Everything sucks today!

Hey, guess what, loyal readers! My New Years weekend sucked undescribably. First, Katie just lost her virginity on Saturday, without me. I was pissed off by this mainly because I feel that I have been fucked over. I blazed that fucking trail only to let her boyfriend Louis reap the fucking rewards, because Katie's dad, for some imbecilic reason, didn't like me as much as him.

But since I don't really care much about Katie anyway, this kick in the balls was more like a light suck on my balls compared to the next one I received the next day, on New Year's Eve, 2000. I discovered that Elizabeth, the girl I love, also handed it over on New Year's Eve, the previous night in Brisbane. To a guy she had only met that night, on the fucking floor.

To say I was "upset" is a gross understatement. Try, sitting right in this spot, more or less crying, shaking, stomach wrenching, wishing for the world to come to a fiery end right at that moment, or better yet for her to just please for the love of everything that is good and holy to tell me she's joking. But no such luck, I'm still here to spit out these words, and she was not joking. I can't even describe the machinegun bursts of emotions that have been raking my psyche for the past 17 hours or so. It's a wonder I even got to sleep last night. It still seems like a bad dream, I'm waiting to wake up.

Pardon me if I'm being a melodramatic emo pussy, fuck you.

So my year came in with a dismal diarrhiac noise and a flop. How about you? Did you go to a party and get smashed and get laid a few times and have a great old time? Be sure not to tell me all about it, motherfucker. I hung out at home and shot the shit and caught up with my old friend Masta Cote. I was going to crack a fat Heineken, but I had a headache by the time it was late enough, so I didn't. But I did resolve to start drinking this year.

All I can say is, the unworthy brute who dared touch my Elizabeth (Brett, she doesn't even know his last name) had fucking better call her and treat her like the goddess she is, or I will personally stroll up to him somewhere in Brisbane and twist a knife into his throat. If he does treat her properly, I'll let him live, but no one may have her if I've got anything to say about it. Yeah, you, motherfucker. You're on The List.

I guess the rest of the year can only get better though.