i hate that she's gone.

i fell in love with her a long time ago, you know. oh, not romantic love. nothing that banal or animalistic.

i fell in love with the way her mind worked. the way she compromised herself for nobody. there was no one else like her and i couldn't get enough.

i guess everyone changes, or so i tell myself.

sometimes i feel as though i cut the head off the beast and something even uglier, even more deadly grew in its place.

now i'm not making sense. at least, probably not to you. there was a time when you would have understood me perfectly.

i miss that you. that one that's dead, now, or at least buried so deeply i don't dare hope we could ever bring her back out.

she's wrapped herself in threads of him and suffocated herself to either death or unconsciousness...I'm not sure which is worse.

so sad to remember her...you...beautiful and wild and completely untamed. untamable.

so sad to remember what it was like to watch her recede. the painful struggling of my heart, the tightening in my chest. my false laughter and cheeriness. my inevitable silence.

maybe you thought it was jealousy, or that i begrudged your happiness.

but i didn't. i didn't hate the fact that she was with him. i hated who she became when she was with him, who she turned into. i hated that she gave up her will, her thoughts, her opinions...her life...to become something he would appreciate more. to become you.

poor thing. even i can see that if someone wants you to change for them, to follow only their will, they don't really love you. they only care about what you can be for them. they only care about the thrill of power and control.

all thrills eventually lose their flavour and wear off.

sometimes i wish i had the strength to wait around and see if she's really gone...to see if maybe she could eventually be revived.

but i look into your eyes and don't see any trace of her. i hear you try to emulate her with your voice, and my stomach clenches and knots.

it hurts too much to stay here, waiting for some trace of her, some tell-tale sign to be revealed.

i hate that she's gone...

but no matter how much i miss her, how much you resemble her, i can't bring myself to spend one more minute with you; you, who were so eager to throw her away.