Simon and Jon

Simon and Jon Decide to test my skills

The following are actual e-mail transcriptions, unedited in any way.

I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DOUEL!!!!!!! *brandishes a shiny object*
{AN ENTRY TO THE ARENA}

All right, all knowing.

I saw this interesting part of your site which really deserved some attention, so i'm going to rattle off so many insults and complaints about your site you'll never respond! (feel free to replace this part of the letter with something truly nasty)

1. No where on your entire site do I see one reference to hot dogs!!! For the love of god, woman, what are you thinking, not including homage to our society's greatest natural resource?!?

2. What, in the name of everything that is holy, is a conundrum????

3. And another thing: no works cited page!! Are we to believe, missy, that you came up with EVERY SINGLE IDEA ON THE whole page from inside your HEAD??? A-ha! Yes, well. Perhaps you should put one, or I'll have to flunk you!!

4. In your dislikes section, we all noticed you put "stupid people". WELL. A LITTLE CRITICAL, aren't we? Don't you know that half of all people are below average? you HATE 50% of the human race? Well let me tell you- keep that up, and you'll have plenty of enemies. ...Besides, if you really dislike me that much, I'll stop visiting your site.

5. Are you aware that technically, EVERYONE has "dirt" between their toes? Yes. That's right. You should go live in a plastic bubble.

6. Webster's dictionary (9th edition, if you were WONDEREING) defines "scribble" as "a document hastily or carelessly written without any regard to legibility or form." Unfortunately, many of your so called "scribbles" are perfectly legible and carefully regarded works of art, not documents, you word bludgening fool! I think what we require here is a little return to "normalcy" (President Harding's campaign, another word bludgene). HA!.

7. And "anopther" thing: .... I think I made my point.

8. On your "music" page, you have a midi (and I quote) "YMCA". May I warn you, that approximately 98.543% of the known world does not consider that music in any way, shape, or form. Many of us refer to it as "crap".

9. No where on your page is the meaning of life mentioned. I demand to know the truth! DAMMIT!

10. Well, it seems that Monique (if that is your REAL name) came up with and patented the word "dude." Well oh well! We were not aware of this! We have our trusty ol' dictionary here, which defines YOUR WORD as "a city man" and NOT an interjection of some sort! Perhaps we should write THEM AND TELL THEM, Oh, no, that's not what it means, Mr. dictionary man, sir!" Perhaps you'd like to explain that to them (They who WROTE the book on words.). Otherwise we'll have to shut both you and your little word stealing site down. And your little dog, too!

Well, some of these complaints were real, some of them stupid, and all were of course written by the masked men whose NAMES --(simon and jon)- WE WILL NOT MENTION!!

GOOD DAY! GOOD RIDDENS! We'd LOVE to see you win this one!

My reply

First of all, the word you're looking for is DUEL Now, in answer to your questions.

1. Being an evil bitch, I do not like hotdogs. I do not need to pay homage to the gotdogs, for I am the psychedelic evil hippie queen of the shmi lime Enyi. The matter is settled.

2.co·nun·drum (k-nndrm) n.
A riddle in which a fanciful question is answered by a pun.
A paradoxical, insoluble, or difficult problem; a dilemma: "the conundrum, thus far unanswered, of achieving full employment without inflation" (Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr)

3. You'll note that there are titles and parenthetical citings where they need be. Anything that is not follow3ed by the name of it's author is either common knowledge, source unknown, or completely of and by me.

4. Yes, I dislike 50% of the human race. Why else would I be called an evil bitch? Of course I have enemies, for ods' sakes I've put up an Arena just to deal with the hate mail turnover! Mwahahahahaha! I am the evil one!~
(ps, your loss, not mine.)

5.Define technically...because I tend to keep my feet wet at all times and I frequently clear the dirst from between my toes.

6. I may take artistic liscence in my lunacy if I wish. And the word Normalcy i s forbidden within my realm. Off with his head!!!

7. Two words: Purposeful Typo.

8. May I remind you that I am not of that percentage? And where exactly did you get that sdtatistic? Did you know that 87.3275% of all statistics are simply made up on the spot?

9. Sorry, fresh out of philosophy, thankyou, come again!

10. Nowhere in the dictionmary does it mention a patent of any sort. If you'll take note you'll see that all of those words actually exist somewhere, most gleaned from Star Wars, Star Trek, and The Simpsons. I do not hold rights to any of them. The dictionary exists purely on a whim to entertain others. And yes, I actually talk this way when I speak t my friend Keriann, and yes, I use the word Dude very frequently.

And finally, the other word you're looking for is RIDDANCE.

Another mail by me, sent five minutes later, when I realized that my accursed spellcheck filter had not alerted me to the following typos.

Accursed filter, why do you mock me? WHY!!!!! I answered this at 6:38 am, there's bound to be a few million errors. But the damn filter seemed to have missed them. So, I send them to you now. anyway, please note the following corrections:

gotdogs- hotdogs
follow3ed-followed
ods' sakes- Gods' sakes
dirst -dirt
Normalcy i s - Normalcy is
sdtatistic-statistic

thankyou for accepting this dazed blundering.

The final reply

Hot DAMN, woman! *expressed southern, white trash accent*

Didn't know you had it in you! I'm impressed- Jon and I spend some serious time coming up with those.Anyway, I'm sending you some virtual skittles as a reward. Enjoy!

Simon

I------------------------I
I \ \ \ \\~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I
I \ \ \ \ \~~~~~~~I
I \ SKITTLES: I
I Taste the rainbow! I
I \ \ \ \ I
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