Part 1

Pansy

The pansy is the flower of merriment.

Shinya was quietly reading a book in one of the make-up rooms backstage.
He was completely immersed in the story. The man's wife had just found
out that he was having an affair with her cousin's best friend's
sister's roommate. He was just turning the next page when Toshiya ran in
screaming and threw himself into Shinya's lap.

"What the hell?" Shinya asked angrily as he tried to shove the wailing
bassist off of his lap. Toshiya had a death grip on Shinya and refused
to budge. He buried his face in his shoulder, his hands tangled in his
hair.

"It's in the dressing room!" Toshiya whispered.

"What is?" Toshiya's outburst was genuinely worrying Shinya.

"The spider." Toshiya hissed through his teeth. Shinya grimaced and
gave him a good shove. Toshiya slid off Shinya's lap and landed with a
thud on the floor.

"Is that all?"

"Yes! It was a horrible hairy black thing! With eight ugly little legs
and it crawled across my hand!" Toshiya shuddered and brushed at his
hand furiously.

"Oh come on Toshiya!" Shinya rolled his eyes and grabbed the shaking
blue-headed man's hand and dragged him to the doorway of the dressing
room.

Die Kaoru and Kyo were all gathered outside the door.

"What is wrong with Toshiya?" Die pointed at him. Toshiya was hiding
behind Shinya, peeking over his shoulder.

"We heard him screaming. I thought he was dying!" Kaoru said.

"Toshiya saw a spider."

Kyo blinked.

"Is that all?"

"No! It was horrible the size of my hand! And black with big red stripes
and ugly beady spider eyes!" Toshiya spoke up from behind Shinya.

"I think you're exaggerating." Shinya said calmly. "Come on let's go
find that spider."

He grabbed Toshiya by the hand again, opened the door and shoved him
into the room. Shinya followed with the others close at his heels.

"So where is your spider Toshiya?"

"Well I was sitting at this vanity and was putting on some of my
make-up." Toshiya sat down to reenact the encounter. "Then I laid my
hand down here and picked up something out of bag on the floor…"
Toshiya began to scream again. "There it is! There it is! Crawling along
the floor!" He jumped up from his seat and ran behind Kaoru.

Shinya moved the seat and bent down to examine the little spider. It was
indeed black and hairy. It was roughly the size of a bottle cap. It
didn’t move under Shinya's careful scrutiny but rather, appeared to
peer up at him.

"Isn't it horrible!" Toshiya said dramatically.

"I don't understand the big deal." Shinya stated blandly and, promptly
squashed the unfortunate creature under the toe of his boot. Toshiya
gasped.

"Oh… Shinya. You didn't have to kill it…" His eyes began to water a
little. Shinya was wiping off the remnants of the spider off of the
bottom of his shoe.

"Well you have no reason to make a fuss anymore, do you?"

"Well no… but you really didn't have to kill it!"

Shinya shrugged and marched out of the room and back to his book. Every
stared at him wide-eyed as he left.

"I didn't know Shinya was so… so…" Kaoru stuttered.

"Heartless." Die finished flatly.

"Well this is one very dead spider." Kyo poked a little at the body
smeared on the carpet. "Who wants a taste?" He said brightly.

"Ugh, Kyo that is so gross!" Toshiya stuck his tongue out.

"I think we should go bury it. We can give it a little funeral." Die
said softly. He looked hurt, a frown gracing his usually cheery face.

As they all filed down the hallway, Die in the lead, Yoshiki passed
them. He watched them head out a side door. As they did, he grabbed Kyo
by the shoulder and pulled him aside.

"Where are you guys going?" He asked with reasonable suspicion.

"Die gave us funeral duty."

Yoshiki tried his hardest not to look at Kyo strangely.

"Who has died?"

"The spider."

"Oh." Yoshiki raised an eyebrow. "Where is Shinya?"

"Dunno, reading a book?"

"Kyo! Hurry up!" Toshiya yelled from outside.

"Sorry. Gotta go!" Kyo grinned and ducked out the door.

***

Die walked confidently backstage after the live. He was hot and full of
energy. Shinya's actions earlier had been bothering him the entire show.
They pricked at his insides. He thought the Shinya he loved was a
compassionate person. Damn it! He knew he was.

Shinya was back in the make-up room, curled up on a couch reading again.
He was so engrossed in the story that he didn't even notice when Die
entered the room.

"Shinya?"

"Huh?" Shinya said without looking up.

"Can I talk to you?"

"Uh-huh."

"Shinya!" Die grabbed Shinya's book and tossed it aside on the couch. "I
said I need to talk to you."

Shinya glared at him and crossed his arms on his chest.

"What do you want Die?"

Die softened his angry gaze and sat down next to Shinya.

"Shinya, something has been bothering me."

Shinya softened too. He cuddled up closer to Die, hugging his arm.

"What?" Shinya leaned forward and kissed Die's neck. He ran his lips
along Die's jaw until he stopped at a soft spot next to his mouth.
Shinya kissed Die tenderly there and whispered against his cheek. "You
know that I love you."

Shinya held Die's chin in his hand and ran his thumb along his lips.
While Shinya nuzzled his cheek, Die nipped at the tip of his thumb with
his teeth and sucked on it slightly. Shinya turned Die's head and kissed
him passionately.

When they broke apart Shinya looked in Die's eyes.

"That wasn't it, was it?"

Die reached up and caressed Shinya's cheek softly.

"Why did you kill that spider?"

Shinya's face dropped.

"That's it?" He began to laugh. "You are kidding aren't you?" But one
look at Die face told him he wasn't. "Oh."

"Shinya why did you kill the spider?"

"I don't know. It was bugging Toshiya. Sheesh Die, don't get so worked
up! It's only a spider. I'd probably have died tomorrow anyway." Shinya
tried to kiss Die's cheek again but he pulled away.

"It really bothers me that you did that Shinya. Don't you feel bad at
all?"

Shinya was beginning to feel a little more than slightly annoyed.

"Listen Die, its just some stupid little spider at the bottom of
someone's food chain! I wasn't the one who made a big fuss about it in
the first place. Gawd, for all I care the damn thing could run around
and do what ever the hell spiders do, until the end of the world.

"But Toshiya comes in here screaming his heart out and someone had to do
something! So I go and squish a bug. There are probably ten million
others in this building alone. I don't see what the damn big deal is!"

"I guess you're just not the same person I thought you were." Die said
sadly.

"Oh you are not going to do this because I squished a spider." Shinya
threw up his hands. "I give up Die. What do you want me to do? Write its
parents a letter of apology?"

"No."

"Then what?"

"I want you to realize the value of a life."

Shinya stood up and pointed down at Die angrily.

"The only life I care about more than any other in the entire world is
sitting on that couch telling me I'm a heartless human being."

"I didn't say that."

"Yes you did. I know exactly what you are saying. Die, I love you so
much!"

"I don't see how you can say that! When you can be so cruel to
something, even if it is just a spider."

"But that's the thing Die! It is just a spider! You are a human being!"

"I don't see any difference." Die said calmly.

"Oh that great. Well fuck you Die! I think you care more for this damn
spider than you do for me!"

"I never said that either."

"You didn't have to!" Shinya grabbed his book and stormed out of the
room. Kyo entered as he pushed by him and look quizzically at Die.

"What the hell is with him?"

***

Shinya sat in the corner at his drum set, nervously eyeing the door,
waiting for Die to show up for rehearsal. He knew Die was going to be
upset with him, maybe even hurt, for blowing up in his face.

It was just a stupid spider.

Shinya sulked bitterly, but his resolve melted when he thought of the
absolute hurt he had seen in Die's eyes.

The man is too sensitive for his image.

While Shinya was working himself up into another fury Die entered the
room. He was carrying a small object wrapped carefully in tissue paper
and cellophane. It was Kyo who noticed it first. He ran up to Die and
tried to snatch the object away.

"Ne, Die what's that?"

Die whipped the package out of Kyo's grasp, holding it high above his
head.

"It's a present but, it's not for you." Die grinned while he strode over
to Shinya.

"You never give me presents." Kyo pouted.

Die ignored him and held out the package to Shinya. The drummer was
taken by complete surprise and took the present carefully.

"What is it?" Shinya asked softly.

"Open it silly!"

Shinya untied the ribbon and the shiny layers of cellophane and soft
layers of tissue fell away to reveal… a flower? Shinya was confused. It
was a green plant with delicate leaves planted carefully in a small
white pot. The most striking thing about it were the beautiful red and
black blossoms.

"What is it?" Shinya repeated the question.

"It's a pansy." Die answered matter-of-factly.

"A pansy?"

"Yeah you know, like a flower."

"Well I can see that. But… why?"

Die looked down at the floor, embarrassed.

"Well, you see this is one of my flowers and I wanted to give it to you
because, after that spider incident I wanted to show you how important
even the tiniest little lives are." Die spoke softly.

"You mean, you grew this?" Shinya stared at Die in disbelief. "Die, I
had no idea you liked flowers."

"That's because you almost never go over to his apartment." Kyo chirped.

"It's not exactly something I plan on letting get out." Die laughed.
"It'd ruin my image."

Shinya laughed.

"Die, I ca…"

"I want you to. Please, just try to keep it for a little while, okay?"

Shinya nodded. Inside he was still a little hurt that Die thought he was
so heartless but he was damned determined to prove him otherwise now.

***

Shinya set the flowerpot on the corner of his kitchen counter. He
fingered the leaves tenderly, brushing his fingertips across the smooth
surface. He put his nose against the velvety petals of the blossoms. It
reminded him of Die's face, so soft when he kissed it. Die.

A pang of sadness worked its way through Shinya's insides. Die thought
he was heartless. Die thought he didn't love him. Die didn't believe
him! Shinya leaned over the counter and began to cry.

Stupid flower! I'll show Die!

Shinya spent the next two weeks caring for the little flower. He watered
it and put it on the windowsill for sunlight but, slowly, the little
plant began to wilt. Its leaves drooped and yellowed. Then one day
Shinya came home and found that two of the blossoms had wilted and
fallen off.

He sat down in front of the plant as his eyes began to water. It was
dying. He'd been trying to overlook it for a couple of days now but it
was plain as day. He was killing Die's flower. Shinya glared down at the
little flower as he held the pot fiercely in his hands.

"I hate you!" He said out loud. The tears fell from his eyes. Inside he
felt anger and disappointment. He had let Die down. Shinya sobbed for a
good many minutes before he looked down again. A single teardrop had
fallen onto one of the petals of the flower and clung there.

As he stared down at it, Shinya gathered his resolve. He rubbed at his
tear-stained face, pulled on his shoes and grabbed his jacket. He yanked
the flower, in it's pot, off the counter and ran out the door.

***

When Die answered the door he was shocked to find Shinya standing there.
His eyes were red and his face was streaked with tears. He clutched at
something cradled in his arms. Upon closer inspection Die saw it was the
flower he had given to him.

"Die." Shinya barely said before breaking into tears again. He threw
himself into Die's arms, still clinging to the little pot. "I've killed
it. I didn't want to but I've killed it. I tried so hard to make it
live. I wanted to prove to you that I could but…" Shinya pulled away
suddenly and glared at the plant. "This stupid thing won't live!"

Die took the plant out of Shinya's hands gently and walked into his
apartment with it. Shinya followed him, kicked off his shoes, and closed
the door.

"Die?" Shinya ran into the kitchen with little bouncing steps. When he
peeked in the door his senses was assaulted with the half a dozen
flowerpots set out on the counter. Die was tending to the wilting pansy
in one corner of the kitchen.

Shinya walked up behind him and wrapped his arms around Die's torso,
hugging him softly. He peered over Die's shoulder and kissed his cheek.
Die smiled and turned his head to return Shinya's kiss.

"Go in the living room, I'll be right in."

"Okay." Shinya slipped away and out of the room.

***

Shinya was huddled in one corner of the couch when Die entered the room.
When he sat down Shinya wordlessly pulled himself into Die's arms and
rested there silently. Die ran his fingers absently through Shinya's
hair.

"Die, I'm really sorry I killed your plant. I've let you down."

Die looked down at Shinya, his face screwed into a funny smile.

"Do you think you've killed it?"

"Well the flowers fell off and it was turning brown and… and…" Shinya
began to cry again. He buried his face in Die's chest as fresh tears
rolled down his cheeks.

"Stop that." Die pulled Shinya away and looked him in the eyes. "You
didn't kill it Shinya. It's only begun to wilt. We can still bring it
back." Die caught one of Shinya's tears with his fingertip. "Why do you
think the flower started dying."

Shinya sniffled.

"I don't know. I watered it and everything."

"Okay, lets try again. Shinya do you love the flower?"

Shinya made a face.

"What kind of question is that?"

"Do you?"

"Well, I love it because it is from you and because I want to make it
grow to please you and prove to you I'm not really a bad person." Shinya
sniffled more and it looked like he would start to cry again.

"Shinya will you stop sniffling? There are lots of people that kill
flowers."

"I didn't want to kill it!"

"I know. But Shinya unless you care for that flower as much as you care
for me it will never live."

"That flower doesn't care! It can't tell."

"Yes it can. And that is where you went wrong. You sent all kinds of
negative feelings to that plant and that is what made it wilt. Nothing
else you could have done would have helped it."

"How do you make them grow? I bet you do exactly what I do!"

"Shinya, when you played music what do you feel?"

"I feel all kinds of things."

"Well, do you know that wonderful feeling, that one deep down inside
that makes everything beautiful."

Shinya felt like he would laugh but when he looked deeply into Die's
eyes he saw how very serious he was.

"Die…"

"You have to show those flowers that feeling."

"How do I do that?"

"Sing to it."

Shinya made another face.

"Do you sing to your flowers?"

"Yes. Don't look at me like that. Come on, I'll teach you a very easy
song."

Die began to hum something softly. It was short and wordless but Shinya
was still taken away by Die caring.

"Die… I can't do this."

"Sure you can. I'll sing it with you."

***

Shinya walked back into his apartment carrying his wilting pansy. He set
it down on the counter and looked at it. The little plant did look a
little better after he took it to Die but surely that wasn't from the
singing.

Singing to a plant was foolish. Yes! Die was just trying to make him
look like and idiot.

Shinya fingered the velvety leaves and began to sing the little song Die
had taught him.

No, this was stupid!

Despite protests from his logical side, Shinya sang to the little plant
everyday. After a few weeks he began to talk to it too. He told it all
about Toshiya behaving like a brat and what kind of candy bar Kaoru ate
today and how Yoshiki had wanted them to go out for Mc Donalds again.
But most of the time he would talk about how much he loved Die.

Die would come over more now too. Shinya would usher him into the
kitchen and show him how wonderfully their little plant had grown. He
didn't call it 'his' anymore. It was 'theirs' now.

"Die?"

"Hmm?"

Die and Shinya were sitting on the couch of Shinya's living room. Shinya
was curled up against Die's side.

"We should name our plant."

"What do you want to name it?"

"How about… Spider."

Die laughed softly.

"Alright. Spider is a good name."

"Die?"

"Hmm…"

"I love you."

"I love you too Shin-chan."