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One of the coolest moments, if I had to pick one, had to be when I realized that I was no longer drinking. Let me clarify that. I never had a drinking "problem." It's just that for a long time last year I was always drinking as soon as I got home. I never drank before or during work. Just after, in the safety of my own home. It was always moderate drinking, never excessive, never out of control until I blacked out. So no, I don't think it was ever a "problem." 

But I was always drinking.

Then the Exsequiarum ended and it just stopped. 

I didn't notice it at first, not for weeks. It was a revelation when I did. I was at the grocery store, in the liquor section walking between neat rows of wines and scotches and vodkas and I stopped, like I was trying to remember something but couldn't quite remember. And then it just came to me: I hadn't done any drinking at home since the misery that was the Exsequiarum. I had, in fact, nothing to drink even if I wanted to. Should I get a bottle of wine? Scotch maybe? And a voice asked, "Why?" and another answered, "Yeah, why?" And I walked away, smiling.

I don't think I liked at all it when I was drinking like that.

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Rules when I was a child: sleep on my right side and be chased by monsters all night; sleep on my left side and be in a safe place. Then I learned (much too soon!) that it was my mind, my dreams and I could do whatever I want in it. So I rewrote the rules, banishing the monsters from the right side position. I was too young to know that it was an irreversible act. 

I wish now that I hadn't done that. 

I hope they've forgiven me.