The Perfect Chick

(or, "Lookout! Runaway ego!!!")

So I'm sitting here bored, trying to think of something interesting for my website, and of course, I'm thinking about chicks, because let's face it, if I were hungry all the time, I'd write about food. Unlike many people (chicks especially) I know what I want. It's not exacting, but I have standards and principles, damnit. So these are all the key qualities to be girlfriend material. Perhaps you're wondering why I think anyone cares to know all this. Because firstly, I don't really care if anyone is interested. And secondly, it's useful if some chick reads my site, and thinks I'm really cool and wants to get with me. This will give her an idea of whether she might have a chance with me (like I'm in any position to be picky about who I bang). These are all MY opinions, get your own (you can agree if you like, just give me my props if you use something funny I said about it). To each his own: surely plenty of guys will disagree, and some of them will think I'm a fag. Once again, I refer you to my disclaimer. If I were a fag, I wouldn't care about chicks, I would be talking about the perfect guy (which I could do, but I don't care enough).

NEW! A follow-up! Get excited!

Body:

• Be between 5' and 5'7" in height. I hate tall chicks, they make me feel like less of a man and more of a little kid. And I definitely don't need to be emasculated.

• Be of NORMAL weight for your height. While fat chicks are usually annoying in addition to being ugly, I don't like scrawny, flat-chested, Kate Moss-looking chicks either. I like them a little bit thin, but not enough to have noticable ribs: It's more important to be rounded and curvy.

• Speaking of curvy, breast size doesn't matter much: Contrary to what you might think guys think, there IS such thing as too big: It's fairly rare, but I have seen tits that are so over-augmented that it's funny, not sexy. The ideal, I'd say, is around a 38C. (chuckle) Perkiness is more important than size. (Can you tell this is something I'm into? I like to think I'm too deep to fixate on any one anatomical region, I love it all, but I'm definitely a fan of tits.) And also, have some hips and ass and whatnot (just so it's clear that it's not ALL about tits; I love it when a chick's hips are just a little bit wider than her waist).

• Try not to wear much makeup. Lots of girls screw up their natural good looks by painting their faces so much they look like five-dollar whores, I hate that. If you're not beautiful without makeup, it's not going to change much. You'll just be an ugly girl wearing too much makeup.

• Either be GOOD at looking normal, or have a simple punk rock look. Black leather jacket, loose jeans or skater shorts and T-shirts (Everclear shirts are the illest flavor), and either Converse All-Stars or skater-type shoes (Vans, DC, Airwalks). NO NIKE! (Not only do those bastards use foreign slave labor, but they turn it around for pure profit: It probably costs about three bucks to make a pair of Air Jordans, but they charge 120 dollars for them. That's about 39 pairs of Air Jordan's worth of profit, not counting costs of shipping the damn things back to America. I would forgive their labor practices if they would just pass the savings on to the consumer.)

• Having stuff like tattoos and piercings is cool but totally optional. Primary-color (green, blue, red, yellow) hair is cool too, especially if it's spiky.

Mental/Personality:

• Be smart, but not more than a little smarter than me. If you must be smarter than me, try not to point out my intellectual shortcomings too much. I feel like a dumbass often enough without you making me feel like an even bigger dumbass.

• Flirt, but have a little restraint, and try not to flirt with anyone other than me (I'm talking about MY ideal here).

• Be honest and communicate directly. I do, and I expect the same. The next few are addendums to this basic rule.

• Don't pull any punches or filter your language. Say exactly what you think. Also, I don't know why exactly, but I love foul-mouthed chicks. I think it's very sexy when they freely use words like 'fuck', 'bitch', 'cunt', 'shit', 'cocksucker', 'motherfucker', 'asshole', and all that good shit. (I guess it shows that they're not uptight and uninhibited, like they don't care what anyone thinks).

• Be uninhibited, do what you feel like regardless of what anyone (including me) thinks. (That also means don't be uptight about putting out. Not right away if it doesn't suit you, but within a year or so. I can be surprisingly patient, but I have needs, ya know.)

• Don't be tactful or diplomatic, that shit is annoying. I hate having to fight through smoke being blown up my ass to get to what exactly your point is. If you think I'm being an asshole, say that I'm being an asshole. Also, do NOT be politically correct. You're a chick, not a woman (if you are a woman, leave me alone, I like chicks, not women: women are too uptight), they're not African-American, they're black, they're not vertically challenged, they're short, and to be fair, we're not Caucasian or European-American, we're white. Don't give me any of that shit.

• Accept me as I am, because I'm not going to change to suit you. If you can't, then just let me know and then leave me the fuck alone. I have no use for people who want to make me into something I'm not.

• Appreciate tasteless humor. If you don't think movies like "Austin Powers" and "American Pie" are funny, you're not going to think I'm funny at all, you'll think I'm a twit. Also, be a regular visitor to The Misanthropic Bitch and other shutdown.com sites.

• Love rock'n'roll music, especially punk rock. This is IMPORTANT. Music is a huge part of my life, and if you're not down with the music I listen to and play, I don't want to hang with you.

• Do not respect conventional cultural institutions, such as marriage. Now, I'm not afraid of commitment like every other guy, I just don't see any need for a formal marriage. If a couple truly loves each other, they don't need anyone else to validate it.

• Do not respect authority (they ARE pigs, right?), but don't risk getting in trouble over stupid shit: Make sure it's really worth it before the pigs are putting their hands up your ass to make sure you're not smuggling heroin in your rectum.

• Avoid drugs as a rule, but don't be uptight about other people using them. (My personal rule is, if someone at a party hands me a joint, I'll smoke it, but I won't go out of my way to get high) Drinking is fine, just don't get blitzed too often. Likewise, I can handle smoking, as long as it's fairly infrequent (no more than a pack every three days or so).

• Do NOT like kids. I can barely tolerate them for a couple hours a time, I just don't have the patience.

• Do NOT have any interest in the American Bourgeious Dream: A nice big house in the suburbs with a lawn to mow, a steady desk job, and lots of kids. A nice house I can stand, but I'm a musician, and want to avoid regular jobs as much as I possibly can. And as I said above, I do NOT like kids, if I had any of my own, I would quickly come to hate them and consequently cause them severe psychological and possibly physical damage. So unless you like the idea of me drinking heavily and giving severe tongue-lashings (and fist-beatings) to the fruits of your womb (and molesting them if any are unlucky enough to be female), don't talk to me about how cute and precious kids are, and how you'd like to have some eventually. I'll have kids when I can completely wash my hands of them within an hour of conception. (I am typical in that sense: I'd like to conceive kids, but I lose interest in the notion after that). I know exactly how damaged my genes are and consider it irresponsible to pass them on to some poor bastard kid who has to grow up with a milquetoast misanthropic failure rock star wannabe for a father.

• Be cynical and do not like people in general. Philanthropists and optimists rub me the wrong way. I find people to generally be disgusting, easily manipulated, craven, base, brainless animals deserving of contempt and ridicule. Not anyone in particular, just humans in general.

• Like animals, but don't think their lives are particularly meaningful or valuable. I like animals better than people usually, because while animals are stupid, they don't claim to the contrary: They aren't burdened with the false pretense of intellectual capacity. Admittedly, I would eat a lot less meat if I had to catch, slaughter and prepare it all myself, but I don't. Besides, meat is good for you, it has protein and stuff, and (God forbid) actually CALORIES!

• Don't be insecure or fish for compliments often. I can be very sweet, but if you put yourself down too much I'll get impatient and say, "Listen! You're pretty enough for me, now shut the fuck up and quit fishing for compliments!" And even if you did put on a few pounds, I'd probably be willing to help you 'work it off' if you ask me nicely. (you have to ask nicely since you ballooned up!) (I kid, of course. Sorry.)

• Have free time to spend with me. As guys go, I'm very high maintainance, and I have a lot of free time, and if you only have a little and can only hang with me every few days or once every couple weeks, I'll feel small and unimportant, like you don't give a shit about me. (If I may rant for a moment: People these days are way too busy. I think it's because they subconsciously know how empty and meaningless their lives are, so they try to keep busy and try to have everything in the material world, so they won't have to stop and think about how they're doing what other people want, not what THEY want with their lives, and it's making them hollow. Whereas I have plenty of free time, and I have a very acute awareness of how hollow modern life is. This is partly because my life is empty, but at least it's empty because there isn't actually anything in it, rather than just because all the shit I run around doing doesn't really mean anything to me.)

• Don't take yourself (or anyone or anything else) too seriously. If I call you a bitch, just call me something back, don't get all bent out of shape. But you may get an apology, and if you're REALLY lucky, it'll be sincere.

• And most important of all, like me the way I am and don't try to tell me what to do, or try to change me. ("What? Fuck you, don't tell me what to do, bitch. I'll do whatever I damn well please.")

Think I'm an asshole? Talk to The Hand, or if you must, e-mail me.

(The reason why this has so many references to my egotism is because I think I must have some kind of ego to be specifying what I want and don't want, when I'm such a loser who couldn't get laid to save his life, and hence is not in any position to be so finicky.)