I have been doing a lot of thinking recently. Generally it has been along the “Oh why me, cruel fate” kind of gist. The reason for this is that I never seem to get a break. Still unemployed, still single, still depressed, still seeking solace.

Then the other day something dawned on me. I had been on 5-mile hike with some family who were visiting (this is their idea of fun) and consequently we were pretty thirsty. So off we went to get a drink. As we approached this café I saw this girl. She was the matching template of my ideal woman. Pale skin, Shoulder length brown hair, big deep brown eyes, a look of childish innocence and a little smile hiding in the corner of her lips. Suffice to say she looked good. So over I strolled, I asked for a coke paid and then walked off. Not another word was spoken, I smiled at her but apart from that I made no effort at all to flirt or talk or do anything with this beautiful girl stood before me, I never even found out her name. Now I don’t expect miracles, I didn’t think she would suddenly realise I was the man of her dreams and we’d live happily ever after. But I didn’t even try. I will never see her again. Who’s fault is this, was I dealt another cruel blow by fate? I feel not, this was a result of my own incompetence and laziness. Obviously I didn’t want it as much as I thought. This trend I have seen reproduced many times over in my everyday life. The other day one of my friend’s sisters was saying ho they needed more staff at work. A well paid job where you don’t actually have to do much or talk to many people, ideal. Did I follow it up? Of course I fucking didn’t.

If I really wanted these things then surely I would do something about getting them. There is nothing conspiring against me but myself. I suspect an awful lot of people are like this. I f we really wanted something then we could get it, this is a bit of a “you are the master of your own destiny” moment. An epiphany you might say. The first step is to decide what you really want. This is where I feel the problem lies, nobody knows what he or she wants, and we just drift through life hoping it will magically appear. It will not, we must track it down and capture it. I should stop moaning about not getting what I want and actually go and get what I want. Am I likely to do this, no fucking way. But it’s a nice idea isn’t it.