the appearance of the credit hits the music exactly, then you are on the right track. You must also set your CD player onto repeat so that the CD begins again immediately as it finishes.  Different parts of the CD apply spookily to different parts of the film. Sometimes the lyrics will coincide with the scene and the characters will accentuate the beat, blah, blah blah. These effects become much stronger in the middle of the film at the point when Dorothy meets the Lion, Tin-Man and the Scarecrow.

58.  Ladies? did you know that you can pee standing up? Yep. It's true; you can.  For detailed instructions, go here.

59.  if you're already late, a few more minutes wont make much of a difference.

60. if you swallow a watermelon seed, a watermelon will not grow in your tummy.

61. (CENSORED)

62.  Guys? Don't masturbate with IcyHot (tm), Your penis will go numb. Ladies, i don't think it would be a very good idea for you to masturbate with IcyHot either, but what woman would be so dumb? Stupidity is a guy thing.

63.  And, since we're on the subject of masturbation... there are really some people that don't! Everyone who does, (and don't lie here) help the ones who don't know how.  They must be educated! Send the non-masturbators on the road to self-discovery... (females? look for the pink link) go  here.

64.  the quadratic formula, just in case you ever need to know: negative b (+/-) sqaure root of b, squared minus 4ac over 2 of a

65. have sex wearing nothing but your shoes.

66. if you ask someone "what is a goatee?", they will touch their face when trying to answer you.

67. Boil ramen noodles on high for exactly 3 minutes. They're perfect every time. ANd.. you can make rice in the microwave! yes, yes, i know... it seems impossible, but it's true. 1 cup of rice, 2 cups of water, i tablespoon of butter, and a dash of salt: be exact with your measurements and microwave uncovered for 20 minutes. Viola! 

68. Don't buy cheap bubbles. Spend and extra 30 cents or so and get the good stuff. *blow smoke bubbles!

69. Ladies, a tip: oral sex is better if you're getting it from someone you love and trust (or someone you know you'll never see again).

70. A pregnancy test will never give a false positive result. It's possible, although rare, for it to give a false negative.

71. Guys, size does matter to us, but love matters more.

72. Good parenting doesn't come from a book. Patience and consistency are the keys to raising children well.

73. Don't ever ever ever buy metallica cd's, concert tickets, or t-shirts, etc... they killed napster. (fucking bastards. *grr!*)

74. Goldfish don't like Jell-O

75. Do NOT get sexually involved with someone underage if you are over 18. If you are an older female, with a younger male, this rule is flexible, as long as you're not with a pre-pubescent teen, or similar. But GUYS... do not listen to the girl, because she will lie to you. Know your facts. If the girl is, let's say, 14, and you are twenty: it doesn't matter how good she looks, or what she tells you or if it is consensual. Her parent or guardian is the one who decides whether or not you go to jail for statutory rape, molestation, contributing to the delinquency of a minor (do you keep her out past curfew? sneak around? buy her cigarettes? alcohol? yeah? well you are fucked), etc. Young girls are unstable. If she gets mad at you, she'll put you away herself. Don't risk it, ok? Get some legal pussy and save yourself the trouble.

76. Did you know you can get a ticket for tapping your brakes in traffic? Yup. Even if some guy is all up on your ass, inches from your bumper. However, there is an alternative way to get said asshole to back of a bit... and when you think about it, do you really want to be hitting the brakes if he is that close to you? i think not. Our solution is this: hit the wiper fluid! Thier car will get wet, and the closer they are the better it works. This works especially well with low, convertable sports cars... catch 'em with the top down. Now, there are times when this won't work... in the rain, or behind a big semi... but under those conditions i would reccomend just getting the hell out of thier way.

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